Biker Zombies from Detroit

Okay, I saw this "movie" months ago, but it has had a lasting impression on me. Since seeing this movie, I have contemplated suicide on over a dozen occassions. I can't get over how embarrassingly horrible this was. It was like watching a bad high school production from the kids you hated most in high school. This is just flat out poor. It's as though somebody just wanted to make a zombie movie...and yet, where are the frickin zombies?! Instead what we get are giant smurfs with fake blood squirting here and there.

The acting is a joke. No offense to the actors, but they are all terrible. And so unappealing to look at. From the Chachi-looking lead, to the big-bosomed girl (who doesn't even do a nude scene...thanks alot!) to the annoying porky girl in the diner who blabs about digital filmmaking (haha, not). As for the movie itself, the director and producer are related...must be one of those dynamic husband and wife filmmaking duo's, like nancy meyers and charles shyer or something. Well, these people are a joke. How dare they try and pass themselves off as legitimate filmmakers. They should be ashamed of themselves for making such a "movie", and wasting so many people's time and effort. They only took 90 minutes of my time...but those 90 minutes of my life they robbed seemed to last 90 years. Hell, the opening credits sequence took up about 84 of the 90 minute running time! Ahh, just thinking about this movie makes me sick. Enough.

Oh, and I see that this filmmaking team is working on more projects. Great, I can't wait. I'll alert the Academy. Ugh, idiots.

I rented this pile of sewer waste hoping for a few good laughs. With a title like `Zombie Bikers from Detroit' and with Dead Alive productions stamped on the front cover, you would think that this could be a funny/gruesome film, but no. This is the worst movie I have ever seen (and yes, I have seen all of the Police Academy movies). The story (this is a joke within itself) and the dialogue are atrocious. The make up of the so-called zombies looks like they used one of those two dollar `Make yourself look like a Zombie' kits that you buy at K-Mart.

I would rather watch Beverly Hills 90210 while listening to the Backstreet Boys and be whipped by a 400lb novelty birthday card model than to sit through another single minute of this pathetic excuse for a DVD. Honestly, I could make a better movie with $3, some popsicle sticks and a slinky. I feel as if 90 minutes of my life were stripped away from me and taken to the land of Suckdom. I know that tagging on the Dead Alive production doesn't guarantee a great flick, but you do expect to get your moneys worth.

The only thing that made me happy (save, returning the horrid mass of elephant feces) was that it wasn't titled `Biker Zombies from Pittsburgh'. I feel for Detroit folks that wasted their hard-earned money on this one. Unless you have been lobotomized …. Do not buy, rent if you must … But …. You will regret it.

I like to rent horror movies from my local video store because they have real off the wall titles there. Biker Zombies has only been rented once from there since it has been on the shelf; unfortunately I was the rentee. I'm not sure if the acting is better or worse than porno acting, but I don't want to watch this movie again to study any further... Zombies that don't eat people? You have the most famous zombie movies in the "Night of the Living Dead" series, where the zombies ate flesh. Then you had the "Return of the Living Dead" trilogy where the zombies wanted brains. But zombies that only murder you without appetite? That's just silly. Awful acting, awful direction, awful costumes... just plain awful!

Biker Zombies from Detroit. A title that says it all. Now if you are reading this comment then you must have read some if not all of the other comments. A very verbal bunch don't you think? The reason for this is obvious if you have watched the classic cult movie that is Bikers (we call it that for short). But the problem is that most people have apparently missed the point of this production. I not only saw this movie but also actually had the opportunity to meet someone who actually worked on it (they were in a drunken stupor when they confessed).

As it turns out those higher powers that were responsible for this movie knew with a title like "Biker Zombies from Detroit" that they had an instant drinking game on the hands. One of those games that when those who are indulging in joys of inebriation watch certain films or TV shows that anytime a predictable word or gesture is produced all must drink (Picard straitens tunic, Kramer burst through door, etc. etc. etc.). Horrified that Bikers could lead to an epidemic level of alcoholism and rampant drug use the kind souls behind Bikers knew what they must do, deep down in their hearts.

