Baby on Board

I am a fan of Heather Graham, but this movie .... It is even worse than the universally panned "Say it Isn't So", which, apart from the great Sally Fields was bad even for a straight-to-DVD film. How come HG can't choose a good film ? Fart 'jokes', puke gross-out 'gags' and the like should indicate a bad script. She can be a really great actress when she wishes; does she not wish ? The premise is HG's character ( "character" ) has to market a new perfume designed for pregnant women. The usual tales of unfaithful husbands, pregnancies, and work mishaps ensue for our heroine, the 'best friend', and the inevitable gay friend. Oh dear. I would call it juvenile, but even juveniles would not find anything to take home. I give this a 2 since it has Heather Graham in it. Otherwise it would be in negative numbers.

OK, so after reading the other comments I was expecting the film to be dire. But it was, in fact, quite funny. I laughed out loud in some places and I'm sorry if you folks don't find the fact that pregnant women fart or that old guys have dangly balls funny but I'm not too high brow myself and I actually liked this film a lot. It held my attention, and I was in fact still smiling as the credits rolled.

I'd happily recommend it to anyone who wants a bit of fun without the nastiness and drama that lots of films (even comedies) feel obliged to dole out.

So why not give it a chance?

I just don't know what studio people are thinking when agree to make something like this. The general storyline has been done 100 times.. you know, philandering men, women who are insecure, dysfunctional relationships, an upstart in the office waiting for her big break, lots of cursing and bad sex jokes, seductive goldigger wives, divorce court drama, etc.

But this film was even worse than it sounds. I can usually watch almost anything, even total c grade junk. But this looked like even the players were in pain trying to say their lines. Lara Flynn Boyle looked more botoxed out than Joan Rivers, the men in it are all snakes and liars, everyone is cheating on everyone, and not one line is funny. The fart jokes are even horrible (which is pretty hard to screw those up) All in all, this was another horrible waste of perfectly good celluloid. Not sure what Heather Graham was thinking here either, as she has now added to her list of atrocious films.

The bloopers were pretty funny. Maybe it's because they highlight the inscrutable and absurd nature of this movie even more. Indeed, it must have been hard keeping a straight face throughout.

That's because the writing was atrocious. It sounded as if it were written by 80s teenagers from the Ozarks. These are lawyers who apparently still know how birth control works. They talk about relationships and sex like someone who's never experienced either. Also not only the dialogue, but the plot dehumanises minorities. Some are present but only as stereotypes - asians as massage parlor operators or business executives with samurai swords; a Russian girl as a mail-order bride; gays with exaggerated mannerisms and speaking style. Some others are mentioned only as the butt of rather tasteless jokes. It's just an example of how poor and empty the writing is.

And the plot is really poorly constructed as well. There are two couples. One of the wives suspects the husband of cheating and then kicks him out. Why she only suspects it I don't know because he says it point blank about a dozen times before that. Then at some point he gives a really dumb and pointless speech and she suddenly doesn't care if he cheats and they get back together. Then the husband of the main couple suspects his wife is cheating only because someone mentioned that she must be cheating (on no basis at all). Then at the end he, too, says he doesn't care if she cheats just for the sake of bringing the movie to its conclusion, I suppose?

I knew when I saw the horrible CGI superimposed onto the live action scenes at the beginning that I was in for something spectacularly bad. However, it surprised me to see plots and writing reminiscent of low-budget direct-to-video sex comedies or fichers of the 80s. I didn't think that could happen so close to 2010.

The acting is quite good, though. Many characters have good timing and professionally carry out their ridiculous lines and roles.

Honourable Mentions: Hot Dog the Movie (1984). This is a low-budget 80s sex comedy with dubious presentations of minorities had some things that made it attractive, things Baby on Board (2009) could never have: charm, style, and a plot that makes logical sense.

I can say without reservation, that, considering the talent of the cast and the standard one would expect, this has to be one of the worst movies I have seen in recent (or even in distant) history.

Imagine if a 15yo or an immature frat boy were handed a terrific cast and the script and direction of what was once your standard baby related comedy and you'll have Baby on Board pretty well pegged.

Gaaa...over and over again I found myself asking just "Why?" or cringing at the lines spewing forth from one of my favorite's (John Corbett) lips...and John? What were you thinking?..sheesh, feel like I need a shower now.

Simply godawful.