Thor the Conqueror

Thor the Conqueror is a bottom of the barrel example of the low budget greased up barbarian sword and sorcery movie boom that took place in Italy in the early eighties. It was a regular cottage industry with reams of these god-awful little movies churned out by the Italian movie makers. This one actually has practically nothing to do with Thor or any Norse mythology. It is basically about some big greased up muscleman type who happens to be called Thor having adventures in a generic caveman world. There isn't a lot of plot to go around- basically Thor, who is some kind of chosen one, wanders around some forests randomly fighting other cavemen and quasi-cavemen guided by his misogynistic magical mentor before he teams up with some more civilised and friendly farming cavemen types and battles the head bad guy, is blinded, gets better and leads the nice cavemen to victory. That description might sound vague but the movie is pretty much that incoherent and meandering. There is much of interest to report there other than the at times draw dropping misogynism present be it Thor pretty much forcing himself onto most of the various he meets including his future love interest and rants from Etna the magician about women are there to be used by mean and are fundamentally stupid. It might very well be an accurate depiction of gender politics among cavemen but it doesn't make our protagonists very likable. Other than it has lots of cheap costumes, badly staged fight scenes by actors who look like they were rounded up as part of a work for the dole project and some very stagy and badly written narration by Etna the magician presumably shoehorned in to make the large sections of dialogue-sparse meandering go down easier.

If you think you saw every bad movie in the world - this turkey is worse.

It´s the "new" story of a guy named Thor whose parents got killed by a bad guy named Gunt in the beginning. With the aid of a strange magician (who transformes into a Owl from time to time) he grows up to be a great warrior. But first he has to find a magic sword (yawn), kill hordes of bad looking cannibals and learn to make love (just kisses are allowed here).

The whole pic was shot in a small forest, the only buildings (sort of) are three strawhuts which stand in for a village and a cave which hides the sword.

To name the performances "acting" would be unfair to any school-theatre-group, to call the work of the director "directing" would be against any good taste. But the worst of all are the "fight-scenes" and there many of them in this stinker.

Don´t rent it - ignore it, and if you see it through any bad coincidence - wash your eyes and try to forget this wasted time. It´s not even so bad its good - trust me

This low-budget Italian "Conan"-imitation can perfectly be summarized in one simple word: unendurable! Even if you have, like myself, a soft spot for kitschy fantasy-cinema, this movie is just a very painful viewing experience and, on more than one occasion, you'll be wondering why the hell you're wasting 85 precious minutes of your life with watching crap like this. Thor is a fascinating Northern deity and there haven't been too many movies made about him, which makes it all the more regrettable to see this one is so damn poor. Barely a few minutes after his birth, Thor's parents are slaughtered by savages and the almighty God Teisha becomes his guardian. This out-of-date God constantly switches from his human shape into an owl and he teaches Thor some very valuable (!) life-lessons, such as "Women are stupid", "Women must obey their men" and "Don't be so gentle with females". Great, now I know why my girlfriend doesn't watch this type of films...And she's right, too! Anyway, once Thor is a muscular warrior who lost his virginity (apparently, that's important), Teisha sends him away on a long and dangerous conquest to avenge his dead father. Teisha himself claims to be too old for the journey, yet he stays around to supply the film with completely unnecessary narrative information. Although clearly part of the vivid "Sword & Sorcery" sub genre, this movie is incomprehensibly boring! Even the battle sequences are insipid and thoroughly unexciting. There's obviously also something very wrong when you, the viewer, cheer at the top of your voice when the "hero" is blinded by his enemies... You're supposed to choose the side of Thor, yet you couldn't feel less connected with his character! He can barely talk in sentences! The few visual effects (near the beginning) are embarrassing and there's almost no on screen bloodshed or sleaze. It's pretty obvious to see why director Tonino Ricci never earned the same respectable status as fellow Italian directors like Lucio Fulci, Ruggero Deodato or Sergio Martino. As well as his previous "Baktérion", this movies utter utter crap!

As far as Sword+Sandal flicks go, "Thor the Conqueror" is one of the more 'realistic' movies of the genre. Instead of being pretty, and polished, with elaborate sets and over-styled hair, we get a surprisingly gritty and rough movie, shot totally in some forest, with a very minimalist style. And this is what gives "Thor the Conqueror" a believable edge. Actor Bruno Minniti likewise, is not some huge, steroid ripped pretty guy with perfect hair, but rather a more authentic looking hero. With his slimmer, but ripped build, Thor comes across as a lean and mean fighter, a lot more agile than some huge guy. And rather than make Thor a stereotypical "hero" beyond reproach, he is shown to be rather rough with females, raping, and sometimes killing them with little thought, and no regret. I thought this was a brilliant touch, as who ever imagines a figure like 'Thor' to be a well-behaved gentleman has absolutely no understanding of the Norse Legends. Barbarians, Vikings, were pillagers, rapists, and murderers. They were warriors, and rarely noble. Other people criticized his portrayal, saying that they couldn't sympathize with him. I find that statement very silly.

There was a brilliant Scandinavian director named Hrafn Gunnlaugsson, who created some very realistic Viking films in the 80's. i'm not saying "Thor the Conqueror" is quite in that league, but this strange film reminds me of those movies in the way it is shot in such minimalist style, with crude sets and costumes, and muted colors. On a side note, I was not expecting any romantic content in this movie, but i found the relationship between Thor and Ina to be really nice. As brutal as Thor is with her in the beginning, she finds that she cannot abandon him when his life is threatened by a group of cannibals. she risks her life to rescue him, and from that moment on, the hero of the story develops a new kind of respect and understanding for the opposite sex. I'm surprised at how much I enjoyed this obscure, low budget movie..I recommend it to fantasy film lovers who don't need big budget sets and special FX to enjoy a good fantasy tale..

Okay I often watch barbarian films and try and empathise with the lead character. Primal, base and violent. However after watching this movie I found I couldn't even relate to the lead character.

Firstly the lead, Thor, is shot as a baby, yet survives. Okay he must be well hard, but why is this never referred to? Secondly he is accompanied by a camp "Birdman" who says he cannot follow Thor, yet is always there, especially when our "Hero" is about to have sex.

Oh yes, our "hero" he kills women, rapes them, steals, kills. And we are suppose to feel sorry for him when he is blinded?

Oh year and I thought maybe if the sword turned into the snake, the snake might transform into the sword, no that would be daft.

Another bad point is this film refused to end when we shouted "END!" at the TV.

THis film is tosh, but I will leave you with the line "In centuries to come it will be called horse", I mean... what is it called now?

2 out of Ten

Jake "The Jiggybeast" Roberts