Let us figure out the parameters of a drinking game based on the epic BIKER ZOMBIES FROM DETROIT.

1. Anytime that a Biker is seen riding (not smoking) a hog (motorcycle).

2. Anytime that a Zombie is seen, heard or even referred to at all.

3. Anytime that the fine city of Detroit can be recognized in the motion picture.

Those seem like the simple and obvious rules. So the movie-makers in their infinite wisdom decided that the liability of all those drunken video watchers on a rampage could be deterred was to insure the following.

1. Keep the Biker count as low as possible. It was said they actually shot a scene with over 150 biker extras but left it out for sobriety's sake.

2. Ditto on the Zombies, less is more. Again the zombie hordes of extras on the cutting room floor. (rumor has it a cameo by the 60's rock group "The Zombies" as the band in the club was omitted because of the double drink implications).

3. Finally absolutely no footage shot in the city of Detroit. A custom aerial shot of the city was replaced by footage of another Metropolitan City shot from the back of a cab.

But unfortunately they overlooked some major areas, so reckless bingeing can still be had.

1. Drink when ever a character makes an impossible observation (I dare anyone to identify the undergarments wore by anyone wearing bagging non hip hugger denim or corduroy pants while a large sweat shirt or over coat is worn).

2. This next rule applies to all TV and movie drinking games, Cop eating a donut. You must drink double if the cop eating the donut is "waiting in the car".

3. Somebody dies with a silly smile on his or her face. Slam it on this one.

4. Anytime someone just sits on a bike and does not ride it (I was informed that they had to use trained monkeys for the motorcycle riding scenes as the actors that were suppose to ride the bikes were untrained).

5. A bubbly buxom blond bounces across the frame. (Remember to drink after the scene is done to avoid the inevitable spit take)

6. And for you raving alcoholics anytime some one swears. If you don't want to get your stomach pumped maybe make it only when they curse more than once in a sentence. Don't worry you still get fall down drunk between the fat bald bouncer and the Arabic speaking gas station owner (Yeah all that gibberish he is saying is all cuss words about a fist, a goat and somebody's mother from what I understand) and of course the "F Word Guy" is now a cult movie icon. He is suppose to be on the ComiCon circuit soon.

So in this context you understand what was trying to be attempted by the people behind Biker Zombies from Detroit.

On a more sober, excuse me somber note I finally met someone in person who seen the movie and loved it (the "in person" part is important because I know with out a doubt that they have no ulterior motive good or bad as they had nothing to do with it or knew anyone who did). Their one regret was that it ended too soon. So like several of the other people who either loved it or hated it the truth lies in that there is no ending and should be a sequel to this mightiest of the cult classics to wrap up the story. Albeit one that attempts to get everyone more drunk than an white trash wedding at a frat house on St. Patrick's Day.

My apologies to Irish Frat boys so on triple secret suspension as to have the frat house located in the trailer park.

This movie sucked. Bad.

I certainly would not be surprised if a group of kids pitched in to get a MiniDV camcorder, some zombie masks, and beer money to pay the adults. The night scenes were obviously shot without additional lighting as everything sort of blurs into a brackish image with no detail. The audio seemed to be slightly out of sync in many parts and the music was so forgettable that I can't even recall it now. This movie should serve as fantastic viewing for and film 101 class as an example of how NOT to block, shoot, and edit.

Funniest part was when the screenwriter, John Kerfoot or some such, did a fantastic job playing himself as a patron/victim to be in a diner explaining how, in an ironic twist, movies should only be shot on film. If only the zombies could have gotten to him BEFORE he put pen to paper to scribe this filth.

The only saving point was the girl, Courtney. We need more fine, thick, jiggly lead actresses like her. I will watch this movie again just for her.