The Poseidon Adventure

On the surface, a movie like the Poseidon Adventure is almost impossible to screw up. Put a bunch of well known faces on the screen in a life or death situation and you should have something compelling and interesting. Sadly, this is not the case in this below average remake. That's because the script never developed the characters enough to allow us to empathize with or feel for them. The death of Mrs. Rosen is a prime example: in the original it made you cry, not only for her, but for her husband and Gene Hackman's Reverand Scott. Here, she was a widow who's only contribution was to udder silly reminisces about her dead husband Manny. Her death was like "Goodbye Mrs. Rosen, we hardly knew yee", as Rutger Haurer's character appears only mildy disturbed, as if her death is an unneeded distraction. Furthermore, the direction was unsuccessful in creating the suspense and sense of impending doom that dominated the original. There is no conflict or tension between the characters like in the first either, mainly because there is no definitive leader of the group akin to Reverand Scott. What it comes down to is you can't have a disaster movie where you can't relate to the characters and fully appreciate the danger they're in. That's what it's about. Any discussion of special effects and the plausibility of the plot is just ancillary.

OK, this movie was not saved even by ADAM BALDWIN!! And what's up with ROBOCOP getting shot so soon in the movie? He was horrible!! And he was drinking on duty? And then there is that dude from Police Academy. Oh my GOD he was sad. When he said "Cruiseships are not supposed to capsize" I almost barfed out a lung. I mean, this was sad. Then there is Rutger Hauer and C Thomas Howell as a Priest and Ships doctor respectively? I was half expecting Rutger to allude to "The Hitcher" and talk about the juice that spurts out of an eyeball when stabbed. Then there is that dude who is a poor man's Michael Caine! Yes, that annoying Aussie from Cocktail. He was PATHETIC as a poorly baked cake on Hitler's birthday. His acting was sad and NOT good. Then there was this CRUISE SHIP that TERRORISTS happened to infiltrate? I have been on Carnival Cruise Line and trust me, there are NO TERRORIST LOOKING DUDES EVEN ALLOWED to work on those boats!! If you look like HodGee from Johnny Qwest, then you DO NOT GET HIRED! Avoid this movie and save yourself from TORTURE IN THE NINTH DEGREE OF HELL!

Having just watch the first remake of the classic Poseidon Adventure to be released, I can now safely say "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" Not to say that this was a bad remake but it was not great either. Disappointing characters, none of which were endearing and it would not have been a huge loss if none of them got out. Good special effects, but not spectacular - lots of very average CG effects. The capsizing of the ship had no shock/horror effect of the original - it looked like it could be a lot of fun to go sliding across the polished floors, landing on your feet to walk up the wall to the roof of the ballroom. Let's just hope that the big screen "POSEIDON" due for release in 2006 is better than this small screen adaption. My last comment is "STELLA, STELLA, WHERE ARE YOU STELLA?"

This is without a doubt the worst TV movie I have ever seen.

How tripe like this gets through to the point of being screened is beyond me.

The acting is shied, the script rubbish, the effects.. well, what effects, there is no tension, no drama... nothing.

In our house we were laughing all the way through and predicting who was going to die and when. It was remarkably easy especially at the end when the "terrorist" and the hot chick who had the affair with married guy had to die. (This did raise the question as to why the cheating husband lives but no the single hot chick?)

I tried. Oh Lordy I tried for 2 hours, but figuring the last 50 minutes would be better spent staring at my cat, I gave up.

I usually have good things to say about even the worst movies. "Mars Needs Women"? Acting was actually pretty good. "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus"? The plane scene made my day.

But ""The Poseidon Adventure"" (I put in double quotes so not to associate it with any other works of a similar name) was so bad it was good... but then it rolled over into bad again. Beginning with a comic bookish raid on a terror cell (note how they blow the flimsy aluminum garage door open and it leaves a perfectly circular hole whilst leaving the rest of the door standing completely intact lol), the filmmakers immediately establish an irrelevant sideplot about the Department of Homeland Security and a bunch of other miscellaneous Tough American Guy outfits chasing terrorists.

This wouldn't have been so annoying if they hadn't wasted so much time on gratuitous military base scenes and random 1-scene actors running around like the beginning of the tv show Hogan's Heroes. I'm not exaggerating; almost half the movie isn't on the ship, it's about SEAL teams gearing up, military types barking orders, cheesy graphics of GPS satellites circling overhead (real suspenseful there) and soldiers playing poker.

You get the feeling early on that this movie, made in 2005, was just capitalizing on the post 9/11 go-team-USA vibe. It crosses over into propaganda territory with several lines about how Homeland Security doesn't have the funding it needs, as well as a laughable plug for racial profiling (A murder is committed on the ship, and within 5 minutes the Homeland Security guy narrows it down to the 3 culprits by looking at the ship's manifest and checking for people who are from "terrorist-harboring countries". I AM NOT KIDDING! Was Trump watching this trash when he cooked up his many travel ban(s)?

Oh wait, there's something about a boat. And passengers trying to escape. But the story is actually more focused on a husband having an affair with the ship's masseuse while his 2 kids run around the ship and discover dead bodies and stuff. And then there's a random French chick who decides to rip off her dress, like completely, so they can use the fabric to cover their mouths as they run through a fire. Who comes UP with this stuff???

Oh I gotta go, my cat just blinked. Victory is mine!