Elves

From the wacky side of the 80's dtv realm, 'Elves' would have angered me had I seen it when I was younger & my tastes were much different. I'm not going to go as far as to say it's worth your time, but I enjoyed the fun insanity now. A borderline tasteless story, cuckoo with enough laughs and decently made. If you're in the right mood, you won't be bored.

Three young women do a seance in the woods using a stolen book and unwittingly unleash a demonic creature. Kirsten (Julie Austin) is still a virgin who lives with her little brother, twisted Mom (Deanna Lund) and creepy semi paralyzed "Grandpa" (Borah Silver) and key to a Nazi plot to create the super race. As ex-cop Mike (Dan Haggerty) working at the same dept store as her slowly finds out what the heck is going on.

A finale that stops just short of spelling out what's going on, but still gross. Gratuitous nudity from Austin and Lund. "Gramps" in a category all to himself that I won't spoil. Add in offscreen kills, poor "Elf" effects (though they try to keep it confined to the shadows) and info dump scenes. LOL trips to the library, a local know-it-all professor and even a doctor who spells it out while his young daughters listen in.

A parade of perverts, Nazis, cocaine, lust, incest & the bizarre. 'Elves' is a crazy time that you're not supposed to take at face value ... at least I hope so. The filmmakers treat the material seriously and even drop a sequel smelling ending (for which one never came? Shocker). Supposed to be horror with sci-fi tones, but so crude, unintentionally funny that it's more of a trainwreck than anything else. Bad movie fans might have a new Christmas classic.

Not much of a Christmas horror outing, just that it's set around that time. Nonetheless "Elves" (when there really is only one elf) is z-grade, low-brow shot-on-video schlock that surely entertains in its cheap, stagy execution and downright daftness, although surprisingly Dan Haggerty puts in a solid showing (and definitely the best of the performances) as a store department Santa Clause caught up in the madness. What's going on is truly oddball and baffling, but it's a ridiculously fun idea that has Neo-Nazis using the occult in trying to create the perfect soldier and this involves an genetically created Elf (who no way can be considered Santa's little helper) impregnating the chosen virgin on Christmas Eve to create the master race to take over the world. What a way to celebrate Christmas. Nazis, Santa, numerous sexual themes (from perverted to violent), a sour-face blond virgin, crazily neurotic mother (Deanna Lund) and a hideous 2ft elf with murderous impulses. Yeah it's a soap opera of sorts with a poignant cruel streak and laughable dialogues. The creature design looks decent enough, despite the stiff movements and we get moments of blurry elf vision.

"When there's no more room in hell. The elves will walk the earth."

No doubt about it, this is one piece of cinematic crap if there ever was one. But, it is likable in several respects. One, Dan Haggerty, he of golden mane (is it gold from all the cigarettes he smokes?) and large belly and beard. Two, the Elf doll is hilariously cheesy. It is like watching someone play with a toy. The thing must only have like one moving part. Three, the dialog is hilarious and the acting is horrendous. As a so bad its funny film, its definitely worth wasting an hour and a half on. But beyond that, this is really crappy. Even as a so bad its funny schlockfest, it could have been much better. It gets bogged down in an absurd conspiracy story about Nazis and the fourth Reich, so on. Although this retarded back story results in a great scene where a professor explains to Marlboro Man Haggerty ( actually they were Camels) the history of Nazis and elves at his Christmas dinner table. The name is false, as well, as there is only one elf.

OK, I'm normally not the kind of guy who thinks bad movies are funny. If I see a movie that is truly terrible, then I may have a couple of laughs, but I will be disappointed overall. That's why I am finding it hard to say, as nearly everybody who has seen the film does, that Elves is a bad movie. I loved it. I don't think that I have ever laughed so hard at a movie in all of my life. Here's a memorable quote. Grizzly Adams, let me repeat, GRIZZLY ADAMS: "Tell me about the connection between the elves and the Nazis." If you find this line at all interesting or humorous then I have to say, SEE ELVES. The story: A Nazi grandfather has selectively inbred to create a girl who, when impregnated by an elf, will create the Nazi 4th Reich: An army of Nazi elves who will take over the world! Yeah, this plot is incredibly stupid, but you have to admit that whoever thought up this idea was a pretty creative individual, and I give him a lot of credit. The movie follows the young girl who is being hunted by a sex crazed elf and Grizzly Adams' character, who is doing everything in his power to try and help the girl. Grizzly is pursued by a group of unknown men who are attempting to stop his hunt for the elf at any cost. This results in an especially gut-busting scene in which we see Grizzly Adams dive roll out of a speeding car right before it explodes. HAHA! I'm laughing right now just thinking about it. Do you want to see a perverted department store Santa killed by a mutant elf who stabs him repeatably in the genitalia? See Elves. The acting is great, and by great a mean absolutely hilarious; it's NOT that bad, it's just really funny. I suppose I am really hyping this movie up. I watched it with a large group of friends who all claimed that the movie was bad, and yet they were laughing just as hard as me through the whole thing. Maybe you will think Elves is a bad movie, but I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it.

Let's face it, with a title like Elves I expected to see, well... elves. This movie should more accurately be called Elf. That's right, there is one, count him, ONE elf. I suppose Elves sounds a little more frightening than Elf, though not much. Picture a hoard of evil elves descending upon you - kind of scary as a large number of them may be able to overpower you or rip your limbs off. Now, picture what we get in the movie, one rubber elf mask permanently frozen with it's mouth open. As Count Floyd used to say, "oooooo, isn't that scary, boys and girls?..... well, isn't it?!"

When I mention the following things all in a movie, it appears that we should have a winner - Dan Haggerty, evil elves, nazi's, teenagers, and Santa. But Elves just doesn't really succeed in converting all that potential into something great or truly horrendous. Granted, there is high entertainment value in hearing Haggerty and the other characters say things like "I want to know the connection between the elves and the nazi's" or "Look man, I'm tellin' you what I saw, god damn it, I'm tellin' you I saw a two foot elf!"

There are really amusing things in the movie, often unintentional, but overall it's a disappointment.