Neil Patrick Harris: Barney Stinson

Desperation Day

Barney Stinson

Barney Stinson: Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a 10 has the self esteem of a 4, and the depraved enthusiasm of a 2. Now, there's only one thing you can't do.
Robin Scherbatsky: Please say "widows."
Barney Stinson: Wherever you are, or whoever you're under, you must get home alone by 11:59 p.m. Otherwise, you're on a date on Valentine's Day.
Robin Scherbatsky: Barney, Desperation Day assumes that all single women freak out about Valentine's Day.Which we do not. Case in point: I will be spending February 13 with some lovely single ladies from work...
Barney Stinson: [Interrupts] Trolls.
Robin Scherbatsky: ...who could care less about Valentine's Day.
Barney Stinson: Lying trolls.
Robin Scherbatsky: And we will be celebrating the fact that we don't have to spend it with some dippy guy carting around roses and stuffed toys all night. Oh, no offense, Ted.
Ted Mosby: And none was taken until just then.

Barney Stinson: Loneliness... the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching... the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.
Robin Scherbatsky: That's not a thing
Barney Stinson: It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years.
[Visualizes Roman-era wedding]
Barney Stinson: Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.
Ted Mosby: That's actually true.
Barney Stinson: Wait. There's more.
Ted Mosby: This won't be.
Barney Stinson: And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.
[Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks exactly like Robin]
Barney Stinson: [as St. Desperatius] Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.
Ted Mosby: [as St. Valentine] Player! Play on! High V.
[high-fives]
Robin Scherbatsky: [as Roman woman] Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.
Barney Stinson: [as St. Desperatius, to Robin] And I thought Pompeii was smoking.

Barney Stinson: [about Robin and her anti-Valentine's Day friends] Please, you might as well be dog-earing a tear stained bridal magazine while wolfing down the box of chocolates you had delivered to yourself at work from your fiancé that no one has ever met.
Bev: Gerard is real!

Lily Aldrin: You brought an overnight bag?
Ted Mosby: You guys said I was definitely going to spend the night!
Barney Stinson: We said you were going to have sex; we didn't say 'bring a carry on'.