Ice Spiders

No, not the spiders, the characters' gene pools are the biggest threat here. This movie was crammed full of idiot characters I cared nothing about whatsoever. Had me rooting for the spiders all the way, hoping they would make sure these people never procreated. The film was boring, riddled with plot holes, inane dialogue, crap effects and just soooo many goofs I lost count half way through. Had to watch this in two parts as I just couldn't take it after an hour. I seldom if ever don't finish a film though, so cringed my way through the dismal last 20 and a bit minutes. I wish I hadn't bothered.

Yes, I know this was made for cable, it's meant to be a bit of fun and mindless, but did they really have to make it THAT bad? I love a good b-movie, but this was grade z garbage.

See Arachnophobia, Kingdom of the spiders or pretty much any other spider movie out there. And if you want to see good skiing, just watch anything else but this. Even Ski School and Ski Patrol had better actors and skiing.

If nothing else, the giant spiders in ICE SPIDERS look pretty convincing. A group of skiers run into a messed-up lab experiment, a bunch of black widow spiders the size of rottweilers that are on the loose and plenty hungry. The location photography is gorgeous and the skiing sequences are great, although they sometimes give the appearance of being stock footage. Pat Muldoon of STARSHIP TROOPERS stars, and legendary TV mogul Steven Cannell is on board as one of the besieged group. Beware: This is otherwise a typical Sci-Fi Channel job, so have a good stiff drink before watching. We do get snow scenes instead of the endless eastern European wood and field scenes of past productions for the channel.

All the spiders are different species and colors so of course they have the scientist say that they all basically look the same. Ugh. The only good thing about this movie is that a guy has his entire lower body eaten and an hour later we can still see him clearly breathing. The ending may be the worse ending of any movie ever.

And, if you don't mind my saying so, I've been around. I've seen the legendary "Plan 9 From Outer Space," as well as a whole host of network TV films ("Locusts," "Vampire Bats," "Category 6," "Category 7," "Fatal Contact," whatever the sequel to "10.5" was called) and I stand here before you today to say that cable proves that you don't have to be a venerable broadcast giant to really, really stink.

The plot of the movie is that some government scientists engineer giant spiders in order to harvest their silk for Department of Defense purposes. The only problem is that one of the scientists tampers with the experiment, the spiders get out, and it's up to a fleet of B-actors to stop them or flap on the ground in a spot where a giant spider will later be edited in killing them trying.

This movie enters a qualitative threshold that I did not know could exist. You see, once a film reaches a certain level of "awful," the people involved start to notice (as evidenced by the tongue-in-cheek extra-low budget Adult Swim shows "Saul of the Mole Men" and "Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job"). Somehow, the cast of Ice Spiders was unaware of the lousiness of the film they were making. The only kind of television I've ever seen in my life - which has probably been shortened substantially by the cumulative doses of TV movies I've had over the years - that could rival "Ice Spiders" for quality are commercials made by regional furniture dealerships. Speaking of commercials, kudos to Orkin for their advertising during the world premier of this "film." The computer effects appear to have been designed with software from the 1980s, the acting is beyond awful - and I mean that seriously; some of this comes off like the actors were cold-reading the script - and the overall premise defies description. Thank God I taped it, because somehow I just know that this film can only be enhanced by VHS static lines.

This is what somebody runs into the lobby of the dead ski resort and shouts. This is classic stuff. Unfortunately, one doubts that it's intentional. The skiers who ski down the hill and stop in a heap so that the skittery spiders can attack effortlessly are like something from Monty Python. The Olympic team huddled behind the machinery and watching from afar is supremely atrocious. I want to laugh but it's too stupid. It's like laughing at a physically impaired person falling out of his wheelchair. No, Sci-Fi channel is way too cynical to earn any more of my time. This is pure tripe. Have they a single idea in their heads, or must it all be this embarrassing crap...? (Alas, rhetorical question.)