The Carpenter

Yeah, yeah, I know. Buying "The Carpenter" was all my fault, and I shouldn't have harbored the expectations that I did. I accept that. I'm not trying to blame anyone else for my misguided foul-ups. I do reserve the right, however, to curse the studio and all it represents for the various cinematic disappointments that are simply inexcusable.

The movie seemed interesting enough to me. A mysterious carpenter continues to appear in the, quote, "delirious dead of night," gruesomely eliminating any man or woman that causes the house owner grief. Yeah, yeah, great stuff.

The movie delivered, but only on certain levels. Yes, the carpenter showed up. And yes, the night always seemed slightly delirious. And you know what? There were even a number of original, if uninspired, death scenes. Great, great stuff.

Upon closer inspection, however, several glaring mistakes made themselves all too real.

Firstly, what's the deal with Wings Hauser? You've got one of the greatest character actors ever to grace the screen, and you waste his talent in such a visually lusterless role? Yeah yeah, I know. Wings Hauser sucks. Character actor? He's hardly an actor. The point I'm trying to make is that he needed to be dressed like a ghoul to make this flick a little more aesthetically appealing.

Secondly, and perhaps decisively, there's no nudity. I'm sorry, what? That's right, no nudity. There are two or three women in the film, but none strip down like they're supposed to. Several times we're offered some sort of teaser, but they never amount to anything. The very element that could have made this film is completely ignored, and "Carpenter" suffers for it.

Because of these simple mistakes, "The Carpenter" dawdles more in the twisted-romantic-drama genre and less in ceaseless, mind-numbing, bad horror like it was meant to. Sad. Very sad.

Ah well. Rent it anyway. It seems that if I can get other people to watch this crap, my life seems less desperate and lonely.

THE CARPENTER is one of those forgettable direct-to-video films made in the 1980s that was filmed in Canada (probably financed by a Canadian cable network). There's almost nothing memorable about it. Bland cast and acting. Bland story. Bland music. Bland horror. Bland everything. The dull story doesn't fit any known horror category: is it supernatural? slasher? psychological horror? Probably but it's so shallow that calling it a psychological horror is too generous.

So this carpenter (a ghost?) kills all the people that annoy a mentally disturbed woman, who, during the beginning of the film, experienced a nervous breakdown (no reason is given for her breakdown). The film almost works on a feminist level: most of the victims are men and the nonsensical dialogue Wings Hauser spouts throughout the film sounds like feminism 101. But calling this boring horror a feminist statement would be an insult to feminism, whether if one agrees with feminism or not.

Anyway, too many words for a crappy film. There's almost nothing memorable about this film except for one scene: the woman is having a blissful dream with the carpenter. They're both dressed in white and dance cheek to cheek to music when the carpenter, at one point, unzips himself and the woman screams in horror at what she sees off-screen: we hear the sound of a drill. The carpenter has a drill for a penis. Totally ludicrous scene which made me laugh out loud. Had THE CARPENTER had more scenes like this, it would have been much more entertaining.

From producer Jack Bravman, a man who worked on such films as "Snuff" and "Zombie Nightmare", comes this goofy but fun horror movie, pretty much the working definition of the word offbeat.

Written by Doug Taylor and directed by David Wellington, "The Carpenter" tells the story of poor Alice (Lynne Adams), a woman with an uncaring and unfaithful husband, Martin (Pierre Lenoir). Alice has had a nervous breakdown, and after getting out of the hospital, she moves with the hubby into a country estate being renovated. She finds that every night after every other worker has gone home, a mysterious carpenter (Wings Hauser) continues to toil away, because after all, a job's not done until it's done. Words to live by. Anyway, she finds herself enticed by this guy, to the point where she looks forward to seeing him all the time.

"The Carpenter" is an amusing Canuck horror flick that this viewer wouldn't really consider a slasher, and would concede may not have enough action, gore, or kills for some tastes. And, truthfully, it's a little disappointing that there isn't more gore when The Carpenter is busy eliminating any unpleasant person on the premises using his assorted implements (nail gun, power drill, etc.). But, in the end, what I like about this is how crazy it is, even as it tries to employ a psychological approach. What is The Carpenter to Alice - an angel or a devil?

Some moments in this movie are so silly, and so hilarious, it's hard to believe Bravman and company didn't have their tongues in their cheeks, at least to some degree, and it's just too entertaining to see Hauser and Adams indulge in some fairly serious conversations, as Wings waxes poetic on the nature of masculinity and the problem that arises when men get too far removed from good, honest, hard physical labor. Men have to take PRIDE in what they do, damn it!

Wings fans can note that he's in fine form, as he plays this nutty character who can be stern, sadistic, creepy, likeable, and charming all at the same time, as he imparts upon others his own sense of morality. Adams, Lenoir and the other actors are just okay at best; they certainly pale in comparison to the dynamic star of this thing. Ron Lea, however, is a hoot as the jovial local sheriff who provides exposition in a manner that's anything but boring.

Filmed on various Quebec locations, "The Carpenter" may eventually end up with a rather conventional finish, but until then it's pretty engaging - and, I dare say, under-rated - stuff.

Seven out of 10.

"The Carpenter" is certainly more intelligent than many horror films out there,but it's also so mediocre.The plot is quite interesting,but the pace is rather slow and the film becomes quickly dull.There is a good deal of splatter and some gruesome killings,but really this one isn't worth your time.4 out of 10-not a classic by any means,just another mediocre Canadian horror.

Released from hospital after a nervous breakdown, Alice Jarett (Lynne Adams) moves into a country house with her philandering husband Martin (Pierre Lenoir), who has employed a team of workmen to renovate the property. At night, after the workmen have gone home and as Martin sleeps (having taken tranqs), Alice hears noises and investigates, discovering a lone carpenter (played by straight-to-video star Wings Hauser) hard at work. The genial craftsman befriends the flaky housewife, and becomes her guardian angel, using his handy array of power-tools to take care of those who mean to do her harm. It eventually transpires that Alice's new friend is the ghost of Ed, the man who originally built their home, and who was executed in the electric chair after killing those who tried to repossess his property.

I first saw The Carpenter in the wee hours at an all-night horror festival and struggled to stay focused thanks to the film's rather slow pace. But even with me wide awake this time around, the languorous approach still made this one drag quite a bit. As the carpenter with a screw loose (pun intended), Hauser absolutely nails it (pun also intended), being both charismatic and menacing, and there are a couple of reasonably bloody death scenes, but for much of the time I was bored (bored... board... geddit? OK, I was struggling with that one!).