Laser Mission

Well… "Laser Mission" is obviously not a good film. But, Brandon Lee does show what good breeding can do for a man. And, Debi Monahan does show what good cleavage can do for a woman. The low-cut blue dress Ms. Monahan wears on her date with Mr. Lee makes its points. She keeps it on for almost the entire movie. You also get a lot of fighting, shooting, and Ernest Borgnine.

"Kidnapped by Soviet agents, Professor Braun (Borgnine) is forced to work on a powerful laser weapon that could be used to enslave the world," according to the DVD synopsis, "The CIA decides to send agents Michael Gold (Lee) and Alissa (Monahan) into Cuba to retrieve the scientist and a cache of diamonds being used to build the weapon." The soundtrack, by David Knopfler, is rare and well done.

*** Laser Mission (11/89) B.J. Davis ~ Brandon Lee, Debi Monahan, Ernest Borgnine, Graham Clarke

In only his second leading role, Brandon Lee already shows charisma and even a gift for self-parody, and he particularly shines when he's allowed to show his terrific fighting skills....unfortunately there is much more gun action than hand-to-hand combat here. His co-star, Debi Monahan, is not much of a fighter, but she's sexy, she can handle a gun and if there was a "best cleavage" award in the movies then I think she would have won it that year. Watching these two almost makes up for the forced "comic relief" from the secondary characters, the monotonous action, the confusing geography and the low production values. But who thought it was a good idea to have Ernest Borgnine waving a shotgun and running around in the desert at his age? (Happy belated 89th birthday, by the way!) (**)

Sometimes you just have to raid the DVD bin at the dollar store to have a good laugh with some friends. I found this jem today and promptly purchased it, sped home to toss it into my DVD player, and basked in the glory of my home theater.

Okay, not really. Obviously the movie is ripped from a VHS source, with the highly bleeding reds and hue saturation that would make a drag queen toss out his makeup bag.

The audio is pretty lo-fi, except for the odd instances where glass breaks and it magically turns into a life-like experience.

Brandon Lee reminds me of a young Bruce Campbell in this movie, believe it or not. Lots of corny dialogue and one-liners throughout. He gets beat up and shot at, and actually takes a few of the hits once in a while. There's TONS of continuity errors with the editing.

The accents are hilarious, as well as the spoken and written Spanish that was so poor I thought that I might have written it. Since I don't remember the movie actually saying they were in Cuba, it's funny to just imagine some fictional land of VW vans with unlimited fuel supplies, disappearing camels, and 400 mile deserts that are very easy to navigate through as long as you find a horse after it ran away a day ago.

The movie is actually somewhat fast-paced, unlike most of the garbage that was intolerable even while inebriated that I've grabbed up from the $1 bins.

Next time you run by it, pick yourself up a copy, then pour out some of your 40 in memory of the late, great, Brandon Lee.

...not only did he have a short career and died before he was able to break out, but he starred in a TERRIBLE movie that somehow lost its copyright and is now widely available in bargain bins in Wal-Marts and K-Marts all across North America!

Those who like so-bad-they're-good movies may enjoy this, if they can get past Brandon's humiliation. His character is unbelievably obnoxious, with snide remarks and an egotistical attitude that make it hard to root for him. Still, there's a lot to laugh at here. Unbelievably cheap production values, unbelievably goofy dialogue, "comic" relief that's so bad that it becomes funny (though not in the way intended!), and Borgnine's bad German accent (which fades in and out!) Incidently, it looks like Borgnine knocked off his scenes with only four or so days of shooting!

One genuinely positive thing to say about the movie: some of the desert locations do look spectacular. If anything good will come out of this fiasco, it may be that it will inspire some filmmaker (B movie or otherwise) to use these desert locations as a good backdrop for a far superior movie.

I can't say much that hasn't already been said brilliantly. Obviously, many of you love the bad movies the way I do.

For those of you reading this who have not seen the film, I'll tell you exactly why you should watch it: It's Brandon Lee in a feature-length Mentos commercial. I kid you not. The look and feel of this movie simply scream "The Freshmaker." You know you want to see it now.

And just to correct one bit of info someone else posted, the one and only song used in this movie (over and over and over) is indeed by David Knopfler. David was not, however, in Dire Straits. That was his brother Mark. This movie was only able to afford David. Sorta like getting Ted Mellencamp. Not good.