Death Machines

We live in a cruel world where DEATH MACHINES never got to live to its franchise potential. I can't be the only one who would love to see the continued karate-kicking adventures of the three unnamed, ethnically diverse zombified ninjas of writer/director Paul Kyriazi's 1976 action jewel. Of the dozens of B-movies (and worse) that I've subjected myself to recently, DEATH MACHINES is one of the best. Madame Lee (Mari Honjo), a minor boss in a vague Asian crime syndicate, has got a new weapon to make a splash on the world of organized crime: her three mind-controlled ninjas (Ronald Marchini, Michael Chong, and Joshua Johnson). When her shadowy boss orders her to eliminate rival hit-men and establish business dealings with mob boss Gioretti (Chuck Katzakian), the ninjas are more than effective. When they're assigned to eliminate a local karate teacher (for reasons unknown thanks to bad audio mixing), the "death machines" attract the attention of law enforcement, particularly hot-shot detective Lieutenant Forrester (Ron Ackerman), and earn the ire of overzealous karate student Frank (John Lowe). Frank is the sole survivor of the machines' vicious attack on the karate school and he's determined to seek vengeance for the murder of his teacher and fellow students and for the loss of his right arm. Will Frank rise to the challenge of Madame Lee's three unstoppable death machines? Will Lt. Forrester succeed in his mission to capture the mystery ninjas? More importantly, will he ever get around to that human resources class so his captain will get off his back?

DEATH MACHINES is a perfect blend of semi-competence, incompetence, and martial arts action with just a hint of insanity. The filmmakers set the tone from the very start. The movie opens on the ninjas' final test, where each of them battle another martial artist of the same ethnicity (out of….symmetry? fairness?). Just in case anyone was worried this would just be a bunch of sword-swinging and high kicks, the white ninja eliminates his competition with a pistol he pulls from an ankle holster. So right away, we're shown that rules are for suckers. When assigned to knock off the competition, we're treated to three separate murders in the first fifteen minutes; of those three, zero involve any sort of martial arts action. One involves a freakin' bazooka. Who needs subtlety when you're a seemingly invulnerable death machine? Man, this movie's a blast. Far from perfect, DEATH MACHINES suffers from its share of problems. For starters, the movie's obnoxious synth score and the audio mixing that frequently drowns out dialogue in favor of it. Most of Madame Lee's dialogue in the film is near unintelligible. But, it's just intelligible enough for us to hear that poor Mari Honjo isn't much of an actress. It's fine. I'm not here for the performances. The movie also has the unfortunate problem of being unsure how to tell a proper story, what with the protagonist and the story arc and whatnot. DEATH MACHINES, and the audience, isn't really sure whom we're rooting for to win.

Detective Forrester seems an obvious choice, being a police officer and all. And he's a pretty cool guy, standing up to his griping captain and putting his overly smug rival in his place. But Forrester doesn't show up for the first half hour and then disappears again until the end of the film for a little bit of deus ex machina. Then there's Frank, the newly one-armed karate student. But Frank disappears for large chunks of the movie and then proceeds to get his butt handed to him by an ornery old man in a barfight, so he's hard to get behind. At one point about halfway through the film, there's even a brief moment when it appears the white ninja might shift allegiances and become our hero when he stands up to a rowdy band of bikers that terrorize a Ma & Pa diner/fueling station. But nope, once he finds his ninja buddies again he's back to work as usual, making the previous twenty minutes or so where we followed his capture and escape from the police (and said diner brawl) completely pointless. Fortunately for this movie, I'm willing to forgive all these problems because it's all so much fun. It sets itself up perfectly at the end for a sequel but I guess it was never meant to be. DEATH MACHINES, while certainly not a "good movie", ranks high on the spectrum against its peers. Do yourself a favor; I know the movie is available online…find it and watch at least the first 15 minutes. You won't regret it and you just might be tempted to see it through to the end.

