Swept Away

It's another Madonna film: does anyone really need to know more?

The only thing worse than Madonna trying to be funny is Madonna trying to be serious.

The only thing worse than being trapped on a desert island with Madonna is being trapped on a desert island with Madonna and a film crew.

In 2002, the only thing worse than Madonna in SWEPT AWAY was Robin Williams in DEATH TO SMOOCHY.

The only thing worse than watching Madonna in any movie is trying to come up with new ways of saying she can't act.

It is a minor Masterwerke, and tells the tale in a far more engaging way. The scenery is also gorgeous, and there is an eerie 1960s feel about the film...also an at first snappy, and then increasingly haunting soundtrack...WE should see ALL of Wertmullers films remastered on DVD.

I almost saw this at an actual movie theatre (an art-house theatre, no less!) but couldn't make it there in the one whole week it played, but yesterday I finally saw it on cable and...well...I wasn't disappointed, that's for sure! Madonna has done it again: YET ANOTHER BOMB! When will this woman learn? When will the studios learn? (Or perhaps they already have, since this film was largely dumped, with little fanfare and deadly word-of-mouth.) One would hope that being directed by her talented husband, who's created some interesting and/or terribly entertaining work, would bring out the same quality Madonna showed in "Desperately Seeking Susan"; alas, it just isn't meant to be, for here she is, at her very worst: singularly convinced of her own greatness, the smugness permeating every frame she's in, made all the more unbearable by her wavering faux-British accent, an accent that only underscores the fact that her speaking voice is immature in quality and not especially pleasant. This may sound unnecessarily cruel but LISTEN to the woman, and LOOK at her films of, say, the past decade: like a latter-day Bette Davis, there is an unmistakable brittleness to not only her carriage but to her very face and body, which here, despite the warm photography displayed throughout the film (perhaps its only saving grace), are done no favors. To her credit, the entire affair is so misbegotten that one wonders if the world's greatest actress on her best day could do anything with this mess. No one involved escapes unharmed: Bruce Greenwood actually seems pained to be on-screen, though poor Jeanne Tripplehorn seems to carry herself as if she's actually in something good, which had me thinking all the while, "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt!" Adriano Giannini, son of Giancarlo Giannini, star of the Italian original, "Swept Away...", is, like his father before him, immensely attractive, and isn't altogether bad (despite winning a Razzie nomination for "Worst Actor"), but, like almost everything else about this production, it all comes back to Madonna, on whose shoulders rest the blame. Why her? Why not her husband, director Guy Ritchie? Just who do YOU think was behind this remake? What actress wouldn't want nearly every shot of a movie to be centered on her, with only a relative nobody sharing the screen? Oh sure, Ritchie deserves some blame: surely he - or someone - ANYONE! - should have, and could have, taken his lead aside and insisted on something bordering on ACTUAL FEELING in her line readings (for her performance is so wooden it's a surprise the rest of the cast didn't get splinters), or at least display a semblance of warmth...but she seems resistant to be anything but a cinematic black hole. Above and beyond anything else, this is strictly a vanity project for its star so she is ultimately accountable for it. A film like this, an "Odd Couple"-ish, war of the classes, should be light and fun, with leads who can bounce off one another with witty, even romantic, dialogue, for what else can a film whose plot involves two disparate people stranded, really be? Honestly, I don't think anyone involved knew exactly the tone they were trying for; it succeeds neither as comedy (I defy you to laugh even once) or romance (Madonna's ice-princess routine precludes ANY chemistry). It's not even bad enough for us bad-movie lovers to enjoy. A real shame...

This was visually a very pretty movie. The color of the ocean was so BLUE and the white sand beaches were so PRISTINE. The cinematography and tableaus created were so BREATHTAKING that the only pleasure one can derive fom this mess is an appreciation of the beaches in Sardinia. But all of that does not make up for a lack of plot or mischaracterizations of the protagonists. Madonna, who gets marooned on an island with a macho Italian steortypical guy reminded me of a petulant teenager. She related to her husband and Italain macho guy as a naughty teen would. No real depth of anything. The "funny" scenes were merely embarrassing. How could Guy Ritchie make something this bad? It doesn't make any sense after seeing Snatch and Lock, Stock. IT IS STOMACH CHURNING AWFUL people! I felt queasy with the slow motion fake-tears-chasing and the accompanying vertiginous piano: ping! ping! ping! This film was a romp on the beach with adults acting acting like thirteen year old dominant/submissives. (Madonna kissing macho's foot after she submits to him - bleh.)Most of the island scenes between these two adults were filmed like a home movie with the light shining on a worn out looking Madonna: "Look at me! See how buff and pretty I am! I can do push ups and dancie dance, and see how big my biceps are?" Oh my God. This was bad. Madonna doesn't act, she just plays herself. Just because she can cry on cue doesn't mean she is an actress.

In 1974, Lina Wertmüller brought out "Swept Away". It was a very usual film and it was an interesting parable about the class system. This movie was quite good...and rather shocking when it came to sexuality (this remake is far less explicit). And, in 2002, an unnecessary remake came out that was not so good...and fans hated it...hated it so much that it's currently #84 on IMDB's imfamous Bottom 100 list. This list consists of the lowest rated major motion pictures...ever! So is this remake that bad? Could it be?

In the original film, a spoiled rich lady is aboard a yacht and she treats the crew very badly. When she and a crew member are washed overboard, they find themselves stuck on a deserted island...and the class difference between them is sorely tested. Here, the plot is very similar though Madonna's character is even nastier and irritating...and to everyone...so much you wonder how she could have a husband and friends. I think they tried a bit too hard to make her unlikable...to the point where it seemed almost cartoonish....sort of like having Cruella de Ville aboard! Subtle, it sure ain't!

So, apart from Madonna playing the character too harhsly, what else was I not fond of in the film? Much of it is that in the original film, the story was about the couple. Here, however, it often seems to be more about Madonna. Not only does the film focus more on her, there's even a totally inappropriate and silly song and dance number...on the desert island...complete with a band!! Do I blame her for this? Not necessarily. The script was written by her husband at the time as well as directed by him. Ultimately, the blame would be Guy Ritchie's for having the part written so poorly. Oddly, the rest of the script is fine...and a lot like the original. Now I've seen several amazingly good Ritchie films...and perhaps it is just an example of why you shouldn't give your wife a starring role, as in this case he seemed to make it look more like a vanity project than a good remake. Overall, watchable and not as bad as its appearance on the Bottom 100 would suggest...but still a not especially good movie...especially because they changed the ending...thus neutering its message about class warfare! Instead, they avoided the anti-capitalist message and made the story all about love...and Wertmüller was apparently horrified that they'd done this.

By the way, casting Adriano Giannini as Giuseppi was really interesting, as his father, Giancarlo, starred in the original "Swept Away"--playing the same role (though the character's name was changed).