Laser Mission

I can't say much that hasn't already been said brilliantly. Obviously, many of you love the bad movies the way I do.

For those of you reading this who have not seen the film, I'll tell you exactly why you should watch it: It's Brandon Lee in a feature-length Mentos commercial. I kid you not. The look and feel of this movie simply scream "The Freshmaker." You know you want to see it now.

And just to correct one bit of info someone else posted, the one and only song used in this movie (over and over and over) is indeed by David Knopfler. David was not, however, in Dire Straits. That was his brother Mark. This movie was only able to afford David. Sorta like getting Ted Mellencamp. Not good.

...not only did he have a short career and died before he was able to break out, but he starred in a TERRIBLE movie that somehow lost its copyright and is now widely available in bargain bins in Wal-Marts and K-Marts all across North America!

Those who like so-bad-they're-good movies may enjoy this, if they can get past Brandon's humiliation. His character is unbelievably obnoxious, with snide remarks and an egotistical attitude that make it hard to root for him. Still, there's a lot to laugh at here. Unbelievably cheap production values, unbelievably goofy dialogue, "comic" relief that's so bad that it becomes funny (though not in the way intended!), and Borgnine's bad German accent (which fades in and out!) Incidently, it looks like Borgnine knocked off his scenes with only four or so days of shooting!

One genuinely positive thing to say about the movie: some of the desert locations do look spectacular. If anything good will come out of this fiasco, it may be that it will inspire some filmmaker (B movie or otherwise) to use these desert locations as a good backdrop for a far superior movie.

Michael Gold (Brandon Lee) is a mercenary hired by the CIA to find a German scientist (Ernest Borgnine). The scientist has developed a laser technology that everyone wants. After their rendezvous on the beach, both Brandon and Borgnine are captured. This sets up the daring escape by Brandon, after which he volunteers to go back and find the professor.

This movie is classically bad. It seems to take place in Africa, with Soviet, Cuban and German soldiers involved. Debi Monahan rounds up the cast as the professor's daughter. She is thoroughly annoying in this role, as her voice seems to increase in pitch as she gets louder and is also very whiny. The only redeeming qualities of her character is her push up blue dress, which seems to be the only thing she wears during the movie (she does wear a white jump suit at the beginning and a bed sheet after the "sex" scene).

Brandon Lee is suppose to be the star of this movie, however, he comes off quite flat. Its not just the acting thats bad but also the action. I haven't seen so many drop-kicks since Star Trek : The Original Series. He also tries to emulate his father by doing "characterizations" (see Chinese Connection). The slapping Manuel sketch is a good indicator how bad his acting is. It is funny though. He also seems to pull off an Arab beggar.

To complement Brandon (other than Debi Monahan), we get Mr. Borgnine (whom we see actually sleeping during a scene), a crazy Soviet Colonel (who refuses to die), a white big game hunter and a pair of bungling Cuban soldiers (a female Sergeant and the beloved Manuel).

Nothing sums up this movie more completely than the "theme song" of the movie (Mercenary Man), which seems to be playing in either muzak form or the 80's bad rock form and the dialog.

Dialog such as :

(Brandon) I did my job. Pay me and let me get the hell outta here.

(CIA suit) Kiss ... my ... ass !!!

(Brandon) NO !

This movie was definitely worth the $4 I spent on it. RIP Brandon.

-Celluloid Rehab

We are entreated with a song that sounds like leftover sixties or a Hallmark love story; they keep playing it over and over and over. Michael Gold (Brandon Lee) independent agent or mercenary is tasked with bringing back or killing a laser scientist Prof. Braun (Ernest Borgnine) probably related to Eva. If the scientist's laser knowledge is crossed with the world's biggest diamond it will create, are you ready for this? Nuclear weapons. To do this mission Michael must team up with the professor's libeling daughter Alissa (Michael).

The only problem is that the CIA does not trust him. The daughter turns out to have an annoyingly negative attitude.

Is she for real as she can shoot, drive, and cross 40 miles of desert in high heels?

Is the professor what he seems as he seems chummy with the bad guys?

Is Sgt. Roberta (Maureen Lahoud) a sergeant or a girl? In any case, she is part of a Laurel and Hearty team.

Like a cheap Bond movie will Gold get the professor, diamond, and daughter? Does he want to?

After you get the bad taste of this movie out of your mouth, watch Ernest Borgnine put his accent to effective use in "Ice Station Zebra" (1968)

Sometimes you just have to raid the DVD bin at the dollar store to have a good laugh with some friends. I found this jem today and promptly purchased it, sped home to toss it into my DVD player, and basked in the glory of my home theater.

Okay, not really. Obviously the movie is ripped from a VHS source, with the highly bleeding reds and hue saturation that would make a drag queen toss out his makeup bag.

The audio is pretty lo-fi, except for the odd instances where glass breaks and it magically turns into a life-like experience.

Brandon Lee reminds me of a young Bruce Campbell in this movie, believe it or not. Lots of corny dialogue and one-liners throughout. He gets beat up and shot at, and actually takes a few of the hits once in a while. There's TONS of continuity errors with the editing.

The accents are hilarious, as well as the spoken and written Spanish that was so poor I thought that I might have written it. Since I don't remember the movie actually saying they were in Cuba, it's funny to just imagine some fictional land of VW vans with unlimited fuel supplies, disappearing camels, and 400 mile deserts that are very easy to navigate through as long as you find a horse after it ran away a day ago.

The movie is actually somewhat fast-paced, unlike most of the garbage that was intolerable even while inebriated that I've grabbed up from the $1 bins.

Next time you run by it, pick yourself up a copy, then pour out some of your 40 in memory of the late, great, Brandon Lee.