Soccer Dog: The Movie

I have to say that I found this movie utterly bizarre, I don't know what I was expecting but so much of this movie is just unforgivable, largely down to the script. The film's tone is all over the place, it's packed with lazy cliches and stereotypes, at times the movie is confusing, at other times it's just pure nonsense. The main father character is just not interesting, nor is it any fun watching him at his work. The jokes are badly delivered and the plot is just impossible to follow as we have little to no idea what it's about. I really was baffled by this. The narration is also a sign that the film is struggling to tell its story visually.

THE worst movie I've ever seen, and I've seen allot. Acting is horrible, plot is awful, idea is terrible, and no research was done what's so ever! Ok, I admit, `Air Bud' was a pretty good movie, but not `Soccer Dog'. This "dog" is smaller than my cat! How can he possibly play soccer? Even for 10 years old kids it won't be a problem to kick the ball hard enough to brake the stupid dog in half! It's horrible, don't watch this movie.

This stinker is in mystifyingly frequent rotation on one channel here, and I've found myself watching in horror again and again. The script is like something one would come up with friends over several too many drinks, and the production values match admirably.

It's meant to be a children's movie, but features a grotesque (and poorly explained) kidnapping scene; the star dog has a lack of star quality equaled only by the other actors; and it in general has the look of being filmed in someone's backyard (the climactic soccer game features no more than three dozen extras sadly cheering in the background).

It even all wraps up with a budget-ran-out voice-over sequence when the story, to one's relief, simply stops. The high-raters here must be either the producers - or the majority of the extras from the soccer game!

Loving couple adopt an orphan from a local orphanage. Alden tries to bond with his son by getting him involved in a local soccer team. However the team is poorly coached and can't win any games. When Clay's dog turns out to be a natural player he is put in the first team (at the expense of Clay) causing rifts in the team. With the team on a great cup run and the town gone Lincoln mad everything seems fine. However Clay feels neglected and a dog catcher seeks to catch Lincoln who have previously escaped him.

It's not a great premise at all, but with enough tongue in cheek humour this could have been pretty funny. The story is rubbish and the core of it is dull. The main bit relates to tension between Clay and his dad, and a rivalry between Clay and another team. Both these bits are dull and nothing new. However what is enjoyable is the occasional streak of adult jokes that come up.

The film's comedy come from the characters that represent various films. We have the mobster type father (just like Paulie from Goodfellas), we have the coach of one of the teams who rips off the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket, we have one of the players who talks like Vince Vaughn in Swingers – and we have a familiar face from Blazing Saddles and a referee who looks like Tony Blair! We also have a few scenes that spoof other films – the best being Ransom – but most of it isn't very good.

Foley is OK as Clay but Marshall is dull as the dad. McMurray is funny as the coach and the various film spoof characters are pretty funny. However the main characters are dull and Billy Drago has nothing to do and doesn't carry much menace. The scenes of the dog playing football are daft too, and not well done – the dog either follows a ball that is obviously being dragged in front of it or they use an absurd computer generated ball instead.

Overall this has plenty of funny characters but the core is really dull making this worth watching once, but don't expect it to be that good.

This near-masterpiece contains some of the most intense football-scenes ever filmed. Backed up by some bone-breaking cinematography, the skills displayed by the actors, and certainly the dog itself, are right up there with the stuff Stallone gave us in "Victory" (1981). There are some pretty hard shots in this movie, if you take my meaning.

The humour... Well, it's lovely. I'll admit that the razor-sharp dialogue caught me off-guard at a couple of occasions, and that's what this movie is all about: Cutting the edge on as many levels as possible.

"He's fast, and he can score goals."