Steve Howey credited as playing...
Stan Helsing
- Nadine: I can't believe I ever went out with you.
- Stan Helsing: The best six weeks of your life.
- Nadine: It was two weeks.
- Stan Helsing: Yeah, but I was doing you in my mind for the other four.
- [first lines]
- Stan Helsing: [picking up a ringing phone] Schlockbuster. Happy Halloween.
- [pause]
- Stan Helsing: Yeah yeah yeah, we carry porn.
- [pause]
- Stan Helsing: What do I recommend? Well... "Schindler's Fist", "How Stella Got Her Tube Packed", "Six Degrees of Penatration". This is a good one. "Glad He Ate Her".
- [pause]
- Stan Helsing: Yeah, yeah, okay. You're welcome, Grandma.
- Stan Helsing: [they are driving along the highway, their car is in the left lane; he says to the driver] Teddy, there's a MILF alert, 3 o'clock.
- Mia: [confused] What's a MILK alert?
- Stan Helsing: [confronted by a giant cockroach in a restroom stall] Oh, cock... roach. Sorry, dude! I thought this was available, but it's okay. I don't actually need it, 'cause I just pissed myself. You look tense. Uh... you need a magazine? Toilet paper? Here, I'll get you a magazine.
- [the giant cockroach grabs Stan]
- Stan Helsing: Ah, I see you're a fan of the Kobe Bryant position.
- Stan Helsing: [on the highway, telling his friends what he just saw in the car that was next to theirs] That doll mimed a blowjob and started smacking his ass! That's so weird.
- Nadine: [sarcastically] No, no, no, no. That's not weird at all. It's, you know, it's a MILF driving a car with a doll that's miming a blowjob and spanking his ass. Yeah, yeah.
- Teddy: [facetiously] Sounds perfectly normal.
- Mia: My brother said I used to give his GI Joe doll a boner.
- Nadine: Okay, you probably want to keep that to yourself.
- Nadine: [the foursome are cooing over a puppy] He kind of looks like that dog we hit on the road.
- Crazy: You mean Sammy boy? That's Sammy boy's son, this is Sammy boy.
- [Camera cuts to a fierce looking Rottweiler with bolts in it's neck reminiscent of Boris Karloff's version of Frankenstein's monster]
- Stan Helsing: Hi Sammy boy. Looking good. Nice job. You can barely notice.
- Crazy: He hasn't been the same since you him with your car. He can't eat, now he's starving!
- Teddy: Have yo tried Ensure? They're these little milkshakes we gave to my grandfather one time when he couldn't poop. It was awlful.
- Crazy: Sammy needs meat!
- Stan Helsing: There was a Sizzler that we just passed on the way over here.
- Crazy: [creepily] Raw meat.
- Stan Helsing: You don't have to cook it.