The Ironbound Vampire

Apparently inspired by the work of hack director Ed Wood, THE IRONBOUND VAMPIRE traces the confusing history of Tom Kane (Richard Matyskiel), a World War I casualty who returns to Newark (N. J.) from Europe as a vampire. Kane becomes a celebrated writer in the 1990s. At a book signing party, an aging guest (ex-Wood ingenue Dolores Fuller) remarks how he never grows old. Kane's butler (Conrad Brooks, another Wood crony) makes jokes about the bottled human blood he serves to guests ("It's Portuguese wine").

Meanwhile, ex-cop Eric Steel hovers over an electric typewriter, writing a book about Kane as his unseen daughter narrates the disjointed plot. After almost an hour of dramatic chaos, which is regularly interrupted by unrelated near-porn lesbian lovemaking and striptease sequences, Steel joins forces with Kane's daughter to defeat the vampire.

Shot on home video equipment in blurry auto-focus mode, THE IRONBOUND VAMPIRE features a vampire club, an off-screen decapitation, and some pretty Newark girls. The acting and technical credits are sub-par even for a Wood homage.

This film begins with a New Jersey cop named "Detective Eric Steele" (Dennis Drenth) investigating a series of murders and disappearances in Newark that have happened over many years. He hopes to solve the cases and include the details in a book he's writing. His research starts with an American soldier from World War I named "Tom Lane" (Richard Matyskiel), who was severely wounded in battle but miraculously survived thanks to an unknown man who gave him some of his blood. However, it wasn't until he returned to the United States that the murders suddenly started-and they have continued to this day, with rumors that Tom Lane is still alive and looks the same as he did nearly 80 years ago. Now, rather than reveal any more, I will just say that this was a typical ultra-low-budget film that suffers from the same issues as many others, with wooden acting, poorly written scripts, and action scenes that clearly needed more work. That being said, although this was definitely not a good film by any stretch of the imagination, I appreciated the fact that the director (Karl Petry) made an honest effort and didn't abdicate his responsibilities by making a film that was "so bad it's good," as many lesser directors tend to do.

Any feature that has to pad out its barely hour length with unrelated bump'n'grind footage has really got problems. There's no pace, no acting, no talent, no interest. The vampire looks like a member of the 80s band Whitesnake. The cult appeal of cameo appearances by PLAN 9 actors Conrad Brooks and Dolores Fuller is totally wasted. This video feature is beyond bottom-of-the-barrel.

THE IRONBOUND VAMPIRE is about a hippie vampire and his harem of toothy ghoul-fiends.

For such infinitesimally low budget fare, many allowances must be made. After such allowances, this is still an insufferable sack of head cheeeze! With no discernable direction or production, we might be expecting the sort of "film" that kids in the neighborhood might throw together, hoping for a night of giggles. Alas, there's nothing that enjoyable here.

Instead, we're treated to lifeless characters -not just the vampires either- roaming around aimlessly. Scenes jump about, making little to no sense. At all. Near the end, some girl-on-girl action is thrown in arbitrarily to no avail. It's just not enough to save this catastrophic event.

Yes, both Conrad Brooks and Dolores Fuller have cameos in this cinematic kidney stone...

I just got this one on dvd and loved it.. With a lot of cool bonus stuff and a blooper reel that is to die for.. all i can say is "THE CHEESE THE CHEESE" BEST BLOOPER EVER..

As for the movie with it extended scenes was very well done. love the cast that was used for the days of old to the new actors and actress. Can't wait to see their new film "The Ghosts Of Angela Webb" on dvd. A true Ghost story of a haunted house in New Jersey..