Howling: New Moon Rising

You know how veterans respond when you ask them what the war was like, and they respond "I don't want to talk about it." Well, that's the best I can come up with for describing this movie. "I don't want to talk about this movie." I hate this movie. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I have watched some of the WORST movies known to mankind, and this one comes in second place. I have seen a movie called Robo C.H.I.C. I have seen The Cars that Ate Paris, I have seen Hobgoblins, I have seen Ghoulies IV, I have seen Trolls II (ouch, that one was bad) but only Hobgoblins actually compares to the pain I felt watching this movie. I don't... I don't want to talk about this any more. Please... leave me alone to throw up in peace. Watch this movie if you want, but be warned, I didn't encourage you, and don't bother renting it in Greensboro, N.C. because the tape is not coming back in proper working order. It's coming back in pieces. Many many pieces.

This movie once held a prominent position in the Bottom 100. How it ever got off the list is one of the great mysteries of the universe. Howling: New Moon Rising single-handedly redefines bad low-budget horror movies, and has all the requirements for being the worst horror sequel ever made:

1. No werewolf.

2. Old-school barroom jokes served up as original humor.

3. Small-town inhabitants playing themselves.

4. No werewolf.

5. Hopelessly outdated, overlong, and plot-halting line dance sequences.

6. Pappy sings.

7. Still no werewolf.

8. The most ridiculous 'plot twist' in the history of cinema.

9. Police chief: "Can we continue this tomorrow? This is all just too much information for me to take in all at once."

10. Red-tinted POV shots that's supposed to be a werewolf.

11. Written by, directed by, produced by, and starring Clive Turner.

12. "Hey Pappy - there's dirt in your chili!"

13. A two-line program command that produces the final CGI 'transformation' into the fakest-looking werewolf I've ever seen.

This movie was so painful to watch. No wonder they didn't make any more Howling sequels after this one. 1/10

I recommend this to bad movie fanatics, with a word of caution: this movie is painfully dull just as often as it is funny. Parts of it are very slow, and the director/writer had to know this was bad (whereas there is something far more sacred about bad movies being born of genuine ambition).

Now and then somebody gets killed by a werewolf. There are lots of filler scenes of people sitting in a country-western bar, singing and telling the occasional dumb joke. It's all so loosely constructed that many of the extras were likely unaware that this was supposed to be about a werewolf. None of the actors are trying, except for the bearded priest. His acting is not good, but he takes his role seriously. Why? Perhaps he's just a total non-conformist. I don't know.

These are not real actors, most of them use their real names for the characters. It was all filmed in one or two towns. Since all the "actors" know each other, it's safe to assume that there are plenty of inside jokes in the script. For example, there is a farting scene where several guys run out of the bar, hands waving in front of noses. They are followed by a big guy smiling and eating a plate of chili. I'm sure it's no accident that this particular individual was chosen to play the farter. He must have a real life reputation for gas and therefore people in the neighborhood will find this more amusing than outsiders would. So if I knew these people I'm sure my familiarity with everybody would add more charm to the movie, bumping my vote up from a 1 to a 3.

As others have mentioned, it is stunning that New Line Cinemas is associated with this. Almost makes you wonder if somebody blackmailed top execs into supporting it. In short, a very bad film. Worth checking out once, but use the buddy system- don't watch it alone.

Howling VII cannot easily be classified into any genre, and that's what makes it so great. like the works of thomas pynchon, william gaddis, and david foster wallace, clive turner (the writer, producer, director, and star) uses a plethura of art forms and techniques and splices them together into a seemingly meaningless cacophany of pure postmodernism that, when dissected, reveals an underlying theme that examines the chaos that surrounds us in our media obsessed country.

he sarcastically makes fun of a myriad of movie forms: the werewolf flick, the rip snortin' country movie, and the comedy film, all while keeping an amazing straight face (i'm still attempting to comprehend the coyotes that jump out of trees and night line/ enigma).

clive turner is pressing his theory of modern america in our face, and we can do nothing but try and understand his points: we are constantly surrounded by all these stories, all these lifes, and all these various art cliches, and we have become them. we have become the horror flick. we have become pappy and harriet. we have become pioneer town. we have become the chili with the dirt in it and the only thing we can do to make ourselves clean is to laugh at our meaninglessness.

the werewolf is a symbol for our discontentment with commercial america, and when cheryl transforms, our anger at our worthless situation comes out of our pores like cold sweat.

this is an amazing movie. watch it and try and understand the point it is making about our pointless world. we keep our insecurities inside until they all come out in a violent rage. watch mr. turner's masterpiece today, if possible.

If the wooden acting doesn't churn your stomach, the insipid country music will. TRUST ME, this movie goes beyond stupid, into entirely NEW realms of awfulness. Clive Turner, who had roles in Howlings 4 and 5 takes over as Director, Producer, and the lead role of "Ted". Ted is - guess what - a werewolf, who is Australian(??) and likes George Jones. The only decent performance in this crapfest is Jack Huff as Father John, a werewolf hunting priest. The movie makes a half-hearted attempt to connect with previous Howlings, but there is really no plot to speak of. Halfway through, the movie actually degrades to the point of making farting jokes. The ending (if you can make it that far) is the rotten icing on the top of this putrid cake. Do not watch this movie even if you are offered money. I'm sorry I did.