The Ironbound Vampire

Just watched Ironbound Vampire, in my continuing search for the absolute worst movie, and this is a contender. I would be less harsh if I knew that it was somebody's class project, with relatives and friends participating; i. e., not professionals but amateurs. The story: a soldier's WWI wounds are a feast for a vampire, which causes the military man to become an undead. Thereafter, the recruit settles in the Ironbound section of Newark, NJ, and is responsible for many of that area's unsolved murders and missing persons since then. Among the characters to whom we are introduced during the film are a detective, who writes a book about these events; and a doctor, who helps capture the never-aging bloodsucker. Gore is almost nil. Make-up is Halloweenish. Effects are not special. Watch this flick only to realize that anybody with a camera could do just as well - probably better.

the storyline created by the director is imaginatively transferred, under the restraints of a low budget, he succeeds in bringing his artistic expression onto the screen that of the soulless world of vampires that inhabit the new jersey area. a slightly surreal atmosphere that transcends nicely! considering the budgetary limitations, one can only wonder what this talented director, could express with say a twenty million dollar budget?

Apparently inspired by the work of hack director Ed Wood, THE IRONBOUND VAMPIRE traces the confusing history of Tom Kane (Richard Matyskiel), a World War I casualty who returns to Newark (N. J.) from Europe as a vampire. Kane becomes a celebrated writer in the 1990s. At a book signing party, an aging guest (ex-Wood ingenue Dolores Fuller) remarks how he never grows old. Kane's butler (Conrad Brooks, another Wood crony) makes jokes about the bottled human blood he serves to guests ("It's Portuguese wine").

Meanwhile, ex-cop Eric Steel hovers over an electric typewriter, writing a book about Kane as his unseen daughter narrates the disjointed plot. After almost an hour of dramatic chaos, which is regularly interrupted by unrelated near-porn lesbian lovemaking and striptease sequences, Steel joins forces with Kane's daughter to defeat the vampire.

Shot on home video equipment in blurry auto-focus mode, THE IRONBOUND VAMPIRE features a vampire club, an off-screen decapitation, and some pretty Newark girls. The acting and technical credits are sub-par even for a Wood homage.

Let's give it its due. There is some nice amateur cinematography here. The story is interesting and much better than many horror stories. Unfortunately, the actors (who probably aren't actors) mumble their lines. There is little give and take or timing. There are a lot of street elements thrown in because I suspect the filmmakers know some of these people. Things unfold sort of slowly. Still, I was somewhat captured by the thing. I disagree that anyone with a camera could make this film. It's far from even a good film but I think the movie shows talent behind the camera. That's worth something. There are a few good isolated scenes as well.

THE IRONBOUND VAMPIRE is about a hippie vampire and his harem of toothy ghoul-fiends.

For such infinitesimally low budget fare, many allowances must be made. After such allowances, this is still an insufferable sack of head cheeeze! With no discernable direction or production, we might be expecting the sort of "film" that kids in the neighborhood might throw together, hoping for a night of giggles. Alas, there's nothing that enjoyable here.

Instead, we're treated to lifeless characters -not just the vampires either- roaming around aimlessly. Scenes jump about, making little to no sense. At all. Near the end, some girl-on-girl action is thrown in arbitrarily to no avail. It's just not enough to save this catastrophic event.

Yes, both Conrad Brooks and Dolores Fuller have cameos in this cinematic kidney stone...