ReviewWire

This movie holds a particularly rotten place in my heart. Back when I was a teenager, I was easily swayed by the opinions of others; even if I didn't like or did like a particular piece of media, I might have been inclined to agree with whoever I might be watching a film with just because they had the opposite opinion of me and I wanted to have a connection with them. "The LEGO Movie"? It's the only movie I've seen that made me nearly fall out of my seat crying with laughter! My sister eventually convinced me it was bad and immature until I finally realized that she wasn't the one who controlled my tastes. I can like something that's primarily aimed at children as long as it has the heart and humor that should be expected of a well-made film.

Then there's--ugh--THIS movie. When I first saw this with my Dad as a nostalgic treat to his childhood, I didn't quite know what to think of it. Sure, it looked visually impressive, but throughout the film I had the sense that the filmmakers were trying too hard. And not in the "cheesy but well-meaning" way that a lot of failed Oscar-baits end up as. It's more in the kind of way that a particularly bad anime will show as much gore as possible just so the teenagers it's aimed at can flaunt the fact they can handle the sight of blood even when there's barely a coherent plotline.

"This isn't the Disney your parents grew up with! There's (blue) blood! A jerk-of-a-protagonist whose first scene involves him sticking up a trading post because he's just so cool! We've got barely-adult women dying in war in situations they would be totally outmatched in when their species' population is continuing to dwindle because of their collective hatred and stupidity! Aren't we progressive?! The protagonist even commits a blatant war crime you would be seething over if Zodanga had done it! ARE WE COOL NOW????"

A massive issue this movie has is trying to combine "modern" sensibilities with old, cheesy pulp tropes. It wants to be an epic, CGI heavy blockbuster while mimicking the campy, unserious fun of old Dime Novels, but they all clash together in a mix of stilted acting; unsympathetic, boring protagonists without a hint of romantic chemistry; and an unclear direction that make it difficult to sit through. For example, we HEAR in the narration that Zodanga are solely responsible for the destruction of the planet, but why don't we actually SEE that? After a thousand years of war, the lines between good and evil would be far more muddied by crimes committed and propaganda spouted by both sides. We never overtly see that the Zodangans are evil aside from allegedly stealing resources, and Sab Than's growing ruthlessness after he gets his new power--in fact, they look quite happy the war will soon be ending in the city--but we're still supposed to be cheering when John blows a bunch of fresh-out-of-adolescence young men (and women!) to Kingdom Come when they are totally oblivious to what is going on DURING A WHITE FLAG just because we've been told they deserve it. The only reason he really fought for Helium is because he HAPPENED to catch someone on the "right" side from being splattered on the desert floor after he spotted her through a telescope. (You were quite a bit late after this wooden plank's war crime, John. Like lover, like lover! <3) Despite what the filmmakers seem to think, these are not just faceless goons who exist in a purposeless vacuum. These are PEOPLE with hopes and dreams and families who deserve to have a chance at life if the happenstances of war allow. Which is something that perfidy certainly takes away without a hint of consideration or honor.

If Disney had wanted to make a truly compelling narrative based on an old classic with a more nuanced approach, why not have one character be a Zodangan who learns he or she must help his or her people to a more sustainable future after he or she is rescued by a hero who just jumped in because he saw a random person in trouble, or that the conflict is not as one-sided as a few vaguely implied sentences claim? Instead, we get a black-and-white, paint-by-the-numbers action film with protagonists who make absurdly idiotic decisions just to move the narrative foreword and antagonists whose plans will zip around to whatever the writers think will be an exciting twist. Oh, did I mention that Zodangans are actually quite stupid? Yep, they work in a scene of the bad guys bumbling around a little bit to make them even MORE unsympathetic despite us not really having a reason to hate them! Gotta stick in that Disney cheese despite the overinflated budget!

Ultimately, I don't really think about this movie anymore. Eventually I worked up the courage to tell my Dad what I truly think of it, and he seemed to accept it tactfully. At the very least, it did give me a newfound reverence for every life taken in a film I watch. You never know, that pretty young Zodangan pilot who seemed to have gotten her head grazed by shrapnel may have been able to find peace in her life and raise a family after the fighting was finally over. And maybe give John a taste of his own medicine with a cannon blast when he was caught totally unaware.

The studio chief certainly deserved getting fired for this disjointed, confusing, try-hard disasterpiece. And it deserves every single dollar lost and failed career it spawned.