The Alchemist

1871- Robert Ginty's wife is hexed by an evil magician, and a duel ensues. Tragically, the wife ends up dead, and Ginty is cursed to eternal life as a Jeckyll/Hyde type beast. 1955- A woman en route and her male hitch-hiker have car troubles in the remote forest...but it may be more than mere chance that they are in Ginty's "neck of the woods".

What transpires is a watchable, albeit rather juvenile horror film, one that will be unlikely to surface as anyone's favorite film, but entertaining enough to be recommendable to most genre fans. Effects range from weak to fairly impressive, and performances are fairly serviceable for a minor picture of this type.

All in all, not too bad...though hardly essential viewing.

No wonder why this is a forgettable Empire picture by director Charles Brand, because it's unsuccessfully lifeless and uneventful. It's quite a shame, as when this cheap-jack b-grade production gets going it's ultra-bizarre and has a dramatically airy, tuneful Richard Brand music score. The problem fell on the patchy script, as it was goofy and largely ponderous. This led to the oddly subdued premise (delving into the courageous act sacrifice and fulfilment) not building up to anything much. Leaving it monotonous and half-baked. Even that in mind, something about it had some sort of pull over me. Energy levels kind of picked up in the last half hour, where some rubbery demons with gooey make-up, tatty gore FX (body cut in half) and bright optical work presented some fun. Performances are extra ordinary. Robert Ginty (known for his role in "The Exterminator") plays it in an understated manner, and pines a lot. Lucinda Dooling mechanically goes through the motions, and John Sanderford looks bemused more often. Robert Glaudini as the evil alchemist gets nothing really to do, but look evil. Viola Kate Simpson constantly nags away. Nothing about these characters draws you in, or makes you feel anything for them. Charles Brand's blotchy direction has some peaks in choosing a gorgeous, but eerie woodland backdrop for the chaos and there are some tight, dark passages of shuddery images. But these limitations spoiled what was a better than usual idea.

This movie doesn't have a clear plot and seems almost patched together. I saw it in theatrical release in 1986 and noticed that the film was copyrighted in 1981 - and the IMDB lists it as 1984. Obviously something got fouled up with this movies production, and the resulting film shows it. There is one good 20 minute segment involving some spooky goings on on a lonely, dark road - but that seen seems to be out of place in the movie.

I rated this movie a "2" - so that is almost, but not quite as bad as it gets.

The Alchemist is a simple, enjoyable, elemental morality tale, easily understandable for those (few, I guess) people who understand humanity and what we do to ourselves and our own souls in the name of "justice." I'm surprised and saddened that so many people seem to have missed the point of the film. It's worth seeing.

The audience for The Alchemist is, admittedly, limited. But those who remember hokey 80s bum-budget fare fondly will probably be fairly tolerant of this unspecial Charles Band outing.

We're introduced to a hitchhiker, John Sanderford, who gets picked up by a cute waitress, Lucinda Dooling, who's been having occult visions that interfere with her driving. Meanwhile, fleshy-faced Robert Ginty, star of one of the quintessential cheapcrud vigilante films, The Exterminator, here has an even more lowbrow role as a man plagued by a werewolf-like curse. Somehow, this quasi-werewolf glassblower's destiny seems to be linked with that of the waitress, who bears an uncanny resemblance to his dead wife. Robert Glaudini, weird star of Band's lurid masterpiece Parasite, has a small role as the title character (?).

If all of that sounds complicated, don't worry, because it isn't. The Alchemist is pretty casual viewing, fairly uneventful, actually, and won't appeal to people with 21st century attention spans. Those who stick with it, however, will at least be treated to a gateway to Hell, a couple of neat if not particularly formidable demons, and maybe a few moments approximating scares. Tame as a whole, The Alchemist does have some brief gross/gory scenes; my favorite is the white and green slime oozing out of a dead demon's head.

A guilty pleasure - one for all you Bandites out there.