Lacey Chabert credited as playing...
Meg Griffin • Jan Brady
- Lois Griffin: You see, Peter? A hangover is simply nature's way of saying that I was right. I mean, really, Pe...
- [She falls over]
- Meg Griffin: Mom, are you all right?
- Lois Griffin: My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck.
- Stewie Griffin: Damn.
- Meg Griffin: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
- Lois Griffin: Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
- Meg Griffin: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
- Peter Griffin: Who touched the thermostat?
- Meg Griffin: God, how does he always know?
- Peter Griffin: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial.
- Father 1: Hey, Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, it's all right.
- Father 2: Hey, is my kid over here?
- Father 1: Forget it! False alarm!
- Jan Brady: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
- Mike Brady: Greg were you smoking cigarettes?
- Greg Brady: No dad.
- Mike Brady: Well he's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snake pit. Maybe that will give you some time to think about what you have done.
- Jan Brady: That will teach him.
- Mike Brady: And Jan I'm afraid you have earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.
- Lois Griffin: Uch, smoking! How does a boy like that turn out so wrong.
- Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
- Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
- Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, they got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, aw, you name it.
- Black Woman: [appearing at the window with a plate full of pancakes] You folks want some pancakes?
- Peter Griffin: No, thank you.
- [to his family]
- Peter Griffin: See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.
- Judge: Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
- Lois Griffin: Oh no!
- Brian Griffin: Oh no!
- Meg Griffin: Oh no!
- Chris Griffin: Oh no!
- Kool-Aid Guy: Oh Yeah!
- [last lines]
- Meg Griffin: I sure am gonna miss being rich.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, don't worry. I found another way to make money.
- Brian Griffin: Not another welfare scam.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- [puts on an afro wig]
- Peter Griffin: Minority scholarship.
- [laughs, and then winks and gives a thumbs up to the camera as the executive producer credits roll as if the show is over]
- Lois Griffin: No. No.
- Stewie Griffin: Are you insane?
- Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, uh...
- [puts on a blonde wig and rips open his shirt]
- Peter Griffin: I mean, "sexual harassment suit"!
- [laughs]
- Lois Griffin: I don't think so.
- Stewie Griffin: Absolutely outrageous!
- Peter Griffin: Um, uh, uh...
- [takes out a baseball bat]
- Peter Griffin: Disability claim!
- [he knocks himself out with the bat, and the episode cuts to black]
- Peter Griffin: Now, look, kids, there's still gonna be food on this table, just not as much, so it won't seem competitive.
- Meg Griffin: Who cares about food? Now, I'll never be able to afford my lip injections!
- [sobs]
- Brian Griffin: Hey, uh, Peter, can we put her out in the yard for a while?
- Meg Griffin: Oh... My collagen is wearing thin.
- Lois Griffin: Well, Meg, sagging lips are simply nature's way of saying you shouldn't have covered for your father's lie.
- Chris Griffin: What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears?
- Lois Griffin: Oh, it means you're becoming a man. But hopefully, not the kind of man who stays out all night and doesn't call. Like your father, who shall remain nameless.