Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin • Gymnastic Lady #1 • Baby Heimlich Kid • ...
Death Has a Shadow
Family Guy
Alex Borstein credited as playing...
Lois Griffin • Gymnastic Lady #1 • Baby Heimlich Kid • Old Lady
- Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
- Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
- Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
- Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.
- Peter Griffin: Look, I don't want your mother to worry. When she worries, she says things, like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep". So I'm just gonna tell a little lie here, and not a word to your mother about me getting canned.
- Lois Griffin: What was that?
- Peter Griffin: Um, nothing, honey. Ooh, ooh, the lost my job looks great!
- Lois Griffin: What?
- Peter Griffin: Um, Meg, honey, could you pass the fired my ass for negligence?
- Lois Griffin: Peter, are you all right?
- Peter Griffin: I'm fine. I haven't got a job in the world.
- Stewie Griffin: Excellent, the mind control device is nearing completion!
- Lois Griffin: Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
- [takes mind control device]
- Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
- Lois Griffin: Aw, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen.
- Stewie Griffin: But, of course! That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman!
- Lois Griffin: No toys, Stewie.
- Stewie Griffin: Very well, then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, your uppance will come.
- Stewie Griffin: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
- [pulls out grenades]
- Stewie Griffin: Now, I shall give you one last chance at deliverance. Return my mind control device or be destroyed!
- Lois Griffin: Oh, you just want your toy back. Here you go.
- Stewie Griffin: Yes, well, victory is mine!
- [runs out of room]
- Stewie Griffin: [grenades explode] AH! DAMN YOU ALL!
- Lois Griffin: You see, Peter? A hangover is simply nature's way of saying that I was right. I mean, really, Pe...
- [She falls over]
- Meg Griffin: Mom, are you all right?
- Lois Griffin: My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck.
- Stewie Griffin: Damn.
- Meg Griffin: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
- Lois Griffin: Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
- Meg Griffin: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
- Peter Griffin: Who touched the thermostat?
- Meg Griffin: God, how does he always know?
- Peter Griffin: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial.
- Father 1: Hey, Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, it's all right.
- Father 2: Hey, is my kid over here?
- Father 1: Forget it! False alarm!
- Jan Brady: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
- Mike Brady: Greg were you smoking cigarettes?
- Greg Brady: No dad.
- Mike Brady: Well he's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snake pit. Maybe that will give you some time to think about what you have done.
- Jan Brady: That will teach him.
- Mike Brady: And Jan I'm afraid you have earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.
- Lois Griffin: Uch, smoking! How does a boy like that turn out so wrong.
- Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
- Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
- Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, they got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, aw, you name it.
- Black Woman: [appearing at the window with a plate full of pancakes] You folks want some pancakes?
- Peter Griffin: No, thank you.
- [to his family]
- Peter Griffin: See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.
- Lois Griffin: Now I know you all hate eggplant, but...
- [a laser goes off]
- Lois Griffin: What on earth was that?
- [the family all looks at Stewie who is holding a poorly disguised sandwich holding a gun]
- Stewie Griffin: What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish. And nothing else.
- Lois Griffin: [on the phone] No, I haven't seen Peter all morning. I was busy giving a piano lesson.
- [some arrows fly by her]
- Lois Griffin: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room.
- Stewie Griffin: Why don't you burn in Hell?
- Lois Griffin: Well, no dessert for you, young man.
- Lois Griffin: It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on tv.
- Peter Griffin: But where are those old fashioned values, on which we used to rely.
- Lois Griffin: Lucky there's a family guy.
- Peter Griffin: Lucky there's a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us.
- Stewie Griffin: Laugh and cry.
- Judge: Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
- Lois Griffin: Oh no!
- Brian Griffin: Oh no!
- Meg Griffin: Oh no!
- Chris Griffin: Oh no!
- Kool-Aid Guy: Oh Yeah!
- Brian Griffin: Hey, how's your job search going?
