Brad Jones: Cinema Snob

Leprechaun

Cinema Snob

[Opening lines]
[NC is wearing an outfit similar to the Cinema Snob and talking in a low deep voice]
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Cinema Snob. If you're like me, what's the first thing you think of when you think of Halloween? That's right! Leprechauns.
[Images of various leprechauns are shown]
Nostalgia Critic: Most of you would connect this famous icon to St. Patrick's Day. Well, that's because most of you are sheep. *Halloween* is the holiday to be associated with this mythical creature. Don't believe me? Then just check out "Leprechaun".
[the movie's title screen is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie]
Nostalgia Critic: Finally, somebody sees these creepy bastards for the little demon-fucks that they are. This movie realizes four-foot men in green hats, pointy shoes and high-pitched voices are the epitome of fear. And we're gonna review this little masterpiece right here today...
[Cinema Snob walks in to sit down next to NC]
Cinema Snob: Uh, excuse me, what do you think you're doing?
Nostalgia Critic: [Long pause] I'm the Cinema Snob.
Cinema Snob: I'M the Cinema Snob.
Nostalgia Critic: No, I'm the Cinema Snob.
Cinema Snob: No, I'M the Cinema Snob.
[They both hiss through their deep breath and sigh with a low groan of disgust]
Cinema Snob: Well, okay. What do you say we review this anus turkey together?
Nostalgia Critic: I would like that.
[They both laugh simultaneously, hiss through their deep breath and then look at the camera, groaning in disgust]

Cinema Snob: So it starts off with Warwick Davis as the Leprechaun, looking about as scary as a midget Lady Gaga.

Nostalgia Critic: Seriously, this movie is so unbelievably not scary, that it just deepens my voice.
Nostalgia Critic: [Speaks lower upon each word] Deeper... and deeper... deeper... and deeperrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
[Coughs and gets frustrated, resumes to talking normally and puts on his trademark hat]
Nostalgia Critic: Goddamnit! I'm sick of this shit! How the hell do you do that voice?
Cinema Snob: Years of drinking Crystal Pepsi, my friend.

Dan O'Grady (Shay Duffin): [to his wife] Pot of gold! A wee person, a leprechaun! I caught him and made him show me where his gold is!
Cinema Snob: You know, I'm surprised they're still showing the credits. After that line, I assume everybody will just want their names taken off.

[the leprechaun attacks the old lady who actually stumbles and falls down the cellar stairs rather than being pushed]
Cinema Snob: Oh, come on, he didn't kill her! She's just a fucking clod!

Nostalgia Critic: Cut to a mere 10 years later as we see one of the main characters played by...
[It is revealed to be a pre-stardom Jennifer Aniston, to NC's surprise]
Nostalgia Critic: Jennifer Aniston? She's in this movie?
Cinema Snob: Yep! Jennifer Aniston's old career is like David Schwimmer's current career.
Nostalgia Critic: Alright, just keep the "Friends" jokes to a minimum.
Cinema Snob: I make no promises.

J.D. Reding (John Sanderford): Honey... you really think... money's all you need to get by in this life?
Nostalgia Critic, Cinema Snob: Well, she *is* Jennifer Aniston.

Cinema Snob: She runs into one of the housepainters, played by Jim Carrey Bacon here, as he's part of a paint company called "Three Guys That Paint".
Nostalgia Critic: You'll never guess what they do.
Cinema Snob: Paint?
Nostalgia Critic: No! Make obnoxious comedy relief.

Nostalgia Critic: That little twerp - who I swear is the long-haired version of Ness - is named Alex, who you might remember from "Mr. Nanny".
Cinema Snob: And "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead".
Nostalgia Critic: Never saw it.
Cinema Snob: Good.

Ozzie (Mark Holton): It's a magic rainbow.
Cinema Snob: Yeah, can it make this movie good?
Nostalgia Critic: No no no no, they said it's a *magic* rainbow, not a *miracle* rainbow.

Cinema Snob: They follow the rainbow to where O'Grady hid the gold when Blimp-Ox here actually swallows one of the coins. My guess is that he thought there was chocolate inside.
Alex (Robert Hy Gorman): Do you know what this means? We can get you an operation.
Ozzie (Mark Holton): For what?
Alex (Robert Hy Gorman): To make you smart. See, we can go to the hospital and have them operate to fix your brain.
Nostalgia Critic: What is this, Clovers for Algernon? No operation can make you smart! Hell, if it could, the producers of this movie would have gotten it ages ago!

[the "3 Guys That Paint" sign on the pickup truck is shown]
Nostalgia Critic: Hey, is it me, or do you totally want to see a sitcom called 3 Guys That Paint?
Cinema Snob: Yeah, I could actually see that happening.
[a fake CBS promo begins to play]
Cinema Snob: [In an announcer's voice] This fall on CBS. One's a good-looking painter, one's a bumbling doofus and the other is the boy with a heart of gold. Top it all off with a psychotic killing leprechaun and you have the hit family sitcom of the year: 3 Guys That Paint. Coming this fall on CBS.
[the caption "What's Not To Love?" is shown, then "Only CBS"]
Cinema Snob: Welcome home.
[the text for "Welcome Home" appears]

[the leprechaun chases the humans on a tricycle]
Nostalgia Critic: That's right, folks. This is what's gonna try and scare you throughout the majority of the film: a little guy on a tricycle.
Cinema Snob: Hey, it's at least more dignified than playing an Ewok.

[the leprechaun's face is finally shown up close and in proper light]
Nostalgia Critic: Really? That's the scary makeup he's been given? That's not the least bit frightening!
Cinema Snob: I know! He was more intimidating than that kid's film A Very Unlucky Leprechaun! In fact, he's actually scarier-looking in that film!
[Images from both movies are shown for comparison]
Nostalgia Critic: You're right! He actually looks more scary in the children's film than he does in the horror film! In fact, did we get the right version?
[Both shrug in confusion]

Nostalgia Critic: He kills off the store owner by - get a load of this - a fucking pogo stick! Really? That's the leprechaun's weapon of choice?
Cinema Snob: Don't laugh! My father went the same way!

Cinema Snob: The leprechaun decides it's time for an upgrade. He goes from a small childish tricycle to a small childish Barbie car. Nothing but the finest for this dignified character!

Deputy Tripet (David Permenter): So now you're a leprechaun, huh?
Cinema Snob: Next you're gonna tell me you're gonna end up in space or in the hood!