Infernal

What is wrong with you people making this kind of crap?! This movie is neither scary nor interesting, it is just a boring waste of time! This is just 99 minutes into the boring life of sick people who don't even know why they actually auditioned to be in that movie in the first place. Please, stop the found footage stuff, we already got it : it is lame, the camera is shaky, we're getting seasick from watching a movie, and that is not supposed to be happening! The horror genre is going down and is probably going to disappear into the freak genre of stupidity. I would have liked to review something if there were any material to actually review, but there is none! It is ludicrous how that kind of dough could found enough support to make into an actual movie.

This movie is so ridiculously horrible that it's depressing that anyone ever thought this was going to turn out even mediocre. The acting is abysmal the plot is non existent and it doesn't even begin to make sense. The film starts out with some of the most awful acting ever, so bad that I suspected that it was dubbed over. A couple goes through some turmoil as the woman reveals her pregnancy and the man is all "Oh no, commitment oh god whatever shall I do". The woman asks for a marriage to accompany the child and the guy goes and makes a tape ring and yay they get married. Right after they get married, Lucifer himself shows up and a cross gets turned upside down and this sound effect (which will be repeated across the entire film) starts that sounds like it was taken off of the internet because the director realized his film was scheduled for release in an hour so he was like "SCREW IT GRAB ANYTHING". It might just be the worst scene ever. But at least that scene made me die laughing. The rest of the movie is oppressively bad and more then anything boring. It's a generic found footage film except it spices the formula up by making it awful. They managed to take a dump on any merit the original concept of found footage ever had. There is no explanation for an eight year time skip in which apparently nothing of remote interest happened. They didn't even bother to make the actors look even remotely aged. EIGHT YEARS AND THIS MAN STILL WEARS A LAZY FIVE'O CLOCK SHADOW. The first sign that anything is wrong is that the girl likes to brush her hair. She also is apparently anti-social though this is expressed by her standing off somewhere. Then the girl disappears some comb horror occurs and the movie cuts to therapy. The therapist apparently recommends constantly monitoring her, hence the found footage, despite knowing she has autism. A disease that inherently causes problems communicating with others. Obviously the best solution is filming everything so we can see Gollum come in to the tune of the worst sound effect ever and pat peoples heads. LIKE WHAT IS EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE GOING ON!? She likes to comb her hair, why is that weird? What? The parents act like they've been through and back but this kid does literally nothing. She seems fairly manageable and since nobody ever acknowledges the footage that shows the physical entity of Satan entering their daughters room and carving symbols into the back of her head, what exactly is stressing these people out? COMBS?!

I'm going to file this under "could have been good". The story had potential. The direction didn't seem terrible. The acting however was just atrocious, with the exception of the little girl. The biggest down fall of this B rated, well maybe C rated, movie is the dialogue. It's just incredibly bad. The characters cuss constantly which isn't a problem for me really, but then they mix in large words that sound completely out of character. An example would be something like "F**k, I have to walk swiftly into the washroom of our domicile and use the proper facilities to take a s**t." It's like that through the whole movie, very strange. It's one of those movies that you just have to finish to see how bad the train wreck is going to be. I really think the story was a decent one though, just poorly pulled off. I like horror movies that use very little special effects, because for me it adds to the thought "this could happen". Anyway, I wouldn't say it was a complete waste of time, but it was close.

There is a weird trend where horror movies are made so, a) all of the characters are AS ANNOYING AS POSSIBLE, b) the plot is "written" so that nothing flows together or is explained in the narrative, and c) there is no horror to speak of.

This is perfect, if that's what you've been looking for.

The characters are just. I was rooting for them to die. They are just borrowed stereotypes. Oh, dude-bro afraid of commitment and his dude-bro best man aiming the camera at his dick and bridesmaids crotches. The wife trapping said dude-bro into marriage with her terrible ovaries. The vaguely ethnic relatives with spiritual advice? Screeching, nagging, "all I am is a mother and wife" women. At one point the father says that Imogene is impossible to know, and that is because this child has no character. Just like everyone else in this movie.

The movie is filled with completely unnecessary scenes. The wedding and birth, for example, add nothing to the plot. We get that they are getting married and having a baby before the title is shown and then they spend another 10 minutes on it. Unless everyone is going to die in a bloodbath of doom, I don't want to see your wedding in a horror movie get out. There are four scenes dedicated to Imogene brushing her hair. FOUR. This is not important. We get when you SAY IT SIX MORE TIMES that she has issues. Jesus Christ.

The only other thing that this movie contains is the shrill arguments of everyone in this movie and some horror clips stolen from old Are You Afraid of the Dark episodes.

Satan is honestly disappointed that he was brought into this horrific attempt at a movie. What even. Fog machines and floating toys? At least the cirque du soleil crowd got some extra work, though seriously. Could have done better, guys.

I honestly didn't like this movie from the very start. The acting seemed forced, and I almost turned if off just 10 minutes in. BUT, I have a rule...once I start a movie, no matter how bad that it is, I have to finish it. First off, the continuity of the film had some issues. For instance, when the girl was in the car combing her hair, her hair with very blond. Then when she got out of the car it was more red and dirty brownish. Some of the scenes were WAY to long and drug out. The actors kept repeating dialogue, but in a slightly different way. The "demon" that they had for the film looked more like a party gag than anything remotely scary. The demonic talking when the father went into the closet, was absolutely amateurish and ridiculous. The "possession" of the father was way off base, but at least they got most of the elements of possession in there. BUT, then they let him become more and more compassionate with the mother. I did however like the little girl and the hammer scene, that was probably my favorite part of the movie. I had to keep pausing the movie to see how much more time that I had to deal with this crappy movie.