Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park

I'm no KISS lover, nor am I a KISS hater; I suppose I'm a bit of a casual fan. I am however, a lover of movies of the genre that is sometimes called "Inexplicable." KISS Meets The Phantom (Of the Park) is such a movie. A real head-scratcher. You'll be scratching your head so damn much your scalp will start to flake. I think this movie keeps Head and Shoulders in business.

KISS star as themselves (Sort of, they are the band KISS, but they only refer to themselves as "The Demon" or "Space Ace" and so on), in a, well, really, a TV movie, but even then, that doesn't explain how poor the quality is. TV movies look better than this, heck, most after school specials have this beat. Anyway, KISS is playing 3 days of concerts at an unamed amusement park (In reality, Magic Mountain in California), and in between their 2-song concerts (That's as much as we see anyway), they fight the evil shenanigans of an evil inventor who works in a secret lab underneath the park.

Although I can't recall him ever being referred to in the film as "The Phantom" I have to assume he is the titular character. He certainly doesn't wear pink tights and fire pistols; though that probably would have pepped up the plot, which is droll and inane to say the least.

Here's the main problem. Amongst the opening credits you will prominently see displayed as Executive Producer one Joseph Barberra, famous for the Hanna Barberra cartoons. You will also notice a lot of musical cues and story elements that seem plucked right out of bad episodes of Scooby-Doo, Super Friends, Josie and the Pussycats and others. I'm not reaching here, a lot of sounds and music are exactly the same. Basically, the film is a live action Hanna Barberra cartoon, complete with terrible laser beam eye blasts and fire breath (One time you can see the physical edges of the effect, not a proud moment for Gene). This movie could have worked as a cartoon, or as a KISS movie about, I dunno, a concert. Instead its A Hard Days Scooby, and a poor one at that.

KISS certainly don't help their cause, Gene is really the only one who seems comfortable in his non-performance scenes, and he's hindered by a weird reverb effect on his voice that makes him almost impossible to understand. Ace and Paul are both more wooden than George Washington's teeth, and "The Cat" sounds an awful lot like Duke from GI Joe (His voice having been redubbed in post because, well, it was bad). In one scene, Ace is also clearly a stunt double, who's...well, black. In another, he's Asian. Oops.

I know I've made it sound awful but...well, okay so it's awful. But KISS Meets The Phantom often achieves that rare goofy quality of a movie that isn't so much bad, as it is completely insane and way off base. It's not as funny as a Plan 9, or a Gymkata, but it is worthy of at least one viewing with a big crowd of rowdy friends.

If you are looking for monstrous special effects (even by 1970's standards), this is not the film for you...

If you are a KISS fan, it is definitely worth a watching. Especially if you are a classic KISS fan.

Brief synopsis: KISS is about to play for an amusement park. The brains behind this park (Abner Deveraux played by Anthony Zerbe) grows resentful that a rock-n-roll band is overshadowing the technical expertise that he created at this park. He vows all-out war against the band using his creations to attack the band members. And their secret talisman which gives them powers.

BTW, Gene Simmons does most of his own stunts, probably preparing himself for a future theatrical career (which he did, in the 1980's). Peter Criss's lines are dubbed in by a voice guy from Hanna Barbera. Strange how Peter Criss sounds the same as Dirk Daring from G-Force.

Anthony Zerbe does a great job in acting as the villain in this one. His best IMHO is in North and South as General Grant.

Ok, this is not an epic adventure that got critical acclaim, yet after a few beers, it is good entertainment.

Yes, the movie is horrible, and yes it is an embarrassment. However, if you grew up with KISS in the 1970's this movie will be very near and dear to your heart. The fact that this movie was even made is a testament to the KISS phenomenon of the 70's. It isn't so much a movie as it is a magical moment in time captured.

KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK... what a film! I first encountered this film as a Movie-Of-The Week on TV when I was about nine years old. I thought it was great then, of course, because back then (late '70s) ANYTHING Kiss-related was "great." When I saw it again years later on the late movie I found it hard to keep my drink from spraying out of my nose while I laughed hysterically through the entire movie. I ran out and found the movie on VHS the next day and spent many a happy Saturday night during college exposing my friends to this underrated gem. It became a surrogate "Rocky Horror" midnight movie for the metal heads in my dorm. The other posts on this movie have already beaten the "plot" (or lack thereof) to death so I don't need to berate it any further. Let's just say this: the script is hilariously bad, as are the performances, the special effects, etc., etc. But for KISS fans this is mandatory viewing at least once. In fact, I use this film as a litmus test when speaking to other KISS fans to find out how hardcore they are. I ask "Have you seen KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM?" and if they answer "Yes," I ask "How many times?" If the answer is more than five times, then I know I'm in the company of a hardcore member of the KISS Army. The band may hate this movie (I believe they even sued a DVD distributor recently for releasing the film on DVD and had it taken out of circulation) but I simply can't get enough of the Star-Child ("you're looking for someone...but it's not KISS"), Space Ace ("Insufficient data, Starchild! ACK!"), the Demon (There ARE no right hands but OURS!"), and the Cat Man ("Gene's brother was an only child!")in action. It's a bad movie to end all bad movies. I love bad movies, and I love KISS, so for me it's a match made in heaven.

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)

BOMB (out of 4)

The rock band KISS (Peter Criss, Ace Frehley, Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley) are about to do a concert at an amusement park but a mad scientist (Anthony Zerbe), who lives under the park, has created some weird robot-zombies who are going to kill all the fans. This made-for-TV flick has the reputation of being one of the worst movies ever made and it pretty much lives up to that label. I wasn't expecting too much but considering you've got a legendary band and a director who has made a few good films in his career, the train wreck that is this film is rather shocking. I'm not even sure where to start but I guess you can begin with the god-awful story that never really makes any sense as it's never too clear why this scientist hates the band. This film really seems like it was just shot on the fly because there are so many mistakes in the story that one really questions what anyone was thinking when they screamed action. Another problem, outside the screenplay mistakes, is that there are countless mistakes in the movie that make this seem like you're watching an Ed Wood film. Take the monsters for example. We have a werewolf and Frankenstein's monster but they're all obviously wearing fake looking Halloween masks and a couple of them look straight out of the film ORGY OF THE DEAD. Another major mistake is that there are countless action scenes where people get thrown around yet there's never any attempt to hide the strings and ropes that are pulling and yanking the people. The first time I saw the strings I was thinking it was just a simple mistake but it kept happening over and over to the point where I wondered what the heck anyone was doing. Another funny good if that Ace Frehley's stunt double was a black guy and it's not too hard to tell when he's on screen as they do very little to hide the fact that we've got two different color men playing the same part. I know this movie was meant for kids but that's really no excuse for how bad this thing is. Fans of bad cinema need to put this at the top of their viewing list because I'm hard pressed to think of films with more errors and goofs. It's really hard to imagine what was going on in the minds of not only the director but even the four band members. Many have accused them of being willing to make a buck for anything and I think this film proves that. All four are horrible actors but I guess it's not fair to judge the performances too bad since it's doubtful any of them were trying that hard. Zerbe has appeared in films such as COOL HAND Luke and THE OMEGA MAN and he seems to have no problem embarrassing himself. We do get some "classic" rock numbers like Rock and Roll All Night and Beth but it's hard to sit through 96-minutes just for them. If you're not a fan of KISS I can't imagine you enjoying anything here. If you're lukewarm on the band then the badness will probably have you hitting the stop button. I think the only folks who could get any sort of entertainment out of this would have to be those who need to see every bad movie ever made.