Killer Tongue

"...OK...I have an idea for this movie, OK? This really sexy chick is waiting at a middle of nowhere desert house for her man to be released from a prison where this gay overseer is giving him a really "hard" time, get it? OK...anyhow, this sexy chick sits down to eat some soup, and a chunk of METEORITE falls into it from the sky! Great, huh? But wait, I'm just starting...she turns into this freaky, but even sexier sort of monster...and her TONGUE DEVELOPS A LIFE OF IT'S OWN! It talks kinda like Harvey Firestein, see, and has a real sorta nasty disposition, always wisecracking and all...and it eats people!! Sound good? Wait, there's more! Her dogs turn into flamin' gay drag queens! Hahaaa! So....that's my idea, in a nutshell, and it's sure fire! Now, all I need from you guys is about five grand to get it from the drawing board to the screen...."

This movie right off is not one of the most bizarre or even gory films which I have seen. The movie tries too hard to come across as both. I usually disregard plot and characters in these films because it always makes things confusing. The plot in KILLER TONGUE at the begininng is terribly confusing. The film is by no means bad. Actually I enjoyed the movie.

Maybe I set my self up for a fall by believing the mini-hype around 'The Killer Tongue', but whatever the reason I found this movie for the most part to be tedious, and generally unfunny. It's equal parts early Almodovar and Peter Jackson without being as inventive or entertaining as either. It also reminded me in places of the underrated 'Accion Mutante', another zany Spanish sci fi comedy, though it was nowhere near as good. The premise of this movie is promising but the execution fails to realize its comic and surreal potential. Melinda Clarke ('Spawn') shows a lot more screen appeal than the mundane script she has to work with, and is easily the best thing about this. Genre fans will also get a kick out of seeing "Freddy" (Robert Englund) and "Pinhead" (Doug Bradley). Personally I was more chuffed to see Eddie Tudor-Pole, a guy who knows the answer to "Who Killed Bambi?".

This was Alberto Sciamma's first film, and it won him a Best Director award at the Fantafestival. I don't know what he was aiming for, but he hit something.

While her boyfriend (Jason Durr) is in the cooler, Candy (Melinda Clarke) hides out in a nunnery. Not your ordinary nunnery, but one that runs a gas station in the New Mexico desert.

After some alien magic, Candy grows a long tongue and her poodles are turned into flamboyant drag queens (one is Jonathan Rhys Meyers). This are certainly getting interesting because this isn't just a long tongue, it's a killer tongue. It craves meat! While Candy is getting used to her new tongue, her boyfriend is being tortured by none other than Robert Englund, who is the Chief Guard at the jail.

The nuns don't go away from the story after Candy leaves. One (Mapi Galán) is wandering the desert and comes on some alien rock that gives her healing powers, and another has been transformed by the transvestites.

The huge tongue - we are talking 6+ feet here - transforms and talks! Candy tries to commit suicide, but the tongue heals her just like the nun in the desert heals her boyfriend.

That nun was doing some special healing to Johnny later on, and they barely escaped with their lives after Candy caught them.

Anyway, Candy finds out that a six foot tongue can do things that Johnny can't.

This is one strange movie. It would have been more interesting if the only nudity wasn't two men's butts.

Here's a horror version of PRISCILLA: QUEEN OF THE DESERT (they wish!) starring Melinda/Mindy (RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 3) Clarke as Candy, a desert dweller who pulls off a bank heist with boyfriend Johnny (Jason Durr). He ends up in a South-of-the-border prison run by the sadistic Chief Screw (an overacting Robert Englund in a toupee). She and her beloved pet poodles end up in hiding at a gas station convent until they're transformed by a newly fallen meteor. The dogs turn into obnoxious drag queen "bitches" and Candy develops a VERY long, talking, killing forked tongue she can't control. Thugs looking for the stolen loot and other assorted numbskulls add extra complications.

First off, Clarke is fantastic and makes what there is to make of this movie. You watch her and see someone very funny during the slapstick scenes, very convincing during the horror scenes and VERY sexy in various wigs and disguises, including an eye-popping, skin tight latex bodysuit...and wonder how come this actress isn't a huge star. It's too bad the rest of this cult attempt doesn't live up to her promise.

Blame director/scripter Sciamma, who thinks the outlandish premise alone is enough to sustain laughs...but his vulgar gags, annoying supporting characters and stupid dialogue are no substitute for a real sense of humor. Another nail in the coffin; the film looks cheap, lots of garish colors and sets are strangely muted by muddy photography and the dusty desert locales. Luckily for Sciamma that Clarke is in his film, because she alone keeps you watching.