Seth MacFarlane credited as playing...
Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • Glenn Quagmire • Tom Tucker • God • Kool-Aid Guy • Johnson • Reporter • Bill Clinton • Charlie • Tom Hanks • Jerry Seinfeld • Dick • Jemima's Witness • Mike Brady • Porno Bogart • Fast Food Employee • Prisoner #2
- Brian Griffin: Amazing, you can barely drive a car and yet you're allowed to fly a blimp?
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, America's great, isn't it? 'Cept for the South.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
- Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
- Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
- Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.
- Reporter: Mr. President, why do think the American public has continued to support you throughout these impeachment proceedings?
- Bill Clinton: Umm, probably cause you're so fat. A ha ha ha ha.
- Peter Griffin: Now, look, kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
- Peter Griffin: Look, I don't want your mother to worry. When she worries, she says things, like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep". So I'm just gonna tell a little lie here, and not a word to your mother about me getting canned.
- Lois Griffin: What was that?
- Peter Griffin: Um, nothing, honey. Ooh, ooh, the lost my job looks great!
- Lois Griffin: What?
- Peter Griffin: Um, Meg, honey, could you pass the fired my ass for negligence?
- Lois Griffin: Peter, are you all right?
- Peter Griffin: I'm fine. I haven't got a job in the world.
- Brian Griffin: And remember you had an Irish Coffee the day we went to see "Philadelphia"?
- Peter Griffin: [the family is watching the movie in a theater, where everybody except Peter is crying] I got it, it's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.
- Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
- [Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]
- Stewie Griffin: Excellent, the mind control device is nearing completion!
- Lois Griffin: Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
- [takes mind control device]
- Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
- Lois Griffin: Aw, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen.
- Stewie Griffin: But, of course! That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman!
- Lois Griffin: No toys, Stewie.
- Stewie Griffin: Very well, then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, your uppance will come.
- Stewie Griffin: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
- [pulls out grenades]
- Stewie Griffin: Now, I shall give you one last chance at deliverance. Return my mind control device or be destroyed!
- Lois Griffin: Oh, you just want your toy back. Here you go.
- Stewie Griffin: Yes, well, victory is mine!
- [runs out of room]
- Stewie Griffin: [grenades explode] AH! DAMN YOU ALL!
- Mr. Weed: Griffin! Are you sleeping on the job?
- Peter Griffin: No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him.
- Diane Simmons: Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.
- Tom Tucker: Quite a situation we've got here Tom indeed, Diane.
- Glenn Quagmire: Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?
- Peter Griffin: Right here.
- [chugs a can]
- Glenn Quagmire: Heh, you win!
- Peter Griffin: All right! What do I win?
- Glenn Quagmire: Another beer!
- Peter Griffin: Alright, I'm goin' for the high score!
- Glenn Quagmire: Well, actually *Charlie's* got the high score.
- [pan right to a man with his pants down standing in front of a grandfather clock]
- Charlie: Hey, man, your clock won't flush!
- Glen Quagmire: Who wants to play drink the beer?
- Peter Griffin: Right here.
- [drinks beer]
- Peter Griffin: What do I win?
- Glen Quagmire: Another beer.
- Peter Griffin: I'm going for the high score.
- Glen Quagmire: Actually, Charlie's got the high score.
- Charlie: Hey man, your clock won't flush.
- [watching a porno that was accidentally taped over]
- Narrator: The Statue Of Liberty, originally...
- Peter Griffin: Oh, NO! My kid must have taped over it for History class!
- Glen Quagmire: Oh no. What do we do? What do we do?
- Peter Griffin: We'll drink till she's hot.
- Glen Quagmire: Hey, that's just crazy enough to work!
- Lois Griffin: You see, Peter? A hangover is simply nature's way of saying that I was right. I mean, really, Pe...
- [She falls over]
- Meg Griffin: Mom, are you all right?
- Lois Griffin: My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck.
- Stewie Griffin: Damn.
- Peter Griffin: You know, I feel pretty bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink tonight.
- Glenn Quagmire: Aw, don't feel bad, Peter.
- Peter Griffin: Wow! I never thought of it like that!
- Meg Griffin: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
- Lois Griffin: Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
- Meg Griffin: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
- Peter Griffin: Who touched the thermostat?
- Meg Griffin: God, how does he always know?
- Peter Griffin: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial.
- Father 1: Hey, Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, it's all right.
- Father 2: Hey, is my kid over here?
- Father 1: Forget it! False alarm!
- Jan Brady: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
- Mike Brady: Greg were you smoking cigarettes?
- Greg Brady: No dad.
- Mike Brady: Well he's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snake pit. Maybe that will give you some time to think about what you have done.
- Jan Brady: That will teach him.
- Mike Brady: And Jan I'm afraid you have earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.
- Lois Griffin: Uch, smoking! How does a boy like that turn out so wrong.
- Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
- Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
- Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, they got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, aw, you name it.
- Black Woman: [appearing at the window with a plate full of pancakes] You folks want some pancakes?
- Peter Griffin: No, thank you.
- [to his family]
- Peter Griffin: See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.
- [Peter is ordering from a fast food restaurant]
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'd like 6, 000 chicken fagitas, please? Yeah, 6, 000 chicken fagitas.
- Brian Griffin: And a "so-sage" McBiscuit, please?