Ice Spiders

OK to start with--this could have been much worse. The acting was fairly lame--picture stereotypical surf dude dialogue-- and the story itself is one we've seen repeatedly. I think the coolest thing about it was Stephen Cannel. I kept thinking that it was just someone who looks like him. He had a bigger role than I had expected. I have to admit I liked the ending. If anyone has seen the end of the 2nd feature of Grindhouse---I didn't cheer as much but it was OK. :) Don't watch this expecting too much--if you are watching anything on the SciFi Original Saturday nights---surely you wouldn't be doing that anyway. It is an OK way to waste 2 hours if you have nothing better to do.

There's a ski resort far far away from civilization, yet there's a nice little city within viewing distance of the facility. Also next to the resort is a secret government research laboratory that studies spiders, giant spiders at that. The spiders escape... didn't see that one coming.

Anyways, if you pull the fire alarm in this so-called laboratory, a squad of shirtless idiots with m-16's come charging in looking for something to shoot. Some bimbo girl dressed like she's in a winter clothing catalog is the "doctor" in charge of the research and tries to call the shots. Instead we end up listening to some cocky guy with silly eyeglasses and a lab-coat on as he tries to capture the spiders as opposed to killing them. The spiders were smart though. Instead of listening to the horrible dialog going on at the lab set, they go and join the ski resort patrons next door for some snow packed action. They pull off some awesome jumps, tricks, etc. I think the spiders were actually better than the "olympic trainees" working on their skills. Anyways, the spiders squeal with delight, eat people, then ski some more.

I'm not really sure of what else to say about this near-fatal blow to the human IQ. A lot of the dialog was hard to tolerate as it was just flat out awful. All of the characters were undeveloped, clichéd, and brought a whole new meaning to being stupid. None-the-less, the spiders on ice action was hysterical in a sad way. Me and my friend enjoyed ripping on this movie all the way through.

If you can tolerate horrible dialog for some hilarious "creature violence," this film may be worth laughing at. Otherwise, I think it'd be best to avoid it at all costs.

Ice Spiders (2007)

** 1/2 (out of 4)

A rundown ski resort comes under attack by large, genetically engineered spiders. It turns out that the government was using a place close to the resort to do their experiments but the spiders broke loose and now they're chewing on people. It's now up to a former Olympian skier (Patrick Muldoon) to try and stop them. Back when this "nature" sub-genre started we would get classics like THEM! and then bad but fun camp movies like EARTH VS. THE SPIDER. This film here certainly falls into the campy category and I'm sure a large number of people are going to hate this film but I thought it was goofy enough to be enjoyed on a "B" movie level. I think one of the biggest pluses are the actual CGI spiders. Yes, they're obviously fake but there's just something about them that appeals to the Ed Wood lover in me. I thought the spiders were rather charming and I must admit that I found it fun watching them pick off people in a wide range of ways. There's a very good sequence early on when they attack some hunters and one of the men gets wrapped up in the spider's web. Another good sequence has a bunch of skiers going down the slopes to get away from them but the spiders pick them off one by one. The death sequences aren't overly violent but fans of the red stuff will be happy to see that there's some small amounts of gore. The performances certainly aren't anything ground breaking but I enjoyed Muldoon in his role. His hippie-like character is charming enough and the actor manages to make the role at least entertaining. I also enjoyed Vanessa Williams as the doctor. Stephen J. Cannell is also fun as the resort owner. Those who only want high art are certainly going to hate this movie and I'd be willing to bet that a large number of horror fans will as well. I think those who can enjoy camp will probably get some mild entertainment out of this thing as long as they don't take it too serious and can plant their tongue firmly in their cheek.

No, not the spiders, the characters' gene pools are the biggest threat here. This movie was crammed full of idiot characters I cared nothing about whatsoever. Had me rooting for the spiders all the way, hoping they would make sure these people never procreated. The film was boring, riddled with plot holes, inane dialogue, crap effects and just soooo many goofs I lost count half way through. Had to watch this in two parts as I just couldn't take it after an hour. I seldom if ever don't finish a film though, so cringed my way through the dismal last 20 and a bit minutes. I wish I hadn't bothered.

Yes, I know this was made for cable, it's meant to be a bit of fun and mindless, but did they really have to make it THAT bad? I love a good b-movie, but this was grade z garbage.

See Arachnophobia, Kingdom of the spiders or pretty much any other spider movie out there. And if you want to see good skiing, just watch anything else but this. Even Ski School and Ski Patrol had better actors and skiing.

This is what somebody runs into the lobby of the dead ski resort and shouts. This is classic stuff. Unfortunately, one doubts that it's intentional. The skiers who ski down the hill and stop in a heap so that the skittery spiders can attack effortlessly are like something from Monty Python. The Olympic team huddled behind the machinery and watching from afar is supremely atrocious. I want to laugh but it's too stupid. It's like laughing at a physically impaired person falling out of his wheelchair. No, Sci-Fi channel is way too cynical to earn any more of my time. This is pure tripe. Have they a single idea in their heads, or must it all be this embarrassing crap...? (Alas, rhetorical question.)