Ninja the Protector

No matter how many ninja films one sees it always looks to me like people fighting wearing pyjamas. This is particularly true in this film where the Richard Harrison character wears a natty pair of duds that look perfect for bedtime. Which makes the ninja fights he is in look silly. When he puts on his ninja suit he also looks slimmer. At least they could have had someone similar in size to Richard Harrison. He was a big boy.

The film is a hybrid of at least two others but one never knows. It could be more. The western actors are dubbed but their lip are saying the same dialogue anyway so it becomes quite surreal. The Hong Kong actors are also dubbed but one gets used to that in martial art films anyway even though their lip movements are so different. Being a hybrid the plot wavers all over the place. When a character says, "Tiger has been killed" you think, who heck is Tiger? Is my memory going or did they ever appear? A rambling plot, tame fight scenes and plain acting are not even redeemed by a couple of sex scenes as they are just as boring as the rest of the film. Not good, not good at all.

I love cheesey ninja movies. I LOVE them. The title lured me in, and the movie preceded to take away my will to live.

The first twenty minutes of this movie are solid gold. Cinematic trash at its very best. However somewhere in between the feuding twin brothers who also happen to be spies and the repeated sequences of bondage sex and violent rape, this movie made me want to die.

Imagine three of the least interesting and most melodramatic plots you can concieve, and then cram them into one movie that manages to bore, confuse and disturb all who view it, and there you have it. Nothing in this movie makes sense. Forget being believable, i couldn't UNDERSTAND it enough to pass judgment on that. I felt as if i had been drugged and then subjected to several hours of beatings and disorientation. The movie was only ninety minutes long, but i swear the hands on the clock stood still as this abomination continued to unfurl its tenticles on my mind. I will never forgive the makers of this sin.

It was five years ago when I first watched a Godfrey Ho collaboration, the superb Secret Ninja, Roaring Tiger. To be fair, every movie, made by ANYONE, is in the shadows of Secret Ninja, and as such I was a little disappointed by the frequency of the quality moments in Ninaj the Protector, but that's not to say it's bad. There are absolutely amazing moments in this film, which make up for the fact that it's not chocablock with laughs.

Who wouldn't want to watch a film that in the trailer it boasts "Only a ninja can defeat a Ninja" but spaced out like all the dialogue in Godfrey Ho movies so it sounds like the voice over guy has a stammer. Classic chats amongst detectives such as "They say it was a Ninja what's a ninja?" "Nothing.... just a fairytale" Genius. In a fair and just world, Ho would have won 6 Oscars by now, but those pecks in Hollywood are obviously either racist or bribed by bigwigs such as Senor Spielbergo and James Cameron. I think it was also this movie that introduced us to David, the mild mannered brother of Bruce.

Bruce cheats on his wife with a woman, and brings this girlfriend round to his house. Then he looks confused, and almost disappointed, after looking around to find out his wife isn't home. What is going on here?? Bruce is a bit of a pecker, but David seems very down to earth. But yet, when the police describe David it is: "He's a playboy, and a trouble maker!" I would write about the plot and the storyline of this movie rather than just giving the best quotes, and pointing out bits that made us crease ourselves, but unfortunately, I don't have the foggiest what the fook is going on in this film! There are some nice instant clothes changes in this movie, and some random motorbike action. Plus Richard Harrison has a lovely 'tache, and Godfrey Ho is the master of including random soft porn scenes that have no bearing on the storyline whatsoever.

All in all, it's a good laugh, and well worth watching, especially with a group of mates when you've got some beers in. Chances are, you'll find it in a DVD bin in a pound shop, but if you tend not to frequent these outlets looking for gems such as this, keep an eye in the Works, as they often have it for 5p. No word of a lie, the Works sell DVDs with 2 movies on them for 10p!!

Ninja The Protector is a watchable ninja flick. However, The Ninja Protector isn't a great ninja flick, its plot is just crappy. Let's begin with the fact that most of its ninjas are white, even though that some are Chinese. Its plot was a combination of exploitation, ninja action and a crappy drama, I know that it sounds cheesy and fun, but it's not that great. Actually, The Ninja Protector has boring scenes whereas the some of its fights save it. The ninjas are mostly white as I said above, but they have some interesting swords and daggers. Its plot is so awful that I won't even write about it, However, its soundtrack is actually cheesy and fun. Morever, its soundtrack is maybe the best part in this silly film, it is heard after and during the cheesy fights. In a nutshell, The Ninja Protector isn't very recommended, unless you really like ninja movies. 4/10

The late-80s/early-90s was the golden era of the action hero: Sly and Arnie were tops at the box office, whilst second-tier stars like Chuck, Dolph, Van Damme and Seagal cleaned up on VHS. Even Speakman and Dudikoff became recognisable names, not just amongst die-hard fans of fight flicks, but with normal folk who arrived too late at the video shop to rent out the newest releases but didn't want to go home empty handed.

Richard Harrison, on the other hand, is a name that will probably only be familiar to those who weren't afraid to delve into the darkest depths of the dreaded bottom shelf (reserved for only the lowest budgeted Z-grade garbage). Sporting an ultra-macho Selleck-style 'tache and often seen clad from head to toe in a crap camouflage suit, Harrison was the star of many a Ninja film from legendary director Godfrey Ho, who would cobble his films together with little regard for logic or narrative cohesion.

Ninja Protector is a fairly unexceptional example of such a movie: the plot is typically all over the place, the result of Harrison's Ninja footage having been clumsily spliced together with an old Hong Kong film; ninjas materialise out of nowhere to do battle with each other, resulting in the usual frenetic sword-based martial arts mayhem; and the action is regularly punctuated by soft-core sex scenes featuring a selection of nubile Asian honeys. Those familiar with this type of junk may find it mildly entertaining for the duration, but the film sadly lacks any of the truly bizarre stuff that occasionally qualifies such ninja nonsense as unmissable.