Barbarian Queen

I had a theory about movies. For every two minutes of Bad movie you need one minute of Nudity to make it watchable. This movie puts that theory to the test, and disproves it with a glorious vigor.

I think most every female in this movie was topless for the majority of it. The story is milk toast, but what I found the most absurd is just how bad the acting was. I mean it was Tommy Wiseau bad. In fact the nudity and acting are so bad there's almost a shamelessness about it. As though it's proud of how bad it is. And for that I would actually recommend it for anyone who wants to see a lot of breasts in a low budget Connan rip off.

For those who are feeling daring I offer the barbarian Queen Drinking game. This requires two teams, Team One is team acting and Team two is Team Boobs. For ever poorly acted line of dialog, team Acting takes a drink, For every set of boobs you see, team Boobs takes a drink. Please keep an EMT handy and sober as most likely more than one person will almost die of alcohol poisoning. You've been warned

An unenterprising addition to the (rightly) maligned '80s genre of the sword-and-sorcery movie (you'd be well advised to check out the likes of DEATHSTALKER and THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER instead of this uninspiring dreck) whose sole purpose seems to be to show as many naked women throughout the film as possible. But this isn't soft-core porn by any means; instead it's a low budget action epic, shot on the cheap in Argentina by a talentless bunch of guys who don't know two things about fight choreography (case in point: compare this film with a similar Shaw Brothers sword-fighting epic – no contest).

The film deserves note – and perhaps credit – for portraying some feisty and powerful female warriors who easily overthrow their male oppressors, but then proceed to turn this idea on its head by insisting that all of the female performers be naked or raped at one time or another. Although female torture, rape and molestation may sound unpleasant, rest assured that this film portrays the scenes as weakly and routinely as it can, without power.

Lana Clarkson ("I'll be no man's slave and no man's whore! And if I can't kill them all, by the Gods, they'll know I've tried!") is the Nordic beauty who leads a revolt against the aforementioned oppressors. I think these guys are meant to be Roman but you wouldn't guess, seeing as the costumes are so poor. Most of the film consists of drawn-out action sequences which are really poorly done and much less interesting than any Italian peplum from the '60s you could ever find. The middle section of the film consists of torture and contains an amusing scene of a guy being thrown into an acid bath, but that's about it.

Despite the inclusion of some muscular men in a gladiator battle, the excitement level is null. Expect to see lots of naked female flesh and some unwanted naked male flesh. Expect to see poor camera-work, shoddy and unconvincing gore effects and an utterly routine payoff for your time. Expect to see a level of film-making so cheap, unimaginative and unskilled that you can barely bother to watch the movie at all. Expect to see the sequel.

After surviving a brutal attack on her village on the day of her wedding to a tribal prince (Frank Zagarino), a tough female warrior (the late Lana Clarkson) seeks revenge. With the help of two equally powerful warriors (Katt Shea, Susana Traverso), she recruits more rebels before taking the battle to an evil army led by an evil king (Arman Chapman).

Silly, poorly acted (and poorly dubbed) romp is loaded with action and gratuitous nudity (just about every female bares it all, including Clarkson). Nothing original here, except the heroine using her vagina as a weapon against one of her captors and he complains that she's "too tight." Trashy and entertaining at the same time. My evaluation: ** out of ****.

41 seconds in and you have a topless woman. Thanks to Shout Factory this glorious entry into the 80's Sword and Sorcery trash cinema along with Amazons was just released on a Blu-ray double bill. All I can say is "Thank you." I remember watching this gem when it first came out, along with every other entry into the genre. Roger Corman, you sir were in integral part of my misspent teens. Is it complete garbage, yep but it's my type of garbage. Every single one of these Sword and Sorcery "films" are cinematic gold. Plain and simple. Scoff if you will but I bet I'm not alone.

I don't have much to say about this film. I was 13 when it first came out, and I saw it on video in '86. My only reason for watching this film was for the scantily dressed women warriors that were in it, having sex nearly every other scene. The torture chamber was my favorite scene, and the best line in the movie was when the torturer had Lana Clarkson on the rack, and after a brief torture, he decides to "bone" her. His reason, aside from suddenly being horny is "You're making a contribution to science." That line had me in stitches. Remember this line fellas the next time your girlfriend holds out on you!