Dick Van Dyke credited as playing...
Rob Petrie
- Rob Petrie: Why did you two have to type the words in? Isn't saying it enough?
- Buddy Sorrell: No, there's somethin' about seeing it in print that's much better than hearing it in spoken.
- Laura Petrie: Listen, maybe if you explain to Alan...
- Rob Petrie: Honey, how much explaining can you do between "You're" and "Fired"?
- Laura Petrie: Well, Rob, you're gonna have to do something!
- Sally Rogers: Yeah, how about let's get police protection, huh?
- Rob Petrie: I got it. I know how to get into Alan's office.
- Buddy Sorrell: What are you gonna do? Pick the lock with a telephone?
- Rob Petrie: [dialing the desk phone] No, I'm gonna call Mac the night watchman.
- Buddy Sorrell: [sarcastically] Oh, that's right. He's got a skeleton phone.
- Rob Petrie: Hey, there's a transom over that door. If it was open, we could crawl through it.
- Laura Petrie: Rob, that's burglary.
- Rob Petrie: Not technically, honey. We're taking back something we gave Alan. The worst they can call us is Indian givers.
- Sally Rogers: Well, anything's better than being called unemployed.
- Rob Petrie: Honey, it won't hurt if we just go up there and take a look at the door.
- Sally Rogers: Yeah, yeah, Rob. Let's-let's go take a look at the door.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, I don't like it.
- Buddy Sorrell: What do you mean you don't like it? You didn't even see it. It's a great door.
- Laura Petrie: What about the play?
- Sally Rogers: Laura, this is the play-- Three writers in search of their job. Come on, guys.
- Rob Petrie: Honey, we're just going to take a look at the door. We'll be back in a few minutes.
- Laura Petrie: No, no, I'm going too.
- Rob Petrie: Well, there's no need to.
- Laura Petrie: Yes, there is, Rob. If you going to do something illegal, I'm going to be there to see you don't get into trouble.
- Rob Petrie: [trying to break into Alan's office] It's locked.
- Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you know something? If one of us were on the other side, we could open it from that side.
- Rob Petrie: I tore my shirt on a nail.
- Buddy Sorrell: Don't worry about it. I'll get you another shirt.
- Laura Petrie: Will you get him another arm?
- Buddy Sorrell: No. My policy only covers shirts and clothing.
- Laura Petrie: You mean that Alan has the other script?
- Rob Petrie: By now, he's got the script in one hand and a gun in the other.
- Alan Brady: Was it also Rob's idea to switch the scripts?
- Rob Petrie: Well, Alan, we felt a little bad about that first sketch. We made some changes in it.
- Alan Brady: You did, huh?
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, we put in a lot of new jokes and stuff.
- Sally Rogers: Oh boy, real funny stuff, Alan.
- Alan Brady: That first script had pretty funny stuff in it. "Bald-headed fink", that's pretty funny.
- Sally Rogers: [after Laura found the key to Alan's office and opened the door] And I was gonna fire you and make her the mastermind.
- Rob Petrie: Well, I got one last master plan. Let's switch those scripts and get out of here.
- Buddy Sorrell: [taking out the script he and Sally modified] All right, look, here, take this one; here's the script we fixed up.
- Rob Petrie: [searching Alan's desk] We gotta find Alan's copy first. It's not here. Must be here somewhere.
- [tries to open a drawer]
- Rob Petrie: In here is locked.
- Laura Petrie: Rob, you cannot break into a man's desk!
- Rob Petrie: We just broke into a man's office!
- Laura Petrie: [hearing approaching footsteps] Somebody's coming!
- Sally Rogers: Alan! Hide!
- Rob Petrie: Douse the light! Get the door! Oh, the bottle! He'll see the bottle!