Hank Azaria credited as playing...
Wiseguy • Moe Szyslak • Red Tick Beer Man • Carl • Chief Wiggum • Alligator • Coma patient • Dr. Nick Riviera
- Alien: I bring you love.
- Lenny: It's bringing love, don't let it get away!
- Carl: Break its legs.
- [everyone starts to advance on the alien]
- Lisa: Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien.
- [Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns in a twisted and disoriented state]
- Mr. Burns: [in a high-toned voice] Hello, children. I bring you love.
- Willy: Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it!
- Smithers: It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns!
- Willy: Aww, it's Mr. Burns! KILL IT! KILL IT!
- Chief Wiggum: Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, I mean, uh, Simpson. So I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
- [pantomiming doing so, humming]
- Homer: You don't have to humiliate me.
- Pyromaniac: [entering as Homer leaves] I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again!
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, yeah, right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
- [pantomiming again, humming]
- Chief Wiggum: Fruitcake.
- Dr. Nick Riviera: Don't worry. You won't feel a thing...
- [exhibiting a swirling mechanical device]
- Dr. Nick Riviera: ...till I jam this down your throat!
- Kent Brockman: Tonight, on "Eyewitness News," a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up.
- Coma patient: [in his hospital bed] Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?
- Kent Brockman: No. Uh, she won an Oscar, and he's a congressman.
- Coma patient: Good night!
- [his heart rate monitor flatlines]
- Kent Brockman: [back in the studio] But first, E.T. phone Homer... Simpson, that is.
- Homer: Marge! Kids! They're about to show my videotape.
- Kent Brockman: Local man Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost, has given us this videotape. It's a close encounter of the blurred kind.
- Homer: Take a look at this, Lisa. You don't see any "Homer is a dope" T-shirts, do you?
- Sarcastic worker: We sold those out in five minutes.
- Homer: D'oh!
- [seeing Marge and Maggie wearing one]
- Homer: Marge, how could you?
- Marge Simpson: These shirts are 100% cotton, and look at the fine stitching on "dope".
- Homer: [to the vendor] I'll take two.
- Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love. I bring you fear, famine, pestilence, and...
- Dr. Nick Riviera: Time for a booster!
- Mr. Burns: Good morning starshine...
- Homer Simpson: [describing his encounter with the alien] Oh, it was awful. They sat me on a cold, metal table and prodded me with humiliating probes. And... oh, wait, that was my physical.
- Carl: [sarcastically] Great story Homer, really.
- Moe: Another Duff, Homer?
- Homer: Nah. It's Friday night, Moe. I want to try something special.
- Moe: Uh, sure, sure.
- [surreptitiously drawing an umlaut over the "U"]
- Moe: Eh, here you go. "Doof." From Sweden.
- Homer: [taking a sip] Skoal! Wait a minute. This is Duff!
- Moe: [laughing nervously] You got me, didn't you? All right, here you go. Red Tick Beer.
- Homer: [taking a sip] Hmm. Bold, refreshing. And something I can't quite put my finger on.
- [cut to a Red Tick brewery, where dogs swim in a vat of beer]
- Red Tick Beer Man: [taste-testing some] Hmm... needs more dog.