Feeders 2: Slay Bells

First, I saw Feeders 1, and it's terrible, but Feeders 2 makes that one look like Citizen Kane. Parts of this movie I couldn't believe what I was watching. This can't be real. Or, am I sure I'm sober? Or sane?

There's a new style of Feeder alien that looks like a spray painted Styrofoam ball on a bamboo skewer. Special effects, not special, or effects. Aliens can be defeated with toys from Dollar Tree. The acting and dialogue are atrocious, but it's obvious they know all this. It doesn't take itself seriously, it's pure camp, so it's not unfun in a weird way. Positives: It has a plot, it's short, and good for a laugh.

Feeders 2 is so bad it inspired me to think I could make a movie with the change in my couch cushions as I'm sure it has other people. So, that can be another good thing. I give them credit for trying.

The Good News: only 68 minutes long.

The Bad News: its 68 minutes of Polonia video tripe.

These guys should be taken as true encouragement to Indie film producers. If they can sell this offal, then you CAN succeed. Take heart.

The DVD release contains commentaries where the actors/writers/director/cameraman (there appears to only be 4 people involved in total) admits that they spent no money whatsoever. So in light of that, it IS impressive that they could talk anyone into releasing it on DVD. Or maybe they won a lottery and paid someone to do it.

Now, I never saw the original- aside from the flashback segment that rehashes footage from the original- but from what I gather, this is a D-grade, straight-to-video release that is all sorts of cheese.

Basically, a family is about to settle down for the night on Christmas Eve, when they are attacked by a bunch of small aliens who have an insatiable taste for blood.

After killing and consuming the neighbours, they start to hone in on the family, which is the family of one of the characters from the original film (or so I gather, at least).

All before they knock Santa out of the sky, as he was passing over their house.

Despite the behest of his family, the man risks his life to "save Santa".

Which is a little odd, as he is back in fighting shape as soon as he gets into the house.

Leave it to Santa to save the day...

Terrible acting aside (other than the kids, bless their souls), the aliens are hilariously bad puppets.

Actually, they are kind of cool when their limbs are being animated...but their faces are just so so bad.

If you can manage to ignore everything that sucks about this film (which is most of it, to be fair)...it does has a sort of charm to it.

Almost as if it was made by one family as a project over Christmas, or something.

I'm not goiong to lie...if you can sell yourself that lie, it's much more palatable than knowing people went through considerable effort to make this "vision" a reality.

You'd think they had no budget at all, if it weren't for the fact they are rocking some fledgling cgi graphics up in there with UFO.

All-in-all it's pretty much a bad film all-around.

But worth a watch if you are looking for some pure 90's straight-to-vhs Christmas horror cheese.

2 out of 10.

The first thing I had to do after watching this was to re-rate Beerfest. I had to up its rating to make room for this, the absolute worst movie I have ever seen. To be completely honest, my first reaction after watching this was to immediately take it outside, run over it with my car, put it through the chipper, and burn the chips. However, I paused long enough to realize that this film and the companion Feeders on the same DVD would quite possible serve a purpose that was in the National Interest.

I contacted the CIA and told them that they could stop worrying about water-boarding and all those other torture methods that were getting them in trouble. I had the perfect solution to their problems. They just needed to get this film to Guantanamo and all their secret locations. I am certain that their prisoners would be screaming to talk after watching it just twice. I am waiting to hear back before I destroy it.

The "aliens" in this film are the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. They look like they are made of papier-mâché, and their arms and legs are like stick people. The dialog is painful and there is no acting at all. But, the worst offense of all -

Santa with a plastic ray-gun!

Bah Humbug!

You've seen Feeders and you think to yourself, what a wonderful world. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, a sequel-urge is nipping at your nose.

Well this ain't no winter wonderland, Jack. This is a coal burning furnace spitting the fiery flames of futility at your dismayed visage.

Yes, Feeders 2 is a sequel in every sense of the word. The Feeders are back, and this time Santa joins the fray. A nice little asynchronous segment featuring a character from the first Feeders is thrown in, apparently to stun and confuse the audience. Then it gets worse. Once the nerve endings gain sensation again, there is nothing but pain.

The best scene is where a guy goes into his basement, then into his basement's basement, then apparently into his basement's basement's sub basement to get killed by a Feeder.

And at one point someone thinks a Feeder is a toy.

Well that's a no-brainer, they look that fake.

Gone is the delirious Ed-Wood-Meets-Larry-Flint fun of the original feeders, and as a retread, this film gets a flat tire. Where Feeders fed, even though this movie is led to the same watering hole, it poops instead of feeds. You can lead a dead sequel out to pasture but you can't make it drink from the fountain of its own futility. No sir, you take that unpleasant pull off the tap of tepidness by your lonesome if you see this film.

Where is the fun? In the sub-sub-basement. Where is the acting? The only acting in this film is the fast-acting damage inducing effects of seeing the acting of the the tortuous kids, kids that would make you take your own life if they were your kids. If they were someone else's kids that you only saw once in your life, you might take your life just to show your support that the parents should take their own lives.

If you see this movie, don't take your own life. Hasn't the movie done enough? Just vomit, shake it off, and seek therapy.

Feeders 2 picks up where Feeders left off, at the top of the urinal bowl. Then it plunges right in and you flush away 90 minutes of your life.