- Peter Griffin: Aw, it sucks, Brian. I've already been through two jobs this week. I got fired off that commercial.
- [cutaway to Peter in a studio dressed as a bird holding a bowl of cereal]
- Director: Try it again.
- Peter Griffin: I'm caca for Cuckoo Puffs.
- Director: No! Dammit, take 26.
- [cut back to Peter and Brian]
- Peter Griffin: And then I had that job as the sneeze guard for the salad bar at that restuarant.
- [cutaway to a restaurant, Peter is dressed as a policeman standing next to an old lady at a salad bar]
- Old Lady: Ah-ah-ah...
- Peter Griffin: [brandishing a gun] Take it outside, lady.
- [cut back to Peter and Brian]
- Peter Griffin: And then I thought I could win some money in that talent show.
- [cutaway to a scene from The Sound of Music]
- Max Detweiler: And the grand prize goes to: The Von Trapp Family Singers.
- [Peter is seen wearing leiderhosen and carrying a sousaphone]
- Peter Griffin: Oh, that is bull...
- [the last part of the word is drowned out by applause]
- Stewie Griffin: Well well, mother. We meet again.
- Lois Griffin: Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.
- Stewie Griffin: Not tightly enough, it would seem. And now, you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!
- Lois Griffin: You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now, it's bedtime.
- Stewie Griffin: No! Blast you and your estrogenical treachery!
- Peter Griffin: Heh heh. Sweet dreams, kiddo.
- Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] You have the power to end this!
- [last lines]
- Meg Griffin: I sure am gonna miss being rich.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, don't worry. I found another way to make money.
- Brian Griffin: Not another welfare scam.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- [puts on an afro wig]
- Peter Griffin: Minority scholarship.
- [laughs, and then winks and gives a thumbs up to the camera as the executive producer credits roll as if the show is over]
- Lois Griffin: No. No.
- Stewie Griffin: Are you insane?
- Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, uh...
- [puts on a blonde wig and rips open his shirt]
- Peter Griffin: I mean, "sexual harassment suit"!
- [laughs]
- Lois Griffin: I don't think so.
- Stewie Griffin: Absolutely outrageous!
- Peter Griffin: Um, uh, uh...
- [takes out a baseball bat]
- Peter Griffin: Disability claim!
- [he knocks himself out with the bat, and the episode cuts to black]
- Lois Griffin: Right now, I am so mad, I can't even see straight!
- Peter Griffin: Oh, really? We got money to get that fixed, too, and we've got enough left over to buy our kids out of any trouble they might get into.
- [sighs]
- Peter Griffin: Just like the Kennedys.
- Meg Griffin: Oh... My collagen is wearing thin.
- Lois Griffin: Well, Meg, sagging lips are simply nature's way of saying you shouldn't have covered for your father's lie.
- Chris Griffin: What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears?
- Lois Griffin: Oh, it means you're becoming a man. But hopefully, not the kind of man who stays out all night and doesn't call. Like your father, who shall remain nameless.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, am I glad to see you.
- Lois Griffin: I've got nothing to say to you, Peter.
- Peter Griffin: I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed?
- Lois Griffin: Peter, you lied to me. You betrayed my trust. Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter.
- Peter Griffin: Really? Well, let's hope the judge sees it that way.
- Lois Griffin: Oh my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David?
- Peter Griffin: Um, no, I just rented it. They're gonna be ticked, though. The penis broke off while I was in the car.
- [Peter throws the stone away, which breaks through Mr. Weed's window. He picks it up]
- Mr. Weed: I shall call you "Eduardo".
- Lois Griffin: I'll need the checkbook in the morning. I'm going to Stop 'N Shop for some sweet corn.
- Peter Griffin: You're spending money on food again? Lois, we just had dinner!
- Lois Griffin: [sarcastically] Well, you know, I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow.
- Mail Lady: Congratulations on all your success. Here's your welfare check.
- Lois Griffin: What the...
- [the last word is drowned out by an airhorn]