Bonejangles

Just to say, was not expecting an awful lot from 'Bonejangles'. Saw it with an open mind, as always with any film etc, and with a real attempt to take it for what it aimed to be, again as always, had to throw that out there because people on the internet so do love to accuse people of not doing those when watching a film it seems. There is never any bias intended when watching any film etc from any decade and any genre. Despite the poor reviews and that it did not look very good, the premise was oddly intriguing.

Even when watching it with an open mind and taking it for what it aimed to be, 'Bonejangles' still managed to be an awful film to me. Want to make something clear as well, did not watch 'Bonejangles' expecting multi-million budget action and such (resent that suggestion and find that insulting), have seen films etc that don't have a high budget but still manage to be watchable or more because other important elements are done decently. People were not expecting that, what they were expecting was something that actually looked and seemed like some kind of effort was put into it. In my mind, 'Bonejangles' doesn't even try.

It is a cheap looking film and looks like it was made and shot on a minus budget, the editing being especially haphazard and the villain looks more goofy in look rather than menacing. That though is actually the least of 'Bojangles' problems.

More problematic is the way it's written. The script throughout is sheer laziness and cheese, where nothing flows naturally and there is the constant cringe factor. 'Bonejangles' fails completely as both comedy, where the jokes bore and offend rather than amuse, and horror. The horror being ruined by absolutely nothing being scary (unintentionally funny more like and sometimes it even struggles to be that), a lot of obviousness, no suspense and lots of gratuitous parts and elements that seemed to be there for the sake of it and abused.

The rare times where there were signs of a story, much thinner than one thinks reading the premise and padded out, 'Bonejangles' is really intelligence-insultingly dumb and borderline incoherent with confused transitions, too much jumping about and a lot made unclear. The direction shows very little, if any, competence. Really hated the characters, not because they were sketchily developed or cliched (they were but what comes next bothered me more) but because they were really annoying and offensive. Like other viewers, have not been this offended by this many stereotypes in a long time, and all the actors overact painfully with really forced character interaction.

Summarising, awful. 1/10

There are several different types of bad movies. Some are big- budget disasters, such as "Gigli"…and because of this, they are infamous. There are disasters that cost very little and were made by filmmakers who thought they were creating decent films…and "The Room" and "Plan 9 From Outer Space" are perfect examples. But with Bojangles, you've got something different…a bad movie that pretty much sets out to be a bad movie. And, because of this, you might just find it watchable. Most folks won't…but if you are the type person who likes "The Toxic Avenger" or "Killer Klowns from Space", then this movie might just be for you.

When I began watching the film, the only thing that really interested me was seeing Reggie Bannister in a small role. Bannister starred in all five of the Phantasm movies….lower budgeted slasher films which, occasionally, managed to be entertaining. Here he plays a serial killer who is the father of a super-serial killer, Bonejangles, and you see him dispensing sage advice to his aspiring son…most of which is completely insane. And, Bojangles himself is insane…a supernatural serial killer who cannot be stopped by bullets or most other means… and electricity only stuns him. His only weakness, according to his daddy, is his 'wee winkie'….and this pretty much sums up the sort of film it would be…with lots of sex jokes, some gratuitous nudity and a lot of dopey jokes. I could talk about the plot…but is that really even necessary (the answer, by the way, is no!!)?

In most ways, the film looks like a group of mostly 20-somethings got together and decided to make a movie…even though few of them had any experience with cinema. The acting, not surprisingly, is pretty rough and the jokes are the sort that friends who wrote the stuff would laugh at but others would just wonder why….why did they make the picture in the first place? Overall, it's not completely awful… the film has a few good moments. But these moments are few and the picture is one that I would recommend skipping unless you enjoy self-consciously bad movies.

So these unconvincing virgin cops find themselves being called upon to capture Jason Voorhees, I mean Bonejangles, who is an unkillable slasher who is all the things that Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers are, just this guy is a big fan of Skeletor and Bloody Mary. He has a past where his mother wants him to seek revenge for her death where a camp counsellor chopped her head off.... oh, wait, no, it was his daddy had sex once, and little Bonejangles was the result, telling him that sex, women and his winky are evil, so you gotta just hate and kill them to be your own evil or something.

So now discount Dax Shepard and Jesus himself play a couple of virgin cops told they're probably not coming back from this 'go apprehend Chromeless Skull' with the help of their Sargent and Lara Croft.

After stumbling their way through and being rescued last minute by the Twobigboobs Raider, BonerJangles goes down and is hauled off to the towns jail.

