Baby on Board

I wasn't expecting an epic masterpiece - just a fun popcorn film ala "Knocked Up". But I couldn't help but get distracted by how many Asian stereotypes are in this film, from the offensive portrayal of the caretaker at the "Korean handjob house" to the slutty Asian prostitute to the CEO of the Japanese company with the freaking SAMURAI SWORD! I've worked with tons of Japanese business men - I assure you, they do not come dressed ready for battle. I didn't mind the fart/ball/juvenile humor at all, but I just found the writing choice of the Asian characters a bit strange. This movie is going to play like an uncomfortable old timey movie where people are in black face - NOT FUNNY. Not relevant. Not appropriate.

I am a fan of Heather Graham, but this movie .... It is even worse than the universally panned "Say it Isn't So", which, apart from the great Sally Fields was bad even for a straight-to-DVD film. How come HG can't choose a good film ? Fart 'jokes', puke gross-out 'gags' and the like should indicate a bad script. She can be a really great actress when she wishes; does she not wish ? The premise is HG's character ( "character" ) has to market a new perfume designed for pregnant women. The usual tales of unfaithful husbands, pregnancies, and work mishaps ensue for our heroine, the 'best friend', and the inevitable gay friend. Oh dear. I would call it juvenile, but even juveniles would not find anything to take home. I give this a 2 since it has Heather Graham in it. Otherwise it would be in negative numbers.

GOD AWFUL. This movies is the the kind of crap actors make when they are first starting out, not when they are established. I have NO IDEA how big name actors ended up in the trite mishmash of misogynistic stereotypes. Laura Flynn Boyle looks like a poster child for cosmetic interventions gone awry. The other actors are decent in their roles since they are fairly good in most anything, but the dialog is contrived, the plot reminiscent of fraternity flicks, and the overall affect is just plain embarrassing for all involved. All I can figure is that some body made a deal with the devil or the script changed considerably after the stars signed on. No distributor was willing to take it on, so Baby on Board had only limited release. No doubt based on its star power, DVD showings will be better, but this film is not even worth your basic veg out in front of the TV trial.

The bloopers were pretty funny. Maybe it's because they highlight the inscrutable and absurd nature of this movie even more. Indeed, it must have been hard keeping a straight face throughout.

That's because the writing was atrocious. It sounded as if it were written by 80s teenagers from the Ozarks. These are lawyers who apparently still know how birth control works. They talk about relationships and sex like someone who's never experienced either. Also not only the dialogue, but the plot dehumanises minorities. Some are present but only as stereotypes - asians as massage parlor operators or business executives with samurai swords; a Russian girl as a mail-order bride; gays with exaggerated mannerisms and speaking style. Some others are mentioned only as the butt of rather tasteless jokes. It's just an example of how poor and empty the writing is.

And the plot is really poorly constructed as well. There are two couples. One of the wives suspects the husband of cheating and then kicks him out. Why she only suspects it I don't know because he says it point blank about a dozen times before that. Then at some point he gives a really dumb and pointless speech and she suddenly doesn't care if he cheats and they get back together. Then the husband of the main couple suspects his wife is cheating only because someone mentioned that she must be cheating (on no basis at all). Then at the end he, too, says he doesn't care if she cheats just for the sake of bringing the movie to its conclusion, I suppose?

I knew when I saw the horrible CGI superimposed onto the live action scenes at the beginning that I was in for something spectacularly bad. However, it surprised me to see plots and writing reminiscent of low-budget direct-to-video sex comedies or fichers of the 80s. I didn't think that could happen so close to 2010.

The acting is quite good, though. Many characters have good timing and professionally carry out their ridiculous lines and roles.

Honourable Mentions: Hot Dog the Movie (1984). This is a low-budget 80s sex comedy with dubious presentations of minorities had some things that made it attractive, things Baby on Board (2009) could never have: charm, style, and a plot that makes logical sense.

I can say without reservation, that, considering the talent of the cast and the standard one would expect, this has to be one of the worst movies I have seen in recent (or even in distant) history.

Imagine if a 15yo or an immature frat boy were handed a terrific cast and the script and direction of what was once your standard baby related comedy and you'll have Baby on Board pretty well pegged.

Gaaa...over and over again I found myself asking just "Why?" or cringing at the lines spewing forth from one of my favorite's (John Corbett) lips...and John? What were you thinking?..sheesh, feel like I need a shower now.

Simply godawful.