Houseboat Horror

Houseboat Horror is a great title for this film. It's absolutely spot-on, and therefore the only aspect of the film for which I can give 10 out of 10. There are houseboats, there is horror, there's even horror that takes place on houseboats. But if there were ever a tagline for the film poster, it would surely be 'Something shonky this way comes...' for Houseboat Horror is easily the worst Australian horror film I've ever seen, not to mention one of the worst horror films I've ever seen, and a fairly atrocious attempt at film-making in general. The good news is, it's so bloody awful, it sails straight through the zone of viewer contempt into the wonderful world of unintentional hilarity. It's worth watching *because* it's bloody awful.

The category of 'worst' comes not from the storyline, for the simple reason that there actually is one: a record producer, a film crew and a rock band drive up to the mystifyingly-named Lake Infinity, a picturesque rural retreat somewhere in Victoria (in reality Lake Eildon) to shoot a music video. Someone isn't especially happy to see them there and, possibly in an attempt to do the audience a favour, starts picking them off one by one with a very sharp knife. Even more mystifying is how long it takes the survivors to actually notice this,

On the surface, it looks like a very bog-standard B-movie slasher. You've got highly-annoying youths, intolerant elders, creepy locals (one of whom, a petrol station attendant, would easily win a gurning competition), and let's face it, my description of the murderer could easily be Jason Voorhees. Ah, but if only the acting and production values were anywhere near as good as the comparative masterpiece that was Friday The 13th Part VII. Unfortunately, Houseboat Horror is completely devoid of both these things.

But in the end, this only makes what you do get so ridiculous and amusing. Fans of one-time 'Late Show' and 'Get This' member Tony Martin will already be aware of some of the real dialogue gems ('Check out the view...you'll bar up!'), while the actual song to accompany the music video is so bad it has to be heard to be believed - I can't help wondering if writer/director Ollie Wood hoped it would actually become a hit. The horror element is comparable I think to B-slashers of the genre and particularly of the period, but there were times when I couldn't help imagining someone biting into a hamburger off-screen and seeing a volley of tomato sauce sprayed at the wall on-screen.

Indeed, if you've been listening to Tony Martin recommending this film as hilarious rubbish like myself, I don't think you'll be disappointed. Any fans of 'so-bad-it's-good' horror should not pass up the opportunity. Whether you'll 'bar up' or not though is another matter. If, on the other hand, you are in search of genuine excellence in the Australian horror genre, get yourself a copy of the incomparable 'Long Weekend' and don't look back.

Houseboat Horror is dreadful. Appalling. Pathetic at best. But at the same time, it is amusing to see people like John-Michael Howsen and Jim from Neighbours (remember him?) in such a dreadful film.

Of course the movie itself is not great, but that in itself is entertaining, especially if you get a few mates around and have a few drinks while watching it. Because like everything else, it's always better when you're drunk.

Or to put it simply, if you can put up with bad acting, bad filming, bad directing, bad sound, bad lighting, bad special effects, and bad everything else, you'll love it.

This film is so bad it's good. In fact if you watch it you may bar up. It has some classic Aussie charactors performing roles. Neighbours fans should not miss this with a steller performance from Alan Dale.

The wildlife like the yellow belly black snack at the BBQ a highlight.

Before I begin, allow me to refer to the theory of Mr. Charles Montgomery Burns to describe my opinion about this movie.

"I don't really understand art, but I know what I hate. And I don't hate this..."

I don't really understand the appeal behind this movie. I can think of no more daggy an era than the late 80s in Victoria to locate a film. Secondly, I can't understand why a creditable actor such as Alan (you're off my detail) Dale would lend his talent to this film, having also built the image of a decent family man on "Neighbours". What I enjoy about this movie is the fact that I know no worse. Only recently, I have started becoming interested in cinema, and I have found that there is a demand for perfectionism in all films. If Kevin Smith had released "Clerks" today, he wouldn't have won a solitary award for it. That's modern cinema at work.

Only Australia could write, direct, produce and release a film like this. Only Australia could gather some very notable stars and draw from them drawl about "walkabouts" and "bar up". Only Australia would bother. So think of film as an expression of the true Australian psyche, that things don't need to be perfect. That people can and will enjoy even the most pointless and lazy film. That Australia has the most creative and surreal cinema in the world. That John Michael Houson appeared in a movie he would have canned the following day with Bert...

Yep, this film is bad. Really bad. But it's worth watching just so the next time you watch Gavin Wood on the Lotto draw on Saturday nights, you can laugh at the memory of his acting performance. Incidentally, this film is so bad it was featured by D-Generation members on The Late Show back in the 90s, in a "Is this the worst film ever made?" type review. Although a possible runner-up in the Worst Australian Film category could be the Day/Strike of the Panther, two appalling martial arts films shot in Perth. I have no idea how they got the funding for the second effort!