Killer Barbys

People who say this is the worst Jess franco movie obviously haven't seen too many Jess Franco movies. This has the same liabilities of many Franco flicks--the story is formulaic, the budget is non-existent, the film-making is borderline incompetent, the acting is terrible and the English dubbing is even worse. This movie is basically an extended promo for "the Killer Barbies", a less-talented, Spanish version of The Cramps with a sexy female lead singer, "Sylvia Superstar", who makes Britney Spears appear conservatively dressed by comparison. Fortunately, their music is a lot better than Britney Spears'. Unfortunately, it seems to consist of only two songs that they play over and over again, first in a live concert, then on the tape deck of their Scooby Doo-style tour van, and then non-diegetically on the soundtrack.

After their van breaks down in the remote countryside, the band members take refuge in a creepy old castle (except for one couple who remain in the van to have sex for a ridiculously long time, before getting chased naked through the woods and summarily slaughtered). The surviving Barbies prove pretty tepid heroes actually, but the villains are pretty good--they include long-time character actor Aldo Sambrell, actor/producer Santiago Segura (unknown in America, but a cult figure today in Spain) and two creepy-ass midgets. Most impressive though is the infamous Mariangela Giordano as a Countess Bathory type who needs the blood of. . . well, obviously not virgins, but young people, in order to restore her own youth. Giordano has a very long, blood-soaked, butt-naked nude scene, which is pretty damn impressive considering she was almost 60 at the time! Of course, if you're watching this to "flip one off the wrist" as it were, you might not want to witness an actress a few years shy of collecting a pension in the altogether (no matter how good she still looks), but this kind of polymorphous perversity is what I find most interesting about Franco. Maybe it isn't very sexy, but it's a lot more interesting than watching your usual silicone-enhanced bimbos going through the motions of tediously choreographed softcore sex scenes. Call me crazy.

"Sylvia Superstar" also has brief nude scenes (which is more than you'll get from a Britney Spear's movie and you'll suffer a lot less for the privilege). Ditto with the ridiculously horny female back-up singer (at least before she is regrettably "decapitated" and replaced with what is obviously a headless department store mannequin). The special effects are laughable as usual. This is hardly "the most violent Jess Franco movie" as is claimed in the intro, but it's far from the worst one either

Jesús Franco's late work Killer Barbys is a mixed bag to me - it got some real good fun gore and horror scenes and some schlocky, sexy fun too, but there are, sadly, some rather lengthy and boring parts too, that weaken the experience rather considerably. Anyway, Killer Barbys is still recommendable to the die-hard connoisseur of Jesús Franco's oeuvre, who just craves for new junk food, but if you are new to his work I would recommend rather other movies to enter the maestro's wonderland of trash, cheese and schlock: Count Dracula, Vampyros Lesbos, Bloody Moon, and Venus in Furs are good movies to begin your journey. Exact rate: 3.5.

The Legendary Spanish director Jess Franco is known for some fantastic cinema, alas this certainly isn't among them and will be a blotch on his record.

It follows a female fronted rock band as they break down on route to their next gig and get invited into a foreboding looking castle for the night.

Essentially our antagonist is a blatant ripoff of the Countess Elizabeth Báthory with a couple of human minions who help her acquire the blood of the young (Virgins not required in this instance)

Though advertised as a horror this is a very camp attempt and more like a comedy. One character in particular played by Santiago Segura (Blade 1998) is so over the top and so zany any hope of the film being taken seriously went out the window.

The movie has a decent lead and memorable soundtrack though they really should have considered writing more songs and not playing the same one on a loop.

The Good:

Great leading lady

The Bad:

Looks very dated

Not exactly a horror

Soundtrack gets repetitive

Dumbest ending in cinema history? Definite contender

Things I Learnt From This Movie:

Before throwing a naked woman out a window to her death it's only polite to put a nightie on her first

In KILLER BARBYS, the rock band of the same name -led by Flavia (Sylvia Superstar)- happen upon a remote castle after their vehicle breaks down.

Said castle is the home of an ancient Countess (Mariangela Giordano) who happens to be a vampire, and she's very thirsty! It's not long before our heroes are being killed off by The Countess' henchman and his eeevil dwarfs!

KILLER BARBYS is another wonky, erotic spook-fest from Director Jess Franco. It contains the requisite gore, nudity, and a semi-cohesive story line.

EXTRA POINTS FOR: The Countess! She's hot, ruthless, and downright animalistic!

Gorehounds will want to stick around for the death-by-steamroller denouement...

This is not a completely horrible movie but it still is one that is about nothing really and all of its events lead to nowhere, making this one pointless and extremely forgettable movie to watch.

I really think that Jesus Franco is one of the worst directors of all time. But fair is fair, this movie is not half as bad as most of the other stuff he has done over the decades. Oneliners like 'worst movie ever!', 'completely unwatchable' or 'uttertrash' really don't apply to this movie.

But obviously this movie is not a great one either. It's not just a problem that the movie it's story is about nothing but it's more so a problem that the the storytelling is lacking focus. There is not really one clear main character and everything seems to happen at random. So the one moment we are having a killing, the other a sex scene and then there is a midget popping up as well every now and then. Why? Just because they could! It's not like any of it is really serving a purpose for its story. Focus Jesus Franco, focus!

Like you could expect from a trashy Jesus Franco movie, there is plenty of nudity in it, as well as sex sequences. Problem I always have with these moments in basically every Jesus Franco movie is that they serve absolutely no purpose and all and it always makes me think that they are only put in the movie to please Jesus Franco himself and to live his own fantasies. Even now, while he is in his 80's, he's still doing this sort of stuff.

The gimmick of this movie is that it stars a Spanish punk rock band in it, called "Killer Barbies" who are basically playing themselves but they were forced to change the title for this movie for the obvious reason. Don't really know the reasons for the band members to appear in this particular movie, since it doesn't seem like the most logical thing to boost your career with, especially not when Jesus Franco is at the helm of it all. But apparently they all had a good time, since they actually made a sequel to this movie, 6 years later, called "Killer Barbys vs. Dracula".

But besides this gimmick, it's a real run of the mill movie from Jesus Franco, that got made in 1996 but actually feels like the sort of stuff he used to make in the '70's and '80's already. Even seems to me they are still using the same sound effects as well, as well as all of the same gore effects and tricks. And they still believe they can shoot night sequences during the day time and think they can get away with it. This is seriously often one of the most distracting things about any low-budget horror production.

Perhaps not as bad as its current reputation and also far from the worst thing Jesus Franco has ever done but it clearly isn't a very good movie either.

4/10

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