Beach Babes from Beyond

And I'm all for a sci-fi sex comedy.

The boobs are fake, there are these interminable beach dance sequences, and... it's got Joe Estevez. Worst of all, nothing about this movie is funny. At all. Oh man, then they wedge in all these horrible songs (I couldn't find any music credits, probably intentional).

I watched the "uncut" version, running a whole 79 minutes (and I did a lot of clock watching). Everything about Beach Babes From Beyond is gratuitous, and carries on entirely too long. So it really makes me wonder, where does the censorship begin and end, and how much is too much? It is a short movie, full of excess.

I loved the opening credits sequence. Fully naked chick in the shower, for as long it takes the credits to roll. Some nice outfits and bikinis, and that's all I got. Plot is asinine, sub plots come out of nowhere.

I dunno, try Space Babes From Outer Space. That is a genuinely good time, the plot is funny (and is an excuse to include sex), and there are fetching ladies in foxy outfits, as well as various states of undress. Likely done on a fraction of the budget this one had.

Patrick Swayze's BROTHER??? Charlie Sheen's UNCLE??? Sylvester Stallone's MOTHER??? John Travolta's BROTHER??? Batman's SIDEKICK??? What's not to love? All we need is Clint Howard, LaToya Jackson, and Ron Reagan to make it perfect.

What a cast this movie has! Estevez! Stallone! Swayze! Travolta! Especially surprising given this is a micro budget beach movie. Oh wait...wait...my researchers have just handed me a piece of paper - the actual cast is Joe Estevez, Jackie Stallone, Don Swayze and Joey Travolta....does that still count? Linnea Quigley's in in as well, does that make up for this? Well, I'll let you decide. Its about a trio of alien babes who arrive on a Californian beach and a whole bunch of barely interesting things follow. Its also worth mentioning that this one also features a knuckle-headed beach band who play a song called 'I've Got a Woody'.

Three bubble brained space bimbos decide to visit Earth. They do so by crash-landing their spaceship in California, where they meet three surfer dudes, who for once, aren't totally unlikeable.

All this... action is interspersed with typical boring softcore sex scenes. These scenes could have been borrowed from any other '90s softcore flick and you wouldn't even notice. Some of them don't even seem to feature any of the characters, just random b-actors, ie. out of work male fitness models, and women with breasts that look like they're made out of plaster.

At least with softcore flicks like this one, I know I can stop paying attention during the sex scenes without missing anything, because they always go on a while.

One of the space-babes proves her extraterrestrial origins by pulling a net off her unconvincing 'spaceship', convincing the surfer dude instantly. The dude apparently didn't notice this large vehicle was right there on his right - surprising, considering the net the bimbo pulls off of it is nowhere near large enough to keep it concealed; there is no possible way he couldn't have noticed it.

Linnea Quigley is also in there, as a lady who knows a photographer and hangs around a mansion. She ties one of the girls up, for some reason.

I guess it wouldn't be a b-movie set on the beach without a musical number that just goes on forever. This might be a rarity in that the band is made up of bikini babes as well, indistinguishable from the ones dancing on stage. The awful song drones on for what seems like forever, but there is surprise nudity at the end.

"Beach Babes from Beyond" was directed by David DeCoteau, a b-movie maven who produced a bunch of enjoyable exploitation flicks in the '80s before turning his hand to increasingly homoerotic, mass profuced fair in the new millennium. He is now famous for the awfulness of his contemporary material - which makes "Beach Babes" look capable by comparison - and the fact that all of his movies feature young men in their underwear.

"Beach Babes" is unfortunately not even one of the better of his early period. Perhaps, when this was produced, his best years were already behind him, but he hadn't found a market for his homoerotica yet.

Watched this for the funny casting. I did chuckle quite a bit at the thought of the advertising posters for this clunker. Stallone, Swayze, Travolta, Estevez!

However, the film is terrible. It consists of a handful of scenes, some of which are stretched out to 10+ minutes. Take away the soft-porn sex scenes and 'extras dancing at a beach party' scenes, and you're left with about 15 minutes of film.

Estevez is actually not too bad as the beach bum uncle. The rest of the cast were awful.