If you've ever wondered what would happen if someone took the outline of a romantic drama, cut out the middle, and filmed it anyway, congratulations, you've already seen Bloomington.
The movie opens on Jackie, a freshman, who apparently majors in "Being Confused and Staring Longingly at Professors." Within a few minutes she meets Catherine whom she helps with carrying a couple of books into her office and the two exchange a somewhat meaningless conversation. Then we are suddenly in their classroom where Jack is classmate is clearly very uncomfortable even speaking to Professor Stark for some unknown reason (this whole bit is rather awkward) and we hear one of the girls ask about going to a mixer . Suddenly they are at the mixer and the same two classmates are there with Jackie talking shit about Professor stark being a lesbian vampire (which by the way where these comments come from ?)
While at the mixer Stark ends up catching Jackie off in a somewhat secluded area still in broad daylight mind you) for some reason she ends up kissing Jackie. Then Stark immediately asks her if she wants to go home with her to which Jackie replies no! But then like 2 seconds later, they do go to the professors house anyway. That whole exchange was really awkward and would never happen and real life (however, if it were me and Allison Mcatee, well let's just say I would jump all over that thank you very much)
AND, YES , this happens a whole 12 minutes into the film and makes ZERO sense. They're already making out like it's the final scene of a Nicholas Sparks movie. Subtle build-up? Never heard of her.
It's a little cringy. But also you can't look away cuz Allison is hot.
Their relationship accelerates faster than a Fast & Furious chase scene but with none of the horsepower. One second Jackie is signing up for classes, and the next she's moving in, emotionally imploding, and possibly skipping finals. The film treats time like a suggestion. We're never sure if days, weeks, or several poorly edited montages have passed.
Catherine, for her part, is supposed to be this intellectual, mysterious, sexy professor. But her teaching style seems to consist mainly of staring wistfully through windows and saying pseudo-deep things like she's auditioning for a perfume commercial. ("Do you believe in freedom... or fate?" Girl, just hand out the syllabus.)
By the halfway point, it's hard to tell what either of them wants .... love? Validation? Better lighting? By the end, we're left wondering if this was a romance, a therapy session, or a deleted scene from a Lifetime movie marathon.
The dialogue sounds like it was written by someone who once read the back of a philosophy textbook and decided to wing it. Emotional moments are undercut by editing so abrupt you half expect a commercial break.
Still, Bloomington deserves credit for one thing: it's unintentionally hilarious. If you're in the mood for a romantic drama that skips the development, ignores the logic, and dives headfirst into "Sure, why not," this is the cinematic equivalent of microwaving a three-course meal.
Final rating: 6 out of 10 stars.
One for effort, one for the sheer audacity of having the leads make out before the audience even knows their last names and four for Allison McAtee (just because she's so beautiful, i love the way she's dressed and omg those dimples. I cannot)
