Kiss & Tell

Imaginative but poorly written film noir style farce about Los Angeles detectives attempting to solve murders with multiple references to small mammals in the family "Leporidae" of the order "Lagomorpha" (insert "rabbits" here). It's not "Brewster McCloud" or the Coen Brothers, but it would loosely fit into their genre or at least it appears to have been so intended. Unfortunately the farce qualities fall victim to the flat cheapness of its "Legend of Billie Jean" (1985) production style.

The editing is perhaps the worst you will ever find although that could simply be a reflection of the limitations of the footage the editor had to assemble.

My guess is that the Arquette family talked someone into giving them $300,000 in exchange for being allowed close access to an assortment of hot actresses during the filming. The actresses appear to have been sedated for this purpose, drifting between the producer's trailer and the filming like a bunch of freshman girls who have been sampling the roofie-laced punch at their first fraternity party. I doubt if the cast was paid as nobody takes off their top.

A young Rose McGowan looks great in tight red leather pants (see poster) but appears on the verge of falling asleep at any moment. Heather Graham is equally sleepy but dully costumed. Pamela Gidley has a great time playing a character named Beta Carotene; she appears to be the only one fully awake, perhaps high on Vitamin A. The Arquettes listlessly interact with these three name actresses along with an assortment of aspiring actresses whose careers were obviously not advanced by this production.

Then again, what do I know? I'm only a child.

Quite possibly the worst movie I have ever endured. It felt and looked like a film studies class project, except for the number of recognizable actors. A wasted group of talent. I can't say anything other than that is an hour-and-a-half of my life that I will never get back.

I'm sure this is a movie. I think it's more like a loose collection of scenes with no plot, no script and bad lighting.

The direction is horrible, the acting is wooden and the editing seems to have been done by someone with ADD. The plot, such as it is, consists of the LAPD hunting down a serial killer who murders their victims by jamming a carrot up their rear-ends.

Don't waste your time with this horrible, horrible film, unless you have a fetish for watching horrible, horrible films.

Here's a list of things I would rather have been doing instead of watching this film:

Hanging myself from the rafters with a shoelace. Having my eyes gouged out with a spoon. Watching "Battlefield Earth."

Oh my God, is this film awful.

You may get a good laugh from watching "Kiss and Tell," but it won't be from stale, typical jokes. The humor in this indie flick is of a different breed than most comedies. The film was made on a less-than-shoestring budget, but it doesn't need special effects or an expensive soundstage set to work. Teresa Hill and Pamela Gidley give standout performances. I highly recommend this DVD. Treat yourself to something different.

Although the main idea of this film seems to boil down to a relatively ordinary story about how, if I haven't lost count, three somewhat detached detectives investigate a complicated and, let's say, rather strange murder in the vastness of Los Angeles, from the very first minutes the viewer is clearly given to understand that it will definitely not do without a lot of eccentric performances, as well as art-house elements. At this point, viewers unprepared for such a turn of events should not even start watching, while everyone else involved is left to dive into the local abyss at their own peril and risk. There will be a sufficient number of unusual characters in the wide circle of suspects - there will be a young lady who is attracted to everyone she meets, who has not yet decided on her own orientation, who condemns her for such behavior, who dances with or without reason, a friend in the person of Heather Graham, there will be a club of anonymous maniacs and an unbalanced, long-haired shady businessman, as well as two subjects of the opposite sex, who dress in all orange, one - a bald-headed person who loves lollipops, the other - a person who walks around in almost only underwear, paints her lips purple and calls herself "Beta-carotene".

The narrative is not inferior to the characters and is built on the principle of a patchwork quilt. There is a sluggish synopsis of the main plot somewhere in the background, and on top of it there are short stories of numerous people involved, between whom there is a constant jumping back and forth, and the further you go, the more incendiary and bizarre the local antics become, and the epilogue promises to leave more questions than answers. In a word - form prevails over content.

How several fairly and relatively famous actors and actresses, including Rose McGowan, could get into a project of this kind is a mystery. What the director wanted to say, how and whether he wanted to, is a mystery of an even greater scale. The average viewer will not appreciate it. Fans of extravagant performances and philosophers bored with the usual presentation - perhaps.