Beware: Children at Play

OK, I love horror, I live horror, I write horror and make money at it too, and I'm easy to please . . . but, *Beware! Children at Play* is laughable and downright ridiculous. And, maybe, just maybe, that's what makes it so fun to watch, if anything else.

Talk about wooden acting, this has it twofold. But heck, would you buy a film titled *Beware! Children at Play*, by TROMA INC. nonetheless, and honestly trust to see Academy Award winning performances? I hope not. However, these are REALLY bad.

The main character has the voice of Terry `Hollywood Hulk' Hogan, as well as his acting capacity. And the whole plot premise is totally unbelievable. The police protocol, as it is portrayed in this movie, is bogus . . . not real life by any stretch of the imagination. The scene where the little girl is taken from her back yard and the way in which it is handled made me feel stupid just sitting there watching. So silly that it gives fiction a whole new meaning. Some of the dialogue is up to par, though. The ending isn't all that great as some of the reviewers would have you believe-typical TROMA gore-splatter effects. I think with a camcorder, friends, neighbors, and a few thousand dollars, I could make *Beware! Children at Play: Part 2*. Actually, I know I could.

I'm sure it goes without saying, that this film is good if you know what kind of B-movie trash is to be found here before you give 90 MIN. of your life to it, and were intentionally seeking this type of entertainment. In fact, I'm sure this would be killer kewl to watch if I was a fifth or sixth grader, or possibly still a junior high schooler. If I were fourteen again, I'd probably be watching it with friends on the weekend, playing PlayStation or XBOX, eating pizza, and having a great time. Actually at thirty I still do this, but that's beside the point.

Bottom line I guess is: *Beware! Children at Play* sucks, sucks, sucks . . . and I bought it on VHS.

The movie starts out with a boy and his father camping in the woods. The father gets caught in a trap, they cannot get help, and the boy ends up showing his cannibalistic tastes by attacking his father. As the boy grows he kidnaps children and they form a type-of cannibal cult. And then... well just watch. The film has some great (cheesy) special effects. And the end will definitely make you love this movie. Trust me, if you think the beginning is boring, just sit in till the end.

When I was still in high school, my friend called me up and told me to rent this movie. I believe his exact words were, "You will want to kill yourself this movie is so bad... but the last five minutes make up for the suckiness of the entire movie up to that point." And he was right.

The Movie is TERRIBLE. You know those kinds of movies that are so bad that they're good, in a funny kind of way? Well, this one is like that, except it's so bad that it passes right by funny and is almost impossible to get through.

But then there's the last five minutes. I've never been so happy to see a lot of people die, and I was laughing my ass off the entire time. It should be noted, however, that I had been drinking as a way of coping with the movie thus far, and therefore, it is possible that my impressions of the ending were slightly skewed. But that did not stop me from recommending the movie to all my friends, if only to make them sit through what I had to sit through.

If you liked "In the woods" or the 1st version of "The hitchhiker's guide" then you should have a ball with this one. However, seeing as how I've never met anyone who actually DID like the 1st version of "the hitchhiker's guide"...

Mike Cribben's cult favourite Beware: Children at Play is one of the most demented films ever to be picked up by Troma. The film deserves praise for fearlessly breaking one of the last taboos in horror and most impressively, doing so in an entertaining manner. Beware: Children at Play really is a taste free zone. For that achievement alone, the film is an absolute must see.

Lloyd Kaufman's introduction to the film begins with an anecdote recounting how a preview for Beware: Children at Play successfully emptied a theatre at the Cannes film festival. I'm sure the reaction would have been one of rapturous applause if the audience had seen the film in its entirety, because within the context of the "plot", the slaughtering of the demon children really does provide great entertainment. I know that sounds abominable but when a film's plot revolves around wild cannibalistic children who believe they are characters from Beowulf, I would say that just about anything goes.

The film begins slowly and somewhat painfully due to the extended dialogues about "cleavages" (I didn't even know there was a plural form of the word) and supernatural phenomenon. Before too long, John has joined Ross in his search for a group of missing children. These children really need a visit from Super Nanny because they spend their time cutting people in half with sickles and impaling trespassers on wooden stakes. The fact that children are depicted eating body organs would be tasteless enough for most directors, but to Cribben's credit he raises the bar by throwing a rape scene and a handful of religious fanatics into the mix. The film momentarily goes astray while our incredibly stupid heroes go to the library and read Beowulf, in order to get into the mind of the ringleader, who believes he is the cannibalistic monster, Grendel.

Thankfully, Beware: Children at Play gets back on track for the infamous child killing marathon. This sequence is remarkable in its complete and utter shamelessness. Kiddies get decapitated, stabbed, shot and killed with pitchforks. It is all so very wrong but when presented in this context, with the campy production values and incredibly unrealistic effects, the scene comes across as a stroke of genius. However, I think the picture gallery of slaughtered children on the Troma DVD is a bit foul even by my degenerate standards. That said, I'm glad that Troma once again has the balls to put this kind of material out on the market.

Beware: Children at Play is definitely not for everyone. However, fans of Troma and tastelessness in general will have a grand old time watching this shocker. I give this film full marks for having the backbone to completely smash one of cinema's biggest taboos and for being entertaining while doing so.

BEWARE: CHILDREN AT PLAY opens with a father and his young son on a camping trip in the wilds of New Jersey. Tragically, their bonding is interrupted by cannibalism.

Ten years later, a family is visiting a friend whose daughter has vanished, unaware that a dozen children have recently gone missing. This is all happening near the very woods where a feral teenager resides. Where have all the children gone, and who is committing the blood-splashing murders in the area? Is a local religious cult involved?

Cheap, and clumsier than a three-legged hippopotamus, B:CAP plods along, trying to be terrifying, betrayed at every turn by static filming, robotic "acting", and dismal dialogue. The "grandpa's-playing-with-the-synthesizer-again" musical score doesn't help. At all.

As for the "creepy" kids, they're hysterical! It's as though they were gathered together moments before filming, told what their lines and actions were to be, then told to "act". The result is a glorious mess! Watching them kill someone, is like watching ants crawling on a discarded candy wrapper. Of course, these tots are no worse than their adult counterparts, who recite lines that appear foreign to them!

Alas, this could have been an uber-schlock masterwork, if not for the terminal dullness factor. This is basically a nap, interrupted by a few gore scenes.

Beware, indeed!...