Ice Spiders

And, if you don't mind my saying so, I've been around. I've seen the legendary "Plan 9 From Outer Space," as well as a whole host of network TV films ("Locusts," "Vampire Bats," "Category 6," "Category 7," "Fatal Contact," whatever the sequel to "10.5" was called) and I stand here before you today to say that cable proves that you don't have to be a venerable broadcast giant to really, really stink.

The plot of the movie is that some government scientists engineer giant spiders in order to harvest their silk for Department of Defense purposes. The only problem is that one of the scientists tampers with the experiment, the spiders get out, and it's up to a fleet of B-actors to stop them or flap on the ground in a spot where a giant spider will later be edited in killing them trying.

This movie enters a qualitative threshold that I did not know could exist. You see, once a film reaches a certain level of "awful," the people involved start to notice (as evidenced by the tongue-in-cheek extra-low budget Adult Swim shows "Saul of the Mole Men" and "Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job"). Somehow, the cast of Ice Spiders was unaware of the lousiness of the film they were making. The only kind of television I've ever seen in my life - which has probably been shortened substantially by the cumulative doses of TV movies I've had over the years - that could rival "Ice Spiders" for quality are commercials made by regional furniture dealerships. Speaking of commercials, kudos to Orkin for their advertising during the world premier of this "film." The computer effects appear to have been designed with software from the 1980s, the acting is beyond awful - and I mean that seriously; some of this comes off like the actors were cold-reading the script - and the overall premise defies description. Thank God I taped it, because somehow I just know that this film can only be enhanced by VHS static lines.

No, not the spiders, the characters' gene pools are the biggest threat here. This movie was crammed full of idiot characters I cared nothing about whatsoever. Had me rooting for the spiders all the way, hoping they would make sure these people never procreated. The film was boring, riddled with plot holes, inane dialogue, crap effects and just soooo many goofs I lost count half way through. Had to watch this in two parts as I just couldn't take it after an hour. I seldom if ever don't finish a film though, so cringed my way through the dismal last 20 and a bit minutes. I wish I hadn't bothered.

Yes, I know this was made for cable, it's meant to be a bit of fun and mindless, but did they really have to make it THAT bad? I love a good b-movie, but this was grade z garbage.

See Arachnophobia, Kingdom of the spiders or pretty much any other spider movie out there. And if you want to see good skiing, just watch anything else but this. Even Ski School and Ski Patrol had better actors and skiing.

Patrick Muldoon is no stranger to what awaits, as he took on intergalactic space bugs at one stage of his career, now in this lame-brain Syfy enterprise, he finds himself facing a much different type of creepy crawly; genetically altered gigantic arachnids on the ski slopes courtesy of government secret experimenting going on in nearby labs. "ICE SPIDERS" does exactly what it says on the tin, and much more. Overdone, streamlined CGI spiders run rampant, causing bloody carnage, jumping on and cocooning government employees and skiers at the remote Lost Mountain ski resort. It's up to Muldoon (retired Olympic skier), Vanessa Williams (doctor working at the lab) and Stephen J. Cannell (resort owner) to put a stop on these spiders killing the remaining survivors. The genuine combination between the three, keeps it perky and on the move. Everything sticks to clichés and thrills are cheesy, yet mostly played straight with moments of outrageous blood splatter and spider POV vision, where you can't help but chuckle. Sure it won't win any awards, but it's okay time-waster, even if only for background noise.

I've watched about 30 minutes of this movie, and it's been enough to conclude that the script is a piece of junk, the acting is just as bad, the CGI looks like an tenth grader programmed it in his afternoon study hall, and that the movie is a total waste of time and brain power. The only thing that could make this movie worse would be to cast Steven Seagal as the lead. Actually, he couldn't have done any worse than the guy who did play the lead. NOTHING about this movie is entertaining or of any value. I honestly wish I would not have wasted the past half an hour of my life watching it.

Spider food? Come on.

There's a ski resort far far away from civilization, yet there's a nice little city within viewing distance of the facility. Also next to the resort is a secret government research laboratory that studies spiders, giant spiders at that. The spiders escape... didn't see that one coming.

Anyways, if you pull the fire alarm in this so-called laboratory, a squad of shirtless idiots with m-16's come charging in looking for something to shoot. Some bimbo girl dressed like she's in a winter clothing catalog is the "doctor" in charge of the research and tries to call the shots. Instead we end up listening to some cocky guy with silly eyeglasses and a lab-coat on as he tries to capture the spiders as opposed to killing them. The spiders were smart though. Instead of listening to the horrible dialog going on at the lab set, they go and join the ski resort patrons next door for some snow packed action. They pull off some awesome jumps, tricks, etc. I think the spiders were actually better than the "olympic trainees" working on their skills. Anyways, the spiders squeal with delight, eat people, then ski some more.

I'm not really sure of what else to say about this near-fatal blow to the human IQ. A lot of the dialog was hard to tolerate as it was just flat out awful. All of the characters were undeveloped, clichéd, and brought a whole new meaning to being stupid. None-the-less, the spiders on ice action was hysterical in a sad way. Me and my friend enjoyed ripping on this movie all the way through.

If you can tolerate horrible dialog for some hilarious "creature violence," this film may be worth laughing at. Otherwise, I think it'd be best to avoid it at all costs.