If you remember the great Lee Marvin movie "Point Blank" you'll recognize the "pipe-smoking assassin" character originally played by James B. Sikking. As you watch "Death Machines" you find yourself constantly reminded of some of the great scenes or clichés you've seen in other movies. It's almost as if the makers just grabbed a handful of as much fun stuff as they could remember from other movies and tossed it all into one. Of course it makes for one very silly and (in that context) very entertaining movie. Can you see actress Mari Honjo actually biting the blood capsule after she is shot? Clearly this is one of the reasons she has never been seen on the screen again. Or anywhere else, at least lately. C'mon, how can you not appreciate a movie with a one-armed bartender?

Hi, Everyone, Oh, Boy... This one is a lulu. It has really bad background music whenever they can squeeze it in. There are three bad guys who, I guess, are the stars of this. They beat people up and chop people up and crash trucks and bulldozers into people. Usual stuff.

The woman who is sending them on their missions is unable to move her mouth when she speaks. It's sort of like watching a bad ventriloquist who is her own dummy. She walks like she is balancing an egg on her head.

The wardrobe is 70s leisure style for the men and blah for the female lead who is supposed to be a good nurse. The bad novocain mouth woman wears red. A silk frock perhaps, or maybe just a poplin windbreaker that is too big.

I actually liked the ending even though it did not make a lot of sense. It lets us in on what happened earlier in the film.

The police officers are OK. Some bad, some good, all stupid except two. The two bright ones could have worked again in Hollywood.

The movie starts interestingly enough and ends with a surprise. The middle sucks. The guy in the diner who gives a free hamburger to the star does a good job. He is like a 1940s character actor. Great voice.

This one is a bit too long. The lady with marbles in her mouth could have had just a couple of lines and the rest could have been said by a parrot. It would have been easier to understand a bird.

Her scene with a sword could have been handled by a trained woodpecker.

Tom Willett

Director Paul Kyriazis' "Death Machines" is so unrelentingly silly and incompetent as to rate as a true hall of fame see-it-to-believe-how-bad-it-is turkey. It's so silly, in fact, that one has to wonder if the filmmakers had their tongues in their cheeks the entire time. Now, granted, it could have been even more entertaining on a lovably clunky level, as it's somewhat overextended, but sometimes the padding is absurd enough to generate some real chuckles.

This martial arts / action / exploitation piece of sludge stars Ron Marchini, a student of Bruce Lee who also produced the film, as one of three "death machines" (the other two are a black and an Asian) who've been given a drug that controls their minds, and apparently also makes them impervious to bullets. Thus they make handy assassins for Madame Lee (Mari Honjo, who sports an enormous wig and whose facial expressions are truly gut busting), a dragon lady villainess. But when the trio of killers massacre the students at a karate school, the lone survivor, Frank Thomas (charisma-free John Lowe), vows vengeance. Good old Frank's not about to let the fact that they chopped off his hand deter him at all.

So much of this is gloriously goofy. Let's start with our "hero", Mr. Thomas, who actually gets his ass handed to him by a rowdy old barfly. Yet somehow this turns on Mr. Thomas' new lady friend! One incredibly, deliciously moronic set piece has Marchini sitting down for a nice nourishing burger at a restaurant and being hassled by annoying bikers. Another fine bit of comedy has a target for assassination, a bank manager, handcuffed to his file cabinet while a time bomb in his office ticks away - yet his secretary takes her sweet time while helping out.

From the super funky and funny music score by Don Hulette (dig that piano during a fight scene) to the thoroughly amateurish acting, "Death Machines" sizes up as a real hoot and a half. If you love silly schlock, you know you're going to be in for a good time with those opening credits. And it all leads up to a resolution that will leave you with a smile on your face. As low budget '70s cheese goes, this is a movie worth a look.

Seven out of 10.

Death Machines. This old classic action film in a kind of tale of a difference...

This movie asks us what the plot is all about? Well basically, it's all to do with these highly trained assassins who work for some mysterious chinese woman who sends them out to terminate anyone who stands in her way...

Have you got it..? Well, to me that film was dull in some parts especially those "machines" that don't even say a word in this film. Yep! They just basically going round killing people left, right and centre..

Another thing that bothers me was that when the film finished, the three men just stood there as they're making their way off somewhere.. I don't know where.. But, as me the viewer, it didn't say "The End" to say that the film has finished. It just plays the music and the men are just standing there like a bunch of bananas..

Well, if you ever see that film, see what you think..? You may the plot but you'll never know the ending...