The exact same dweebs and female Indiana Jones and the Mammath Mountains of Mammaries are joined by a way too over the top played gay man who I just could not suspend reality here and believe the police force would allow this individual to wear hoop earrings. I'm sorry, the whole movie and its bad acting, terrible jokes, and stupid plot just became way too much right there.... oh, and they're told the prisoner is too dangerous. He needs to be sent to Gotham Asylum, but Batman is too busy to escort the bad dude himself,so they agree to meet halfway to exchange the prisoner, which is fine, I get it, especially with the high price of gas these days.... the only thing is, reject value Dax Shepard doesn't want to do it because the exchange point is his old stomping grounds where he grew up and left because of a girl, an embarrassing high school moment, oh and a night where this witches curse brings out zombies for the night on one day of the year, and that night just happens to be that day Friday the.. that night.

Of course, you can predict what's going to happen with Bonnyjingleballs vs. The Witches Zombies, but you probably won't predict where the Double Virgin's little tale takes them. Not to say it's worth the curiosity, tho. It isn't. This film tries to make fun of slasher genres, but it just doesn't find any balance between it being lame while trying to be funny and not even having any cool or funny kill scenes.

I don't know who wrote this and thought it would be humorous... its almost like somebody wrote a script based on "What if Jason Voorhees was sent to fight some other monster on its home turf," and they wrote it very seriously. Then the script was handed to a child and told to insert jokes into the script.... or did they just hire a bunch of people who call themselves improv comedians, but the only thing that's ever funny about them is they are oblivious to the fact no one finds them funny, so people just watch them to see just how pathetic they can be... only this time they filmed themselves doing it.

I only laughed twice through this thing. One is something a guy did with a guitar that led to a kill. The other at just how bad the FX looked when a house blew up- that and it makes a loud explosion and then cuts to a scene saying "Oh, look at that" like no one could have possibly missed that big loud boom, yet somehow they did. To which I say. Look away yourself, ignore the loud boom that is Voorheejangles. It's not the worst thing out there, but it doesn't mean it's worth seeing either.

Pretty much crap. Couldn't help but raise the occasional smile, whether this was because of the appalling acting or the campness of the characters I'm not sure.

The two stars are for the extremely fit Hannah Richter. Well worth the misery of having to sit through this drivel.

Assigned to protect a mythical killer, a police officer and his transportation team get stuck en route within the town limits of a small town cursed by a witch that causes the dead to rise and attack them, forcing the team to release the psychotic killer in their possession to help stop the zombies and get out alive.

This here was a pretty enjoyable slasher effort. One of the better aspects here is the genuinely creepy set up for the killer that has a wholly enjoyable air about it. The backstory about the voodoo powers and his family's connection to the mystical powers is a fine touch and has plenty to like about it with the explanations involving why he can't be killed or destroyed which is explained away nicely in the opening that has the information needed to get an idea of who he is. As well, that leads into the other big backstory including the cursed town which goes back to the witch's curse and how that brings the zombies back to life for them to stalk the town on that specific night to carry out the curse. There's also plenty to like here with the films' strong slasher scenes and confrontations. The stalking in the abandoned factory where it takes out the other officers before a stroke of luck captures the creature is a great opening with some atmospheric touches, much like the stalking in the woods where he runs through the campers in the woods which has some great kills featured here. With the mixture of his attack on the town attacking the guests at the reception as well as the zombies outside featuring tons of action and over-the-top atmospheric touches alongside the fun kills on display, the action picks up nicely in this section and provides a great setup to the finale where it brings some fine laughs into things as well. These here are what hold this one up while there are some problems with this one. One of the biggest issues is the seemingly rushed and awkward manner in which this goes about telling all the plot-points and storyline beats because it's shortened running time is wasted on nonsensical matters. There's no point for the extended, drawn-out flashbacks to their backstory in high-school or the bland, tepid romance reconnecting them again to take place in a story like this which forces this one to go through the explanations of the town curse or what happened to the killer in a brief, hurried manner that happens in here. Keeping this one as brief as it is when it has to waste time on unimportant matters while rushing through the important ones is a rather odd yet big mistake to make here. The other issue with this one is the rather confusing and somewhat unnecessary elements that don't have any point here. The storyline involving the flamboyant officer is irritating to watch with plenty of extravagant behavior and motivations that wouldn't be accepted by a real police force. That also applies to the behavior and antics between the two main cops who tend to be given comedic personalities in their cowardice and ill-trained nature for the situation making them highly unlikely to be on the force much less the ones that survived. The last problem is an underwhelming and barely worthwhile finale that offers up no real action, is over so quickly it's hard to know what happened and makes no sense without any explanation as to what happened, tying into the other issue here. These are what knock this down.

Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Violence, Graphic Language, Nudity and a brief clothed sex scene.