River of Darkness

oh..come on! seriously??? worst film ever... oh my god...i just cannot believe it! everything about the movie was terrible.

At one point, I actually thought that it was a horror/comedy. But turns out that it's not.

you've gotta be kidding me to actually call this a movie and release it. seriously. I would not even want to get paid to watch this movie another time. horrendous.

Didn't the maker of this movie even watch this once, before he actually went on to release it? oh my god...seriously, this has got to be a joke or something.

I had low expectations going into watching this film as I saw it only to see how the professional wrestlers (Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, Sid Vicious) did on the screen. I hoped for at least mildly entertaining in that bad horror movie way since the slasher/horror genre is just about the hardest to make truly bad. I was soon proved wrong as this is one of the worst movies I have EVER seen.

Sure enough, all three wrestlers were bad. Kurt Angle seemed to wear the same facial expression throughout the movie. Either he or the director thought it was some sort of deep thought look but I found it to be more of a "why am I here? what am I doing?" look. Nash and Vicious were even worse as they played zombie killers who basically had to emulate Jason and failed miserably. They looked more like animatronic monsters from a failed Disney ride than professional wrestlers who have plenty of experience with fake violence.

To be honest though, I can't blame the wrestlers for their bad acting as everyone else in the move was equally bad. Given the overall crappiness of the movie, I have to place most of the blame on writer/director Bruce Koehler. The plot is the typical slasher/horror plot of three people wrongfully killed by a lynch mob who come back 30 years later as zombies to get their revenge. Not the most original story but one that has worked for others into at least a semi- entertaining movie. Sadly, Bruce's script has the worst dialogue, horrible pacing, and too many plot problems. Seriously, if that is how he thinks police investigate a serial killer then thank God he isn't involved in law enforcement or no criminal would ever get caught. Dear Bruce, please watch a few episodes of CSI and Law & Order next time you want to write about cops.

Bruce can add horrible directing to his horrible writing credit as it appears he was happy with the first take on every scene. The movie also featured some of the worst production values I've ever scene in all their high def glory. The whole movie looked like it was shot under far too bright fluorescent lights. The slasher kill scenes were unimaginative and featured some of the worst, most obviously fake blood ever scene in a slasher flick. I suspect that much of the 3 million plus reported budget went to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain of the cast and crew because it sure didn't go into the special effects or stunts.

Bottom line: if you are a wrestling fan wanting to see your heroes in a movie, skip this one and go re-watch a Steve Austin, John Cena, or Rock film; they aren't great but at least they aren't awful either. If you aren't a wrestling fan you should just run away at the mere mention of the movie.

One of the worst scripts ever. This film was written, directed and produced by Bruce Koehler. I firmly believe he did it all himself because no one else was stupid enough to think that the abysmal script would work as anything other than toilet paper.

The acting was so wooden that the rest of the cast made Angle and co look like the spirits of Olivier. Don't get me wrong, they were by no means good. But the film started poor and just got steadily worse. The cinematography would have been substandard for views of Home and Away. Even low budget B-Movies should have standards. One last thing. Don't get me started on the 'special effects'. I have seen more convincing at Halloween parties.

In all this was amateur hour at its very worst.

...the reason being that it was made at all. If your a wrestling fan looking for the novelty of seeing Kurt Angle, Sid Vicious and Kevin Nash outside of the ring then please realise....its not worth it. Nash and Sid are unrecognisable and rarely out of the darkness and Kurts acting is so appalling you will turn away and cringe so you wont see him much either.

In fact if you doubt that fact check out the other movies starring Kurt. He's an unbelievable athelete and in my opinion the greatest all rounder in the history of wrestling but outside the the ring he falls apart and cannot be taken seriously.

The acting is beyond awful, the special effects are preschool and the storyline is recycled. There is nothing good to say about this film and I hope all involved are ashamed of themselves.

WOW!!!! This is one word I can use as being tremendously awful. Where does someone begin with a film like this. Storyline was absolutely uneventful, characters were nothing short of uncompelling, cinematography was lacking throughout and the editing was sub-par at best.

Why do wrestlers insist on going into acting, Kurt Angles performance was sour and collectively did not fit the character.

The combination of slasher/paranormal/undead pairing was an utter "bomb".

Terrible, clueless, dreadful are words to describe the acting throughout the film. In fact this is pure garbage and in this film collector's eyes should have never been made. The audience as well as actors and people who worked on this film should all be given refunds for how terrible it is. It is 1hr 30 minutes of your life you'd like a refund on.