X Marks the Spot

This short, introduced by New Jersey's Commissioner of Something-or-Other Arthur W. Magee (who talks a lot like Arthur Q. Bryan), was made during World War Two. That is very significant in that the plea for safe driving is connected to patriotism - the soporific and indeterminate commissioner makes this explicit by saying that poor driving hampers the productivity of war workers by rendering them dead. If you're dead, you probably won't punch in on time at the aircraft plant tomorrow.

After Joe Doakes (a name which was evidently the 1940's equivalent of Joe Sixpack) demonstrates is ineptitude behind the wheel in a series of comical vignettes, the mood shifts drastically as Mr. Doakes comes a cropper at a dangerous intersection. He is then escorted by his guardian angel (who wears an academic gown and a winged mortarboard!) to the place of judgment.

There a celestial judge, who may or may not be God, interrogates the angel on how well he did or didn't look after the hapless Mr. Doakes when he was out motoring. Incidentally, the courtroom seemed to specialize in handling cases of sins committed against the motor vehicle laws of the State of New Jersey. That must be a really huge courthouse!

The angel defends his actions in a series of flashbacks showing Mr. Doakes lumbering his way through wartime New Jersey, which looks arrestingly to me like Malden, Mass. in the 1960's, when I lived there as a very small child.

Having hectored the angel for his supposed incompetence, the judge turns his wrath on Mr. Doakes, who is just now realizing that he won't be home for dinner that evening. The judge then breaks the fourth wall, calling upon us, the motoring public, to pass judgment on Mr. Doakes.

Guilty or not guilty? The jury will now deliberate....

This short that precedes the film "King Dinosaur" on an episode of MST3K, is a public safety short on driving safely. This short starts off on the wrong foot as a commissioner for driving in Jersey or something tells us, the audience that driving kills potential workers. What? So instead of trying to tell how if you die you are going to leave behind grieving loved ones, you want to say that if you die, you will no longer be able to punch in and out for work and help with the military effort? So, suffice to say, this short is dreadfully dated as these days most of us would rather die behind the wheel than put up with another day on the job as most jobs in the U.S. these days are dreadfully pointless and just simply away to consume one's day and earn a paycheck. Well after the introduction by the emotionless commissioner, we are treated to a film where a horrible driver is finally killed and is sent to heaven for judgment. Not an expert of the bible, but I am pretty sure they never really covered driving...not even in the new testament. A guardian angel recounts the horrible driving his charge has done and we get to be bored by it. I figured when you went to heaven, you were going to be judged for the amount of sins you committed and things of that nature, nope it is all about driving skills. Sorry elderly, apparently when your driving skills erode so does your chances of making it into heaven.

This short film was designed to scare drivers in the 1940's. It talks about how drivers in New Jersey are often careless on the road. Watching Arthur W. McGee speak is like watching paint dry. After we endure his way-too-long speech, we're forced to watch a dystopian version of It's a Wonderful Life. Only the actors here can't act. Rightfully torn to shreds on Mystery Science Theater 3000, this short is boring by today's standards.

So, let me get this straight- according to this film, if I'm a New Jersey native and I get into an automobile accident in New Jersey, then I'm doomed to end up in New Jersey Heaven? Unless of course I pull a hit and run, then I'll be doomed to New Jersey Hell! Wait a minute...I always thought that New Jersey was purgatory- oh, never mind! I'd love to know where they actually shot this film. Was that Rutgers stadium or Roosevelt? But seriously, folks, this film was actually meant to be taken seriously at one time, and that's what makes it so much fun to watch MST3K-style! Joel and the bots are right on when they pick on McGee for his Elmer Fudd speech impediment. It had me rolling on the floor, especially since his voice alone is so similar to the cartoon character.

After a man classified by Mike, Servo and Crow as "Elmer Fudd" makes a long, boring speech, we get treated to a preachy look at the dangers of the road as a guardian angel defends his recently deceased client before a judge who looks like Boris Karloff on depressants. If you just watch "X Marks the Spot" in its original form, you'll wish that a car could run you over. But the "MST3K" version is perfectly enjoyable. When the people who made this drudgery first made it, they probably never imagined that a certain robot would relate it to Mick Jagger.

All in all, how cruel of Dr. Forrester to make Mike, Servo and Crow watch this swill.