Cerberus

I found the dialogue, particularly Emmanuelle Vaugier's, very hard to follow. The whole movie was pathetic. I forced myself to watch it all, believing that it would improve.

All the actors in this movie are very experienced (based on their filmographies), so you'd expect they would be able to make something out of a very trite and superficial script.

The special(?) effects were hardly believable - When people lost limbs, it reminded me of the Bridge scene between King Arthur and the Knight from Monty Python and The Holy Grail.

Not even the eye candy made up for it.

This movie could have been fairly good. I wasn't expecting something spectacular, but there was, I think, potential for it to be quite good. Unfortunately, this movie turned out to be just awful. The first thing that jarred me was the camera work. The acting, editing, special effects and camera work were all just terrible. I'm not one to usually pay particular attention to things like editing and camera work, but those elements were so bad they stood out to me very quickly. As a result, I was often distracted from what was happening in the movie. As I said, I wasn't expecting a masterpiece, but I was severely disappointed by this movie. I would not personally recommend it to anyone. I didn't find one redeeming factor in this movie.

The kind of thing you would expect for a low budget straight to DVD (Or Sci-fi channel) release. Basically the only reason anybody would watch this movie is to see a big three headed dog chomping on people. It doesn't deliver on that front as much one would hope, particularly in the first half which involves some pretty dull action stuff as our bland heroes and cookie cutter villains search for a magic sword (The sword of Mars, which apparently belonged to Attila the Hun if you're that interested). Things liven up a bit in the second half when the dodgy CGI Cerberus shows up and one of the bad guys gets hold the invulnerability granting sword.

The plot is pretty dumb as one would expect. The level of intelligence you can expect from this movie is evident from the first scene which involves a robbery of museum in eastern Europe by the bad guys involving guys jumping through skylights with machine guns and grappling to the ground. I somehow doubt the level of security in a place like that is such that it would necessitate such an elaborate armed robbery. I guess the makers just thought it would make a cool action opening- It doesn't. As mentioned this is low budget stuff and the makers don't quite have the flair to get past such limitations and most the action sequences in the movie, particularly the gun battles in the first half are of Walker: Texas Ranger quality. An ancient breastplate which is stolen from the museum is supposed to be essential in leading to the magic sword but later on in the film our heroes manage to do so easily without it. In fact, given the importance placed on the sword in terms of archaeological and mythological magic value this presumably much sought after artifact is found very easily and quickly. The other notably dumb plot aspect of this movie is the subplot involving a North Korean general with some nukes. I have no idea why this subplot was added, other than perhaps to try and increase the stakes but it adds nothing to movie and really seems out of place. You won't have to look very far to find lots of other bits of stupidity in this film but hey it's got a big 3 headed killer dog.

The characters and the actors playing them are a boring lot. The script seems like it was written by a twelve year old, complete with lame comedic banter between our hapless heroes which is so feeble and unfunny that nobody would even bother to laugh at the jokes at the end of a Scooby-do episode. There is not a lot of personality to spare between our leads. The male lead of course has a clichéd 'history' with the lead baddie who he used to serve with in the military. The female lead is the standard could pass for a supermodel scientist/archaeologist who is perfectly groomed and made up, even after hours of crawling around in dusty tunnels and who despite her supposed intelligence acts pretty stupidly.

The cheesiness it delivered upon though. There are some fun scenes of the oh so fake CGI doggy tearing people up and some of the stuff with the sword wielding and now invulnerable baddie going on a rampage (All a bit Highlander really)is fun. They even manage to include such clichés as copulating teens getting killed by the beastie in one completely unnecessary scene and, I swear to god, a scene with a mob of European villagers with burning torches and at least one pitchfork. There was potential for a better movie here with the somewhat interesting mythology and the cool monster but this was a strictly paint by numbers, heartless product.

Oh yeah, how the hell is Cerberus meant to return the sword back to Attila's tomb after it has killed anyone who took it?

If nothing else I have to hand it to the creators of Cerberus who managed to mix the religions and legends of several cultures into one wild modern day plot.

Cerberus of Greek mythology as we know is the guardian of the Underworld or Hell as we call it. It seems as though back in the day or back in another day, Attila the Hun made a deal with old Scratch for an invincible sword which is said to be buried with him. But his resting place is both lost to history and is guarded by Cerberus lest someone else get Attila's invincible sword.

Well now a renegade North Korean general with a resemblance to Fu Manchu is played by Garret Sato wants the sword. It's all he needs to start on his road to world conquest. He hires an American mercenary in Greg Evigan to help get the magic blade, but the Evigan starts getting ideas of his own.

You need an archaeologist with a working knowledge of the Balkan legends to help find Attila's grave so that's where Dr. Emmanuelle Vaugier comes in. They kidnap her brother on the pretext of a gambling debt so she comes along. And Evigan has some US Army Special Ops folks looking for him headed by Sebastian Spence. They all meet up with that nasty three headed Cerberus in, where else, Transylvania.

It's imaginative, but in the end Cerberus is still utter claptrap. They should have left the poor beast alone with the Hercules series.

Cerberus seemed like a good idea in hindsight, but when it came to seeing it the execution spoilt any potential the film had. It does get points for the idea, some splashes of silly fun in the second half and for the hotness of Emmanuelle Vaugier. The rest however was lacking for me, and the jaw-droppingly cheap design of Cerberus is not the only bad thing. There is also some choppy editing and the film is dully lit a lot of the time. But that's not all. The dialogue is trite with very ill-judged comic relief, the climax is abrupt and devoid of thrills or tension, the story is muddled(with the second half only a little bit better than the stodgy first half), dull and often ridiculous, the characters are poorly written clichés especially the villains and on the whole the most inspired the actors get is mumbling their lines, nobody seems engaged at all with their characters or even in the film. Overall, a really mediocre movie, could've been worse but there was no real excuse to not put more effort in. 3/10 Bethany Cox