Neil Patrick Harris: Barney Stinson

The Sexless Innkeeper

Barney Stinson

Ted Mosby: Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?
Barney Stinson: No, not really.
Ted Mosby: [starts reciting regardless] T'was the night before, I had hours to kill. I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.
Barney Stinson: [interrupts] With quill?
Ted Mosby: [explaining with sarcasm] Barney. It's a poem.
Ted Mosby: [contines] A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin.Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "you're a teacher?" I said, "yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned. "I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper To my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.

Ted Mosby: What the hell is "The Sexless Innkeeper"?
Barney Stinson: Ted, many a man- nay, many a soul has their own tale of the sexless innkeeper. Why, I had run-in with one just last year. I even composed a poem about it. Would you care to hear it?
Ted Mosby: Not really.
Barney Stinson: [continues with no pause] T'was the night before new year's, And the weather grew mean. It was 3:00 in the morning, And I was stranded in Queens. The tavern grew empty, The gas lights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in...
Ted Mosby: [interrupts] Wait. If this was last year, why are you acting like it was Oliver Twist?
Barney Stinson: [disgusted] Ted, it's a poem.
Barney Stinson: Last call was approaching, And my fortunes looked bleak. Then I turned to my left And stifled a shriek. She had a peach fuzz beard And weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings And swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream And threw up in my mouth. I asked, "where do you live?" And she said, "one block south." I swallowed my pride And six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the gods That she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack. 'neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, She found a sound sleeper. And thus she became The sexless innkeeper.
Barney Stinson: And so are you!

Barney Stinson: We're sorry we haven't been returning your calls, and we respect you too much to give you the old song-and-dance, so here's the truth. The US Navy has found intelligent life at the bottom of the ocean, and for reasons too complicated to explain, Robin and I have been chosen to lead the expedition.
Lily Aldrin: That's just like the kind of line you give your dates when you want to dump them.
Marshall Eriksen: But if it's true, that would be awesome.

Lily Aldrin: [Standing outside their apartment] How do we know you two won't hurt us again?
Robin Scherbatsky: You don't.
Marshall Eriksen: You know what? We have two very nice people up in that apartment Who are perfect for us.
Barney Stinson: Then what are you doing, standing out in the rain with us?
Lily Aldrin: Damn it. Why is there something so attractive about a bad boy... And girl?
Marshall Eriksen: I think we can change them.
Lily Aldrin: Come here, you two.
[Group hug]
Barney Stinson: We'll never sleep on the Gouda again!