Verne Troyer credited as playing...
Coach Punch Cherkov
- Coach Punch Cherkov: What's the capital of Thailand?
- Guru Pitka: Bangkok.
- Coach Punch Cherkov: Exactly.
- [punches Pitka in his groin]
- Guru Pitka: Omar Sharif, my balls!
- Guru Pitka: [picks up Coach Cherkov] I'd like to thank the Academy. Wow, these things are heavy. Yeah.
- Coach Punch Cherkov: Put me down, a-hole!
- Guru Pitka: [notices Coach Cherkov behind him and freaks out] This little guy scared the crap out of me. I think I'm gonna have to do a panty check. I might have some monkey-mustard back there. No, I am good.
- Coach Punch Cherkov: [to Jane] Who is this prick?
- Guru Pitka: Well, how do you do? Shrimp?
- Coach Punch Cherkov: What did you call me, jagamo?
- Guru Pitka: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your gnome. Name! You are a midget.
- Coach Punch Cherkov: I find that term condescending!
- Guru Pitka: Condescending. That's a *big* word for you.
- Angry Fan: Boo! You suck Bullard!
- Jane Bullard: No you suck! You can say bad things about me but I won't say bad things about myself! So guess what? You can all just kiss my... Canadian ass!
- [crowd cheers]
- Jane Bullard: Cherkov, Pitka's coming you have to...
- Coach Punch Cherkov: Are you as turned on as I am right now?
- Jane Bullard: You're a bad bad person.
- Coach Punch Cherkov: I'll take that as a yes!
- Jane Bullard: Pitka's coming just stall! Ew!
- Jane Bullard: Can we win the Cup without Roanoke?
- Coach Punch Cherkov: Not a chance, boss. As long as Jacques "Le Coq" Grande is banging Darren's wife, Darren's toast.
- Jane Bullard: My father once told me the Yankees hired a guru to turn their team around. I have our guru. If he can fix Darren, we win the Cup. They call him: The Love Guru.
- Jane Bullard: [singing] He's a picker, He's a grinner, He's a lover, And he's a sinner, He plays his music in the sun
- Guru Pitka: I'm a joker, I'm a smoker
- Coach Punch Cherkov: I'm a midnight toker
- Guru Pitka, Jane Bullard: I get my lovin' on the run...