Ninja the Protector

Richard Harrison once again finds himself in heavy mascara and camouflage ninja togs whilst being edited into a completely non ninja movie here!

Yes, Godfrey Ho strikes again and this time he has spliced some rather enjoyable ninja footage into what amounts to a somewhat odd soft porn movie!

Fair enough, the movie is certainly better than many of the other atrocities that Ho has chosen as his base for these films but it must nonetheless also rank as one of the most bizarre choices of film into which to edit in a tenuous ninja plot.

Still, it's the ninja action we want to see in this, so does our man Ho deliver the goods? Well sadly, (but as per usual in these movies) there's just not enough ninja activity on offer here which proves a genuine shame as what is present is great fun, for instance the ninja motorcycle duel! Also present and correct (but not necessarily welcome) is the abrupt ending (although there is admittedly a strange and unique charm in Ho's sudden cessation of these movies - it appears to be a trademark of his!)

Is it worth watching? For Z-grade ninja movie fans (of which I am one)of course! Everyone else would be well advised to steer clear....A Godfrey Ho film to the uninitiated may prove just too much for one's cerebral health!

Quite frankly Ninja The Protector is the most fantastic display of choreographical supremacy that I have ever had the good fortune to lay my hands on- and only for a single pound. This movie has provided hours and hours of entertainment: Not only do we have waggly-hand-gesture-instant-ninja-costume-changing, WITH SMOKE EFFECTS, but flamethrower hands, shurikens which move at 3 miles per hour and katanas which clang and don't injure ANYONE after multiple cartwheels.

Astounding! The warren chapters were highly erotic- the pornographic rating of this film almost filling me with orgasmic delight as completely irrelevant plot-devices fill the air: The only actual clue as to warren's involvement in the actual overplot of the film being incomprehensible, and all pivoting on the showing of a photograph at the beginning of the film by our godly uberhero- wossname. Cameo Ninja... Thingy...

Basically, there are fights, fat blonde white guys and random acts of stupidity and porn- WITH MOTORBIKES!!!! This is quite simply the best manfilm ever. Hats off to you all.

It was five years ago when I first watched a Godfrey Ho collaboration, the superb Secret Ninja, Roaring Tiger. To be fair, every movie, made by ANYONE, is in the shadows of Secret Ninja, and as such I was a little disappointed by the frequency of the quality moments in Ninaj the Protector, but that's not to say it's bad. There are absolutely amazing moments in this film, which make up for the fact that it's not chocablock with laughs.

Who wouldn't want to watch a film that in the trailer it boasts "Only a ninja can defeat a Ninja" but spaced out like all the dialogue in Godfrey Ho movies so it sounds like the voice over guy has a stammer. Classic chats amongst detectives such as "They say it was a Ninja what's a ninja?" "Nothing.... just a fairytale" Genius. In a fair and just world, Ho would have won 6 Oscars by now, but those pecks in Hollywood are obviously either racist or bribed by bigwigs such as Senor Spielbergo and James Cameron. I think it was also this movie that introduced us to David, the mild mannered brother of Bruce.

Bruce cheats on his wife with a woman, and brings this girlfriend round to his house. Then he looks confused, and almost disappointed, after looking around to find out his wife isn't home. What is going on here?? Bruce is a bit of a pecker, but David seems very down to earth. But yet, when the police describe David it is: "He's a playboy, and a trouble maker!" I would write about the plot and the storyline of this movie rather than just giving the best quotes, and pointing out bits that made us crease ourselves, but unfortunately, I don't have the foggiest what the fook is going on in this film! There are some nice instant clothes changes in this movie, and some random motorbike action. Plus Richard Harrison has a lovely 'tache, and Godfrey Ho is the master of including random soft porn scenes that have no bearing on the storyline whatsoever.

All in all, it's a good laugh, and well worth watching, especially with a group of mates when you've got some beers in. Chances are, you'll find it in a DVD bin in a pound shop, but if you tend not to frequent these outlets looking for gems such as this, keep an eye in the Works, as they often have it for 5p. No word of a lie, the Works sell DVDs with 2 movies on them for 10p!!

I am an advocate of a category I like to refer to as the "drunken classics". If you want a film to really move you, your selection is severely limited by the few hundred great films that have been made over the years. However, if you're getting drunk before or while you're watching a film, there are literally thousands of terrible, terrible films that become enjoyable where they would otherwise be unwatchable. The prime example of this theory would be the American Ninja Series (I-IV anyway, V is still unwatchable). It was in this mindset that I picked up Ninja:The Protector and I discovered something astounding; the film can actually make time stop. The running time may be listed at 90some minutes but I swear it took a week and a half out of my life. This film is not just terrible. It is terrible, cheesy, low-budget, slow, and although it has such an incredibly innane straight out of Thundercats plot, still manages to be one of the most confusing films I've ever seen. It is my belief that what actually happened was that they took 45 minutes of stock ninja footage together with a reject 70s drama pilot and just stuck them together and put all the money into the box art in the hopes of suckering someone, anyone into renting it. Anyone who sits through this film should have the opportunity to slap anyone that was involved with it, and then be slapped themselves. I know I deserve it. Please, if my only contribution to this world is that I saved one, just one person the pain and agony of this film, my life will have been worth living. Yes, I am that shallow.

No matter how many ninja films one sees it always looks to me like people fighting wearing pyjamas. This is particularly true in this film where the Richard Harrison character wears a natty pair of duds that look perfect for bedtime. Which makes the ninja fights he is in look silly. When he puts on his ninja suit he also looks slimmer. At least they could have had someone similar in size to Richard Harrison. He was a big boy.

The film is a hybrid of at least two others but one never knows. It could be more. The western actors are dubbed but their lip are saying the same dialogue anyway so it becomes quite surreal. The Hong Kong actors are also dubbed but one gets used to that in martial art films anyway even though their lip movements are so different. Being a hybrid the plot wavers all over the place. When a character says, "Tiger has been killed" you think, who heck is Tiger? Is my memory going or did they ever appear? A rambling plot, tame fight scenes and plain acting are not even redeemed by a couple of sex scenes as they are just as boring as the rest of the film. Not good, not good at all.