Never Too Young to Die

Are ya feeling like breaking out? Looking for danger Feeling adventurous Then you must Put your trust Not in a stranger

Playin' your own game Do it your own way Keepin' your own sound That you found Goin' down Playin' like you play

Who knows what you'll find You might like it, or not But all that you find, boy Is all that you got

(Stargrove!) Flying like you've never flown (Stargrove!) Runnin' through a danger zone (Stargrove!) Are you gonna stand alone? Stargrove! Stargrove!

You feel like takin' The world on your shoulders You're just a Robin Hood Makin' good Where you could You're one of the soldiers

Faster than lightning Nothing can strike you You got the good stuff Tough enough Stayin' rough There's no one like you

Who knows what you'll find You might like it, or not But all that you find, boy Is all that you got

(Stargrove!) Flying like you've never flown (Stargrove!) Runnin' through a danger zone (Stargrove!) Are you gonna stand alone? Stargrove! Stargrove!

This should have been released as a single. It should have been #1 on Billboard's charts for months! Absolute perfection.

And Gene L. Simmons should have won the Oscar for best performance in '86. Absolute genius.

I haven't seen this movie in over ten years but it still sticks in my mind. Gene sticking his middle finger on Vanity's chest and maniacally shouting out, "STARGROVE!!!!" The gay dance sequences. The unrequieted love of poor Cliff for his mondo studdly friend and hero, Lance. Gene's performance of "It takes a man like me to be a woman like me" (some of the lyrics of which were so good, incidentally, that Gene recycled and used in the song 'Spit' on the album 'Revenge') This whole movie rocks. I can't believe it is out of print, and I can't believe it isn't available in digital format yet. You can't go wrong with this movie.

Maybe, unlike the title, I'm getting too old, but dang it...this was fun.

Oh, this is bad, terribly bad, but in a good way. The ole: So bad, it's good. Well, thanks, How Did This Get Made? I listened to their podcast review of this bad flick first, and then watched the movie. And now, I have to go back and listen to it all over again. And why? They were spot on with their enjoyment of this crazily stupid movie.

And yes, I'll be spending 270 minutes on this film. (90 minutes for the podcast, 90 for the actual film and another 90 re-listening to said podcast.) And I'm not ashamed to admit it.

The plot revolves around a non-gymkata gymnast whose dad is absent for most of his tournaments and it turns out, Daddy's a spy! Well, when Father's out of the picture, it's up to Junior and Vanity to take on Rocky Horror so the Batman won't Begin.

Is this for everyone? Absolutely not. It's for people who both appreciate cinema and at the same time, need some cheese with their wine.

***

Final thoughts: With these bad movies, I generally find them for free on YouTube. I did not in this case, so I simply checked my Amazon Prime account and BAM! there it was. For free. Well with my account, that is. So, I had to see it. And it was so deliciously Bmovie, I have to recommend it.

OK, I'm not actually through with the movie -- I'm about halfway through, and I had to tell everyone to buy it!

John Stamos' father is a secret agent, murdered by a gang of weirdos who want a disk that tells how to poison the city water supply. John inherits a farm house and discovers what his father's work was as he finds all kinds of weapons and gadgets in the farm house and is pursued by the same bad guys as his father, who also left behind a pretty partner who knows how to shoot.

There are motorcycles, kisses, and, more -- and I haven't even finished the tape!

This movie is bad. But it's the laughable, entertaining kind of bad you find in movies like Grease II. You see great and crummy actors and actresses cast together that you would have never imagined, EVER. Gene Simmons of KISS fame plays the villainess gal with 'something extra'. You camp it up, Gene! You gotta love Gene Simmons, who has been playing in drag longer than Dame Edna. John Stamos plays himself basicly, no change in hair or motivation. He's handsome enough I suppose, but there is no acting range for this man. George Lazenby (one time James Bond) even makes an appearance!! Vanity made her career on those flawless cheekbones/exotic beauty, matched with dazzling clothes and sexy prancing, works her formula to the hilt. But she's convincing, because she seems like the type who really could beat the stuffing out of someone. She's a tough gal, secret agent with a heart of gold. The flirtation scene between John Stamos, Vanity and the garden hose will make heterosexual men lose sleep over her. (And make transvestites pine for Vanity's jungle bikini) The breast and nipple biting in this movie will truly surprise and titillate you! See it to laugh, to mock, and to marvel at the feminine charms of Gene Simmons. Nothing beats a great pair of legs!

"Stargrove, Lance Stargrove." John Stamos plays the son of super spy George Lazenby (you know, the guy who played James Bond in one movie) in this 80s teen oriented Son-of-Bond type of story. When his super spy dad is murdered, high school gymnast Stamos teams up with his dad's former partner, 80s sexpot Vanity, to stop evil hermaphrodite Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons). Generally speaking, this film is a mess, but it's a glorious unintentionally hilarious mess. Try to imagine if Tim Curry's Dr. Frank-N-Furter from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" was suddenly a James Bond villain, which admittedly would be pretty funny, except this film couldn't seem to make up it's mind if it wanted to be an straight James Bond action film or a spoof. Simmons many "disguises" wouldn't fool anyone outside of Scooby Doo and it's completely baffling why Simmons' army of henchmen are dresses like refugees from a Max Max film. Why would the creators of this film have thought the world wanted another gymnast action hero after 1985's rousing flop "Gymkata"? I suppose this film was directed by Gil Bettman, the man behind "Knight Rider" and "BJ and the Bear," so he is someone who thought the world needed a crime solving car and road stories of a trucker and his pet monkey. Oh, you also get Robert Englund in a hammy role as one of Simmons' henchmen. I'm pretty sure both England and Simmons realized this movie was a mess, but I'm not sure anyone else did. Only worth watching as a so-bad-it's-good viewing experience.