Velvet Smooth

Velvet Smooth (1975) plunders Cleopatra Jones territory and stars Johnnie Hill, a stick-thin fashion disaster in her lemon suit and Tamara Dobson afro wig. Martial arts was the old stand-by to warm up any old leftovers, and true to grindhouse cinema tradition, Velvet Smooth contains the lamest kung-fu scenes you'll ever witness, where the punches land twelve inches from their target. Best of all is the title song: "Velvet Smooth, you are the one... Velvet Smooth, with love or with guns... You're Velvet Smooth, with piece in hand... If fate takes your youth, I won't understand..."

OK, I believe an in-depth analysis is not exactly necessary for this one. Its only value is in the unintentional laughs it has to offer. The martial-arts choreography is a disgrace to the words "martial" and "arts". The girls may be sexy and smooth, but I'm sorry, a weekend's training in combat is just not enough. The stuntmen are a joke. The fights are slow, clunky, and graceless. "T.N.T Jackson" has better fight scenes than "Velvet Smooth". Peter Sellers and Burt Kwouk have better fight scenes in the "Pink Panther" films. "Benny Hill" has better fight scenes - wait, "Benny Hill" has no fight scenes, I just got carried away by all the sped-up action. Well, you get the idea anyway. I think 0.5 out of 4 stars is a fair enough grade.

For a low-budget 70's martial arts film, I thought it was pretty entertaining. The soundtrack is really a hoot, as are the sets and costumes. I especially enjoyed the scene where King and Velvet are on the sofa and you can actually see the audio boom shifting back and forth at the bottom of the screen! When Velvet speaks her line the boom points at her and when King says something, the boom races back toward him--hilarious! I noticed that the casino bouncer is one of the "family" from "Super Fly". There are some amusing parallels: Velvet takes off her bracelet at home, cut to bracelets being stolen at the casino robbery. Also, during the fight scene on the top of the MTA building, the costumes match the colors and shapes of the hele-pad. I thought the Kojak lookalike was a really strange touch and whatever they were using for stage blood looked like marinara! Fantastic!

This is one of the weaker Blaxploitation films made in the 70's. Production value? Well, I have seen student films with better attention to detail. The acting is not any better. The music isn't too bad and unfortunately one of the only good things about this film.

If you are dedicated to the Genre, then you have to see it. Otherwise you aren't going to miss anything. They took the formula approach and it shows. You can't take any of these movies too seriously, but you can pass on this one.

See: Three the Hardway, Blackula, Superfly, Shaft or Detroit 9000.

Mega-gangster King Lathrop (Owen Watson) is being hit, and hit hard. Somebody's moving in on his action, and roughing up his customers. King calls in VELVET SMOOTH (Johnnie Hill) to make things happen. Ms. Smooth gets her crew together, including Frankie (Rene Van Clief).

Let the throw-down showdown begin!

See! A dozen masked thugs karate kicked to near extinction!

Watch! As their manhood is put into critical condition!

Velvet and Frankie are taking out the trash!

VELVET SMOOTH is another "urban" crime-thriller from the 1970's. While it's not at the bottom of the barrel, it's certainly no COFFY or CLEOPATRA JONES, either. It does have that funky 70's charm going on.

Yes, Ms. Hill speaks as though she's still rehearsing her lines, but hey! She's awesome! Looking good in red! Especially when she's kicking major felonious buttocks! Sure, the fight choreography is a bit south of TNT JACKSON, but hey! Velvet is Smooooth! Even when the microphone is in plain view, like a character in itself!

Right on!

EXTRA POINTS FOR: The theme song! "Outta Sight" doesn't even begin to describe it!...