Alien 2: On Earth

If you have ever wanted to visit Italy's incredible Castellana Grotto, here is your chance to see the caverns. This gorgeous cave was discovered January 23, 1938, by Franco Anelli and Vito Matarrese. The photography of the Grotto is spectacular. Unfortunately the movie "Alien 2" is not so spectacular. It opens with stock astronaut splash down film footage, moves on to a bowling alley, then a beach, and finally the cave. Blue rocks that somehow turn into sock puppets are the "Aliens" that attack the group of spelunkers. Like I said, if you want to see the caverns, this is your movie. Simply ignore the ridiculous, boring story. - MERK

HOW did Kevin M Gates, who wrote the opening critique here NOT win the Pulitzer Prize in 1999 for his "essay" on this eminently forgettable ALIEN rip-off. How did he WRITE so many words I want to know? How long does it take to scribble "puerile rubbish?" And yet...he's right the flick is so bad its almost fascinating.

Here in Australia, I bought a BETA copy of this flick in 1986. It still plays unfortunately! (on the only one of five BETA machines we have that still work) Here, it was simply titled ALIEN 2 and long before the IMdb came into existence I used to win a fortune from friends betting them that there WAS a film called ALIEN 2. After I'd scooped the cash up, I'd play the flick and laugh in their faces!

Cute touch that....."Directed by Sam Cromwell" sounds major league Hollywood. Cromwell it turns out is Ciro Ippolito...just a few rungs below Ridley Scott!

Anyway, I digress. Read Kevin Gates' plot summary and you'll have some idea (not much) what to expect. As he says, the special effects consist of whatever offal was left at the abattoir the day they were filming. Ah, Belinda Mayne, still I dream of you!

The first hour of this film is so painfully slow that it took me over 10 years to finish it. I'm not kidding. I've had this on VHS since the mid-90s and every time I tried to watch it, I would give up. 1980 was a banner year for Italians doing ripoffs as the film world received ZOMBI 2 (aka ZOMBIE) and this "sequel" to ALIEN. Of course, the Italians wisely set it on earth, something the ALIEN series has been trying to do for almost 30 years now.

Three astronauts return to earth in a space capsule, but are all mysteriously missing when the device is recovered at sea. For some reason, this doesn't sit well with psychic Thelma (Belinda Mayne) but it doesn't prevent her from going spelunking with her friends. Along the way to the caves, Burt (Michele Soavi) picks up a curious looking rock which is actually an alien lifeform that spread over the desert upon the astronauts' re-entry. The group heads into the caves and, before you can scream THE DESCENT, find themselves getting bloodied up by our rock monster.

The last half hour or so is decent when the space monster finally attacks. Director Ciro Ippolito is someone whose work I am unfamiliar with. He certainly throws the gore around in parts but I can only imagine what a seasoned Italian exploiter would have done with this in the first hour. For some reason, Ippolito is intent on trying to make a bowling alley the scariest place on earth in the finale. He fails. The film does end on a grim note and the scenes of the lead actress running around a deserted San Diego, CA are pretty effective. The film concludes with the on screen line "...you may be next!" Gutterball.

A space module lands back to Earth after a failed mission, but the astronauts have been replaced by hideous creatures that can penetrate into people's bodies and make them explode. A group of speleologists are attacked by the monsters inside an underground cave.

For fans of Italian horror cinema, the most notable name attached to this movie is probably Michele Soavi, who plays Burt. Soavi has acted many times, but really came into his own as a director of such films as "Stagefright" and "Cemetery Man". This was one of his earlier film projects, before he became a protégé of Dario Argento.

The effects in the film are fairly simple but effective, and I really liked the music. If I had to make a complaint, it would be that the pace was a bit too slow at times. That, and it seems the person who wrote the script did not try very hard to connect the astronauts, caves and the psychic aspects.

I have been trying to see this film for years as I love to watch old obscure horror films. They do not have to be good or considered classic for me to hunt them down, I just enjoy watching them whether they be good, bad or ugly. Upon finally seeing this one, I have to say it has some things going for it, but overall it is a bit slow and underdone. The film at the beginning talks about this space pod returning to earth, we have an interview with the star female of the piece where we learn she is apparently psychic. She then heads to the ocean where she meets this guy who I have no clue who he is or what his purpose other than to introduce us to the fact that our heroine suffers from fears of monsters. We are soon treated to a scene with a mother and small girl that ends very nicely in one of the few good scenes of the movie. She then goes to the bowling alley to meet up with her fellow spelunkers and they proceed to have a long drawn out drive. They end up at a little place where outside one of the group finds a beautiful rock he just has to pick up. They finally make it to the cave where we get the privilege of seeing every member of the group repel down a line in the dark with their headlamp shining. They then pitch tents in the cave, which silly me, I figure all one really needs in a cave is a sleeping bag. Finally, after more cavorting in the cave the alien attacks and general mayhem ensues. Well not really, we are treated to every second of a rescue then a slow moving camera going across a body of a female and then some more cool stuff happens followed by another long stretch of nothing. You can see the problem, I am afraid the makers of this film were so enthralled with the cave that they forgot multiple times that they were supposed to be making an alien horror movie. There is some potential in this one, as there is a great kill involving a guy losing his head, also a nice attack on a couple as the cave seems to be alive. All the on screen kills are pretty good, just to much padding. The finale is particularly weak as we do not get to see any more cool deaths only a woman running from a point of view monster that at one point looked as if the monster was running from her. The makers of this film really did not seem to have a vision on what they wanted their monster to look like. Suffice to say at its best it looked like snakes, at worst hosepipe. More cool deaths, a faster moving story would have helped here immensely as would have a more climatic ending. Seriously, they showed nothing at the end to make the end cool. So just a bit of a bore for the most part with some very nice death scenes scattered here and there and a very nice topless shot of the lead girl. And you find out the best way out of a cave too, it is apparently to run fast, then in slow motion all at the same time to the point the fast you far surpasses the slow motion you.